The Problem With Change

I don't like change. I'm confident I'm not alone in saying such a thing. It disrupts something that is often precious, though sometimes change threatens something we don't want but we have been accustomed to. Change is scary because it calls a person to something new and different. There is no guarantee that the change is better. That is one reason why abused women hesitate to leave their spouses. It is why people would rather not seek treatment for serious medical issues then deal with a nagging cough, or persistent pain. Yet when we say we don't like change we often mean there are things we don't want to change and aren't happy if they do change. However, give us a situation we don't like and we'll be wracking our brains trying to figure out how to create change! 

So we end up with 2 sides of a coin, both leading to discouragement. In one situation we don't want anything to change and it does. In the other we have a situation where we do want something to change and it remains the same. It is no secret to my friends that discouragement haunts me. I'm an extrovert that has changed into a introvert due to pressures and pain of life. Good things turn sour and I find it harder to open up and trust. I long for release from the stress and discouragement that plagues me and it rarely comes. I have brief moments when the sun shines in the dark and all seems right with the world. Yet it quickly fades and I find myself hiding so that more bad things don't happen to me. 

I have often thought there is something wrong with me…that I am disappointing God by not handling the trials in my life with a more positive outlook and stronger faith. I would like to trust and believe he truly loves me and knows what is best, but I often struggle due to not understanding why pain and hardship have to remain as close as my shadow! I do eventually come to places when I'm able to look back and see the good things that have resulted from difficulty. Occasionally it helps in a dark place. Sometimes it doesn't. I have come to a place where I can find some comfort that a weak faith is still faith. And sometimes I think that it is more precious to God. In my times of doubt when I run to him and even question him - instead of forgetting him, instead of not interacting with him in my pain - it is then that I acknowledge there are things I need to get through my struggles that has to come from somewhere else. And even in those times it seems like I'm not receiving what I need, there is something that helps. That is what I remind myself in those times I can't see the good.

When we want change we can cling to hope for it when there isn't any to be found. This can prevent us from moving on to a safer place and can cause more pain. When we don't want change but it happens we can miss the blessings (even small ones) that are occurring when we only look at the loss. It's inevitable that change will happen, sometimes when we don't want it. It's also inevitable we will seek change and instead stay stuck in the same situation. I'm currently going through situations that have me on an emotional roller coaster. There is loss, resulting in sadness leading to fear. There are blessings that bring some relief - and yet I'm tempted to fear that the good things won't last. Why do the things I long to change stay difficult with no relief in sight and the things I wish to stay the same crumble like sandcastles pounding by waves? 

My hope is that I'll be able to use my suffering to help others when they go through tough times. I don't know what's coming in the future but I keep trying to look for the good to help get through the rough times. I try to believe God is there doing something good in the midst of it all. Is there anything you've learned that helps you in difficult times? Feel free to share, it may help someone who reads your thoughts.

An Encounter With an Autistic Child

     A couple months ago I walked to a nearby park with my kids. As we approached there was a girl (probably close to my sons age) swinging while her mom watched. My children all ran up to the swings. There weren't enough seats so it was clear that they would have to take turns. My youngest daughter ran off to find something else to play with. My son stuck around the swing set to watch. The girl started talking loudly to my kids and repeating the same thing over and over. Her mom convinced her to swing a couple more minutes and then let one of my kids have a turn. After a few minutes the girl was trying to negotiate for more time on the swings. Eventually she was able to get her girl off the swings and my son started swinging. He had patiently waited and watched the girls contest to see who could go higher. Almost as soon as he got on the girl started telling him his time was over and it was her time again. Her mom intervened and told her that she would need to wait a bit longer for another turn. The girl had fixated on the swings and wasn't happy about this. After a few minutes my son chose to get off and let the girl have her swing back. My youngest had come over and wanted a turn so my oldest sat her on her lap and did some swinging with her.

     During these events the mom apologized to me for her daughter and told me she had autism, which I had already suspected before she mentioned it, since I have friends with autistic children. We talked for awhile about the challenges she had raising her to learn boundaries, consideration and respect for others. The mother isn't able to work because her daughter needs full time care and her husband couldn't handle the situation and left them. Many of us are uncomfortable with people who are different then us, though we don't want to admit it. We label them as difficult because they don't act, speak or respond the way we want them too. In situations like this we see the character of the person interacting with the different person. While conversing with this women about her difficulties I watched my children speak kindly to her and try to include the little girl in other play activities. I was thankful the kids had taken to heart the times I'd instructed them in kindness, compassion and respect. (While we were walking home the kids said to me they knew the girl was different and felt sad about her struggles.)

     The mom thanked me for being understanding and expressed relief that my kids weren't being mean or frustrating to her daughter. Many people have judged and criticized her and her little girl. It is hard enough teaching my three children the lessons I want them to learn; I can't imagine the daily struggle of attempting to teaching a child with impaired cognitive function the same lessons! I have watched friends agonize over situations where they are unsure if they should let the battle go or push a little harder, hoping for even a small amount of growth in an area or situation. It's a delicate balance between responding to your child where he's at and also trying to lead them out of their comfort zone. Over time progress can be made, but sometimes pushing a little bit can lead to meltdowns and the parents second guessing themselves. Life with an autistic child is exhausting both mentally, physically and spiritually! This woman was honest about her struggles. I was sad at the number of times she apologized for her daughter. I'm sad she feels she constantly has to share her daughters autism in order to explain her odd or inappropriate behavior. I sensed her embarrassment, frustration and sadness at how often it interferes with the normal life she wants for her daughter. I was glad that for a short moment of time, both she and her daughter experienced being treated like normal by those around them. The mother said she couldn't remember the last time children and adults just accepted them and treated them the same way they usually do others. I almost cried when she shared that with me. I wish people were more comfortable reaching out to those who struggle with disabilities. Many people think it will be challenging and uncomfortable - and it often is - but It is often a rewarding experience too!

     If you know someone with autism I would encourage you to ask their parents to explain what it's like for them and then ask them how you can help. Most people with autistic kids don't get a break and so they live with a high level of stress, always waiting for the next crisis. Most parents feel alone. Having someone willing to support and encourage them can re-energize them and lessen the stress. If you have any experiences or tips to share, please feel free to post them in the comments.

Books Read in November

Well, I didn't read as much in November. I spent more time organizing items in my house and cross-stitching a design that will go on my wall. I'm nearing the end of that project so spent a lot of time focusing on it! Here are the books I read.

• Loving God When You Don't Love The Church - Chris Jackson
• The Emotionally Destructive Marriage - Leslie Vernick
• Give Them Grace - Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson
• Lit! - Tony Reinke
• Working The Angles: The Shape of Pastoral Integrity - Eugene Peterson

The first book is an excellent book one on learning to heal from church wounds. It starts by accepting and validating that there are many churches out there that harm people. Then it moves to working through the issues and the importance of getting involved in a community again.

The second book is the one I won in the Goodreads drawing. I finished it in 2 days. I wish I'd had this book when my marriage was failing. While it might not have changed the outcome, it would have given me more knowledge to confirm my experiences, more courage to stand up for myself and help me know I'm not alone. I would highly recommend everyone get this book so you know what abusive marriages are like. And if you are in an abusive marriage I would recommend showing it to your church leaders! If I'd had this book I would NOT have accepted advice I knew was wrong just because it came from the church!

The 3rd book is a parenting book on how best to teach your children what true grace is like. Many of us do focus more on good behavior and so we create systems to get the desired results. This book shows that every one of our instructive and corrective conversations is an opportunity to explain to how children how gracious God is to us - an undeserved people. This book has changed the way I have conversations with my children. (And they are already responding better.)

The 4th book is about reading. Why we should read, how to read and what we should read. It has a great section on reading classics and non-Christian books, including movies. He doesn't tell us what is right and wrong, but gives good thoughts on why we should be more inclusive of the material we read. 

The 5th book is about the three areas pastors need to work on to maintain integrity of the gospel and their lives. The first area is prayer. He does a great job of explaining that prayer isn't initiating conversation with God, but continuing the conversation he's started already! The second area is Scripture. Here again he brings up new points that reading of scripture is meant to bring us to listening. Reading isn't the end, but listening and understanding what is being read is important. The third area is spiritual direction and he points out that it actually take two people to accomplish this. The spiritual director needs to know how to appropriately guide the recipient, who of course needs to listen and act. He pointed out that in all these areas pastors often become lax because of their training and the amount of time they have to study. The main goal of his book is to call pastors to rethink their calling and be more focused and intentional in their duties.

Pre- Thanksgiving Post - Dealing with Pain

I'm still working on some posts regarding abuse, but other topics keep pulling at me too. I will alternate going back and forth I guess. Today, I want to take some time to acknowledge my favorite holiday!

Many people who know this might be surprised at this. I have developed into a pessimistic person over the years. Yet I've learned that doesn't exclude the ability to find peace or joy in little things from time to time. I am one of many people who have suffered several prolonged difficulties that wear away my strength, challenge my beliefs and leave me crying in a puddle on the floor at times. Yet part of how I make it from day to day is in little blessings. I am able to smile when I see gorgeous sunsets, have time to relax in my first home, read books, work on hobbies, help someone through a difficult time. I have brief moments of feeling blessed. The moments slip away and the struggles and pain returns. I have at times felt my emotions were a curse that I needed to change. I no longer believe I need to hide my emotions or try to change them. I am instead seeking to acknowledge them and process them better.

Earlier this year I started a 5 year gratitude journal. I bought one for my daughter as well, as she is hitting that hormonal stage, resulting in emotional outbursts and complaining a lot! Some days it is challenging to find something that I feel is a blessing, but if I keep thinking I eventually find something good. The reality is that I'm always worn out from raising kids alone and working hard while barely being able to pay my bills. So most days the pain and exhaustion I feel is a barrier to seeing good things.

That's part of why Thanksgiving is important to me. I love everything about Thanksgiving. I love the food associated with the holiday. My southern roots mean homemade macaroni and cheese, pecan pie and candied sweet potatoes. I always loved this time of year when the trees change beautiful colors. The rainbow of colors remind me that while we are are different we make something beautiful when we work together. The oranges, reds, browns and yellows of fall decor always make me feel warm in a cold and cruel world. I have a cute collection of scarecrows, wreaths and pumpkin theme dishes that make me smile when I walk by. I love the story of the pilgrims perseverance. They came to America to escape persecution and struggled through harsh conditions where many of them died. Yet after the harvest they stopped to celebrate what they had...and they shared it with others.

I am especially blessed this Thanksgiving. I am able to celebrate this holiday with my children. Because the previous two years I couldn't afford food and needed to work as much as possible I wasn't able to spend it with them. Last year I sat in my apartment and ate a frozen dinner and watched TV alone. Now, I have a new home that truly feels like a safe place! If I'd thought in advance I would have invited someone over to share it with us this year. I'll have to plan better next time! Since I won my case for food stamps we will have a great feast this year of all the dishes my children have requested. We will cook together, play games, read books and decorate for Christmas. My struggles will continue and I will have days when I struggle to think of blessings to write in my journal, but Thursday will not be one of them and I'm thankful to have a worry free day with my children!

Memorable Quotes - On Gifts

"Every gift breaks the barrier between the sacred and the mundane and floods the mundane with the sacred." Miroslav Volf in Free of Charge: Giving and Forgiving in a Culture Stripped of Grace.

I love this quote so much I decided to hold off finishing current drafts of blog posts to write this one. It comes from the first Chapter, titled God the Giver. He calls to our attention to the truth that the real image of God is a giving God. He dispels the incorrect ideas we have about what it means for God to give us gifts and what our response to those gifts should be. Genesis 1: says we are created in HIS image. Despite our sinful tendencies we are called to reflect his image. Since his image is one of giving freely and abundantly to us, this means we must pass on the gifts we have received to others. On pg 50 he writes, "We are not simply the final destinations in the flow of God's gifts. Rather, we find ourselves midstream, so to speak. The gifts flow into us, and they flow on from us…they flow to those in need."

We may be imperfect people but we can reflect God when we set aside our selfish desires to help others through difficult times. Maybe it's a simple gesture of donating money to a organization that helps homeless people. Maybe it's visiting sick people in the hospital, serving meals in a soup kitchen or more time intensive actions of mentoring orphans or opening your home to struggling people. All of these examples reflect his image. Yet a godly reflection isn't limited to only these types of actions as the quote reflects. Any action, even those mundane ones like waking in the middle of the night to care for sick children or cleaning the grungiest bathrooms is a gift. When we have a proper understanding of our calling to live for God every selfless action is a gift. "When a gift is given, life becomes extraordinary because God's own gift giving flows through the giver."

Our Christian identity and purpose results in knowing the mundane and sacred blend together into a beautiful story where we are able to lay aside selfishness for the good of others resulting in glory and honor to God! When we go through times of being discouraged in the mundane and difficult seasons of life we must continue to remember the gifts he has given us and his plan for us to pass those gifts on to others. 

Another quote from the chapter gives a powerful picture of this truth, "If we don't turn from facing God, so to speak, to face our neighbors, the flow of God's gifts will be arrested with us...it is as we serve our neighbors - our family, friends, and acquaintances - that the dam holding the flow of gifts is lifted and the life of God continues its intended flow." What a thought to think that our actions can impede the flow of gifts to others. This is the height of selfishness, to keep God's gifts to ourselves and not share them with others! We needn't fear that the gifts of God are in limited supply. Volf's picture helps us here. When a dam breaks water can't be contained and rushes everywhere. God graciously and lovingly gives wonderful gifts. God longs to use us to spread gifts to others and there is an abundance of gifts to go around. With these truths in mind you can keep your eyes open for opportunities to spread his gifts to others. They might pop up when you least expect it and be carried out in ways you never could have imagined!

Please leave your thoughts or experiences in the comments.

All About Books....

I love to read. I always have. When I was a child I almost always had a book with me. There were times I was in my bedroom after school. Instead of doing my homework I was reading a book. I taught myself to read in Kindergarten and was at a 6th grade reading level by the end of first grade. Books were an escape for me when I was unhappy. Books were also a way to learn and I loved to be exposed to new things. My dream one day is to have a house with at least one room filled with books - I'm talking floor to ceiling bookshelves along all four walls! I probably should have been a librarian! Or a book store owner! I have ebooks books on my iPad and laptop, but there is nothing like holding a real book! Especially a new one!!! :)

This past month I read 10 books.

• Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
• Lundy Bancroft - When Dad Hurts Mom
• Paul Hegstrom - Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them
• Patricia Evans - The Verbally Abusive Relationship
• Barbara Roberts - Not Under Bondage: Biblical Divorce For Abuse, Adultery and Desertion
• Dan McCartney - Why Does it Have to Hurt?
• Paul Tripp - A Shelter in the Time of the Storm
• Nancy Leigh DeMoss - Choosing Forgiveness
• Leslie Vernick - The Emotionally Destructive Relationship
• Brian Crosby - Giving Up Gimmicks: Reclaiming Youth Ministry From An Entertainment Culture

The first 5 books are ones dealing with abuse (one of the later ones is at well). I'd read all of them before - but wanted to re-read them to be able to accurately quote from them in some of the previous posts and hope to quote more in future posts. If you keep up with literature on abuse there is a lot of common knowledge up to a certain point. There isn't as much literature on abuse when it comes to spiritual matters, though recently there has been more attention brought to how abuse devastates a person's faith. I'm confident there will be more resources and help available in the future.

The next 2 are on suffering. I marked many pages that bring up things I want to blog about. It's going to be hard to figure out what post to write on next! 

The next 2 books are about relationships, the first centering on forgiving those who've hurt us and the next another book talking about destructive patterns in relationships (some of which are abusive). Very many good things in these books as well.

The last book is on ministry, specifically around ministry to youth. It has some great thoughts on the current culture of youth groups and how it's lacking in fulfilling a biblical model of teaching children. I really liked this book! 

There were other books I started but didn't get finished before the month ends...so those will be added on to my list for next month. I may take a month off of reading in December to write my thoughts on these all these books!

Why Doesn't The Victim Leave?

I apologize for being unable to post for the past couple weeks. I've been going through some problems with my family and other transitions that have taken up a lot of time. I intend to continue blogging about abuse, but also write on other topics, since I had drafts on social issues I put on hold during October that I want to finish! I hope to get back into the habit and blog 2 or 3 times a week….

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Since I've given a good overview of different facets of abuse I will switch and discuss Frequently Asked Questions. If you have a question you want me to answer let me know in the comments and I'll work it into upcoming posts. 

One frequently asked question is "Why don't you / doesn't she just leave him?"

While each situation is unique, most abused partners fall within several categories here. To the person being abused, the abuse feels like many different things. If abuse if publicly witnessed it can bring embarrassment…but much deeper then that it will bring shame and guilt as the victim has been humiliated and feels they should have known it was coming to be able to avoid the public spectacle.

It can feel like a punishment for failing to do something or be someone. The abuser makes it clear the victim can't live up to expectations. These expectations are continually thrown in the victim's face, until they begin to feel normal (even when they aren't.) This is a big factor in why many abused women don't leave. They can't imagine a relationship where they could have freedom, much less it be ok! When your actions are heavily controlled, freedom is scary! Having to think for yourself is difficult…This is even more difficult when the other person has criticized you so much that you don't have confidence in yourself anymore. Abused women second guess every decision they make, because someone else is trying to define reality for them. When they are alone and need to make a decision they will find themselves wondering what the abuser would think….and their decisions are often based on what they think will make him the happiest. It is devastating when even after all the time spent considering an issue the abuser is upset over their decision. Over time she believes that she is the problem in the relationship and she just needs to try harder to make him happier. Once a person reaches this point, they will take responsibility for the abuser's actions. This makes it a lot harder to think about leaving, because it means she would have to admit that it isn't her fault and she can't make it better. Sadly, these issues are reinforced when church leaders tell the women who come to them for protection that they need to go home and try harder and pray harder. Telling them they need to learn to love their husband in the way he needs can cause them to be abused more, as some of the abusive mans "needs" are destructive and unbiblical. 

Eventually some women come back to the point of knowing they should leave….that they need to leave if they want to be safe. Some never do. These reasons may all be a part of it. Children are also a big factor in whether to stay or not. Finances are a huge reason, as most abused women are at a vast economic disadvantage. Some women have become convinced they don't deserve safety or love. Abuse doesn't just affect the emotions and cause physical pain, but it actually changes the beliefs and attitudes of the victim over time. In order to make the decision to leave, the woman must somehow realize and become convinced that she deserves something better. It is hard to get to this point if you've been isolated from others and are in a community that believes the abuser is a great guy. The hardest part of stepping out and telling others what you experience is having them not believe you or doubt that it's as bad as you say. 

The most important thing I can say to those going through abuse is that God didn't design this world for you to be treated like this. The most important thing I can say to those who hear of a friend going through abuse is to compassionately listen to them, believe the seriousness of the situation and help support them practically and emotionally. We need to be involved in other's lives and let their struggles affect us. Most of us would say that we don't know anyone being abused, but if you started asking people you know I'd be shocked if you didn't find someone admit to being a victim. I'm not necessarily suggesting you ask everyone you know if they're being abused. What I am saying is it's more widespread then you realize. If you do find yourself discovering situations of abuse, please do what you can to help. You can be a person who helps to bring healing, or if you turn away you can end up causing more wounds. 

I will continue blogging intermittently about abuse. As always, please comment with thoughts or questions. Thanks!

What Exactly is Abuse? Part 3

This post is a continuation of the previous post, which you can find by clicking here. Again, I reiterate that when you add all the little things in with what most people label abuse you discover the weight of the oppression the victim lives with every day. 

1 - Aspect of Threats - This is another aspect that leads to intimidation and fear. Remember the previous examples of threats listed were to end the relationship, to hurt her or the children, to hurt pets or property, to report her for something. While it may only take the threat to keep a woman in life, usually this threats are more likely to work if previous threats have been carried out or physical violence has already happened. If a woman has been stripped of all her freedoms and feeling of value the threat of him walking out on her will make her want to stay and be the good little wife that he wants her to be. She knows that it will be difficult to make it on her own. Threatening to hurt the children is a powerful tool that can convince the woman to do almost anything to keep her kids from getting hurt. He will threaten to report her for things he has forced her to do (I'm thinking of men who have convinced their wives to do drugs with them or sleep with other people and so on.) These women don't want to do these things, but they don't want to be hurt. If they give in then the man has ammunition to use against them in court. Women don't really want to be hurt, yet they know that it will happen at some point. This tension is hard to stomach and the threats increase the tension and fear. 

In a healthy marriage partners do not threaten to hurt the other spouse or things that are important to them. Threatening if you don't get your way is childish behavior that demonstrates a lack of maturity and compassion for others. I already mentioned the man is called to nurture and protect his wife. Intentionally causing fear in a woman to try and get your own way goes against what God has designed our relationships for. 

2 - Aspect of Property Violence - Here when the man is angry at her he will break things like doors, punch walls, abuse pets, break souvenirs and other important mementos. This facet shows the woman that nothing around him is safe. It will increase her fears that if she's not careful she will be next. Sometimes this aspect continues after separation. He may destroy belongings she left behind or sell them. He may go over to her new residence and leave things for her or damage her property to send her a message that she's not safe at her new place either.

In a healthy marriage, a spouse wouldn't think of destroying property or special items belonging to the other person to get their way. While objects are not more important then people, they still serve many purposes, some sentimental. A caring spouse will want to carefully take care of the belongings of the other spouse to show that what is important for her is important to him as well.

3 - Aspect of Stalking - I previously mentioned using this aspect of spying on her, following her around, leaving gifts or tokens behind making it clear he doesn't trust her and feels she shouldn't have any freedom. This aspect is terrifying for the victim. Looking over your shoulder constantly leads to the fear that you can never be safe. Stalking often crosses over into physical violence, but not always. Some specific examples of this are staking out her work or home and following her when she leaves, bugging her phones, putting tracking devices on her car and putting spy software on the computer. These things often happen during separation. It's a good idea to check your phones, cars and computers to make sure that you aren't being watched all the time.

In a healthy relationship there is a degree of trust  that values both partners separate identities. A stalker can't bear the thought of being apart or the other party having freedom from them. They want control at all times. Good relationships can thrive by having separate interests, time apart and opportunity to be involved in another community of friends.

4 - Aspect of Emotional Abuse / Verbal Abuse- They are similar but not exactly interchangeable. Verbal abuse uses words to attack the woman, demeaning her, strip away her positive view of herself. The tactics are cursing, name-calling, accusing her and using past issues to hurt her and thereby control and manipulate her. We all want to be cared for by others. We want to be appreciated and liked. Verbal abuse tears down the victim and takes away respect due to the other person. The words continue ringing in the persons ears long after the sound has finished. The wounds linger in the mind and wear down the person's ability to see and accept the good parts of themselves.

Emotional abuse is a little bit different. It isn't enough to use words to control her. He will use words to control her emotions as well. It includes putting her down and name-calling but also includes playing mind games and withholding affection from her. I had a friend who would spend forever looking for her missing pair of car keys. He would laugh at her, call her stupid and tell her she didn't deserve to be in charge of anything - all the while knowing that he had actually taken her keys and hidden them. Then after she had looked long enough to his satisfaction he put them back in plain sight and make her question whether she was losing her mind. It is sad to 

This is counter to a healthy relationship where each person wants to build up the other person and honor their strengths. In a healthy relationship you won't be attacked for your weaknesses. A partner may lovingly try to help you gain some tools to help address the weakness, but he won't bully you into changing or belittling you for your struggle. A healthy person wants to encourage their partner, knowing that the way to growth is often through positive words that empower the person to overcome fears and struggles! The person who tears down another person is trying to elevate their importance by judging the other person as inferior to them. Many people have said, and I agree, that the verbal abuse is often more damaging then physical abuse. It degrades a persons worth, identity and purpose and is clearly opposite of the way God calls us to treat each other.

5 - Aspect of Religious Abuse - Here a man tries to maintain control and get what he wants by using scripture and other Christian language or doctrine. He will point out the passages on submission and use words like obey. He will tell her she always must give him sex when he wants it because her body is his. He mentions the Bible states men are the head of the household and use it for ungodly purposes. This aspect is extremely damaging to the women's personality and also her beliefs. It is hard to believe God truly cares about your pain when your spouse is using the Bible to justify abuse. Most abused women who are Christians have a severe crisis of faith.

In a loving and mutually supportive relationship each spouse will actually have times of submitting to the other. Healthy marriages have a team attitude and sometimes it is better when the man defers and sometime the best choice is for the woman to defer in an area. We must help women realize that the Bible is compassionate in it's commands. It doesn't give a man permission to belittle his wife if he isn't happy with her. Scripture is used to help guide us to live lives that honor God. A man who uses scripture for his selfish gains is bringing dishonor to God, himself and his family. Each spouse must put aside their desires and seek God's purpose in their lives and marriage.

6 - Aspect of Physical Abuse - This aspect has the most variance of activities, some which you might not even consider as abuse at first glance. Again, the list from Paul Hegstrom is: beating, biting, choking, grabbing, hitting, kicking, pinching, pulling hair, punching, pushing, scratching, restraining, shaking, shoving, twisting arms, slapping, excessive tickling, using weapons, spanking, smothering, tripping. Important things to realize here is that everyone has their own idea of what is and isn't abusive. Many abusers will rationalize certain behaviors as non-abusive. They may come up with a reason she deserved it or say, grabbing a woman isn't abusive. From this list you may be thinking the same thing of certain activities listed. A common one is restraining a person. "What's the harm in not letting someone go until I want to?" W hen you think about it from the aspect of controlling another person you can see that it's not good to prevent someone from leaving an area or situation because you don't want them too. Excessive tickling is one that may seem silly. After all, a lot of us think it's fun to tickle other people because they laugh and it seems fun. But when a person's tolerance has run out and they want to stop being tickled and you refuse…then you are going against their wishes. All these actions are damaging to the victims safety and demonstrate a lack of concern and respect for their well-being.

In a healthy marriage stop means stop! The partners want to build each other up, NOT get their way. Many men will excuse their behavior by saying it was an accident they hurt their wife. Yet the women and children can see a man go from destructive and rage-filled to calm and smiling if the doorbell or phone rings. It is not ok to hurt another person. Men are called to protect and cherish their wife. It is THEIR responsibility to present their wife blameless to God as a result of their care and affection for her. Abuse is counter to that and destroys lives. Healthy men are able to put their hurts and disappointments aside for the greater good for the relationship. 

7 - Aspect of Sexual Abuse - He attacks her in sexual ways, demands unwanted acts, interrupts sleep for sex, forces sex on her, treats her a sex object, extreme jealousy. Often after an argument he wants to have sex with her. After the woman has been knocked down and beaten verbally or physically it is no wonder she won't want to be intimate. Yet he must maintain his control and if she refuses he feels justified in forcing himself on her. Other aspects fall into play here. He may bring scripture in about her not denying his need for sex. They may argue late into the night and yet he will keep her awake for sex or wake her up to have sex. His actions show that his needs and wants drive his behavior despite the harm it is doing to his wife. This is the ultimate degrading of the wife's identity. She believes marriage is designed to be a partnership where both spouses honor God and learn how (and when) to sacrifice their desires for the good of the relationship. His actions strip away this partnership. She realizes he sees her as property…as an object to bring his fulfillment and nothing more. This can lead her to doubt everything, including God.

This is clearly counter to a healthy relationship. There are times that both spouses must accept their present need for sex isn't what is best for the relationships at that time. A partner should never coerce or force a person for sex. Healthy relationships won't be jealous of good friendships between members of the opposite sex. It is very damaging to a person's value and identity to be raped. This aspect of abuse within a marriage is even more damaging to the person being taken advantage of.

When you put all these things together, it's no wonder that abused women often don't make rational choices and suffer a lot of negative effects from their mistreatment. We must learn how to recognize abuse, how to protect ourselves and others from it and we must do what we can to change the communities around us to be more helpful! In my next post I will begin to explain other aspects like why she doesn't leave, the red flags that can alert you to the possibility a man is abusive.

Helpful Resources on Abuse

Some of the books I recommend regarding abuse:

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

Domestic Violence - What Every Pastor Needs to Know by Al Miles

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft

Angry Men and The Women Who Love Them by Paul Hegstrom


Here are some great blog posts and videos on topics of abuse:

http://www.ccef.org/video/how-can-church-minister-victims-sexual-abuse

http://www.ccef.org/blog/shame-and-sexual-abuse-church

http://www.ccef.org/marriage-counseling-class-part-5

I'm in the process of finishing a blog post on the major aspects of abusive relationships. Then I will dig in to other topics surrounding how the abuse feels, should be addressed and how you can help.

What Exactly is Abuse? Part 2

This post is a continuation of the previous post, which you can find by clicking here. Here are more of the lesser known or less often considered aspects of abuse we can gloss right by, not realizing the serious effect on the victim. Again, I reiterate that when you add all the little things in with what most people label abuse you discover the weight of the oppression the victim lives with every day. 

1 - Aspect of Power - This is the aspect behind all the actions and words of the abuser. The goal is to gain power over the other party, so that she is controlled by him and indebted to him for everything she needs. This aspect denies her basic rights to make her own choices. He will use his rules as laws to enforce the power he has to keep her in line. He will deprive her of a private life and control everything that he feels entitled to. If he senses her gaining some independence he will say or do things to take that independence away so he maintains control over her. 

A common example of this is in denying the person the basic necessity of sleep. An abusive person will often prevent her from sleeping when she's tired because he still wants to spend time with her. Arguments rarely end until he's ready for them to end, usually meaning they can last long into the night regardless of how tired she is. There are different degrees of how this grasp for power manifests. Some men dictate exactly when the duties he've assigned to her must be done. If she steps outside the lines of what he wants then he feel justified in punishing her in some way.

In a healthy marriage it is ok for partners to discuss roles and tasks that each spouse will do. Yet from observing healthy marriages I notice more of a give and take. The spouses are a team and when one person isn't able to do a task the other will often take up the slack without punishing the other for it. A cooperative spirit is demonstrated. This mutuality in the relationship recognizes each person has different strengths and weaknesses and works together to a common goal where both people are stronger together. Differences are acknowledged and even celebrated as opportunities. Neither person seeks to win at all costs. 

2 - Aspect of Using Children - This facet is particular hurtful to the woman who carried these children during pregnancy, sacrificing her own needs for her unborn children. She labored to bring them into the world and continues to love, nurture and sacrifice for them everyday since. This aspect happens during the relationship and sadly, it often happens after the relationship has ended. If an abusive partner is not happy with his partner he will seeks ways  to keep her in line. One way is using the children to shame her back into the place he wants to keep her. Another is public humiliation, which will be discussed next. He will criticize her in front of the children, which in impressionable children often interferes with her relationship with her children. They will see her as the cause of the tension in the home and will pressure her to do everything to keep dad happy. 

When the couple divorces this aspect often continues. The man will use child support as leverage to continue controlling the woman. He often will say negative things to the children that they will pass along to their mom. This results in continued abuse by indirect messages from the children. These young children rarely realize that they are being manipulated and controlled for the purpose of continuing to harm the other parent. The woman feels great pain at hearing her children repeat all the things daddy has said about her. This is one of the great injustices of trying to break free of abuse. When children are involved it is rarely possible to be completely free from abuse.

In a healthy marriage, spouses will not attempt to use the children to win the argument. They won't want to interfere with the children's relationship with the other parent. True families seek to build up each member and encourage them to overcome difficulties. It is a great disservice to the children to observe one parent trying to win and control at all costs. Our children are set up to be in unhealthy relationships when they are subjected repeatedly to this tactic from a young age. Most of them won't even realize the manipulation they are undergoing. Children long to believe their parents are caring, safe and wise individuals. They struggle to accept that a parent is being inappropriate. This can negatively impact their future and hurts future generations! 

3 - Aspect of Humiliation - I previously mentioned using children as one way he can humiliate his wife, especially if the children publicly humiliate their mom as a result of things he's said to them. He can appear to have done nothing wrong if the children say something and not him. There are many other ways this tactic can be used. Inappropriate touching in public sends a message to her and others that she is property and is not respected. It is embarrassing to be mistreated and demeaned in front of others. Also putting her down in front of others or making jokes about her in her presence is humiliating. This man can degrade everything from her appearance, financial, parenting  or housekeeping skills. Anything that he doesn't approve of can be used to hurt her and embarrass her.

Christians know God instructs us to love one another and within marriage man is called to cherish his wife. Clearly, publicly humiliating the woman doesn't show true love and certainly doesn't cherish her presence in his life. A man who is hurting his spouse is actually hurting himself. He may think he is winning, but he is actually losing! If he is going to change he will need to come to the point he realizes this and learn how to treat her differently. 

4 - Aspect of Silence - The main example here is giving the silent treatment when not approving of something the spouse has said or done. She will know that he is punishing her. Sometimes she will know why he's angry and other times she won't know what caused it. This is a very tense and stressful way to live. A woman's attempts to discover what caused the tension in order to resolve the issue will usually result in one of the other aspects flaring up - either emotional, verbal or physical abuse. Some people may think the absence of hurtful words is good. Yet knowing something isn't right but being ignored or neglected is damaging to the person's worth. The message conveyed is that if you upset me you deserve pain in return. 

This is counter to a healthy relationship where each person wants to demonstrate love and care. While there are times when discussing issues need to be postponed, the normal pattern is to kindly bring up issues to work through and have healthy dialog that doesn't attack the other person. Relationships thrive on interaction and withholding that from one of the parties is detrimental to the person and the relationship.

5 - Aspect of Intimidation - Here a man tries to maintain control through actions designed to intimidate her. He will look at her a certain way, make gestures, do certain actions, argue continuously and loudly or curse and rage. These actions scare her because she realizes how pervasive his desires to be more powerful are. Over time she will learn what things cause him to act this way and will often try to placate him beforehand so she isn't exposed to these unpleasant experiences. Her life becomes driven by fear and she is always thinking and analyzing situations to figure out how to avoid getting hurt.  

In a loving and mutually supportive relationship neither spouse will try to scare the other person to influence decisions, activities and other wants. It seems like a given that to truly love a spouse would mean to not want to cause them to be afraid of you. 

6 - Aspect of Isolation - This makes her dependent on him for her view of herself. 

Here the abusive person seeks to control her actions in many different ways. He will control who she talks to, convince her to drop outside interests, prevent her from seeing and talking to friends, listen to her calls, he wants to always know where she is and will sometimes move to separate her from a good support system. I met a woman at the shelter who was forced to sell her car and stay in the house all day while he was at work. They didn't have a house phone and he would take her cell phone with him when he left for work. One man wouldn't let her have the password to the internet so she could only be surfing the web when he was sitting right next to her watching! If they do leave some contact with the outside world with the woman (phone or email) they will often check in multiple times a day to keep tabs on her.

These things often happen so subtly that the victim doesn't realize that her ability to relate on equal footing is being stripped away. What woman would want to question why her husband wants her to not hang out or talk to family and friends? It can make her feel important and special that he wants to spend so much time with her. Things progress pretty far before she wakes up to the realization that the attention she's getting is NOT the kind that she has always wanted.

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In my next post I will break down the more talked about aspects of abusive relationships. Then I will begin to explain other aspects like why she doesn't leave, what red flags you can spot and helpful links and books to read.

What Exactly is Abuse? (formerly Aspects of Abuse Broken Down - Part 1)

If you read my previous post there may have been some facets of abuse that surprised you. Because of that possibility I want to start working through those aspects that many of us haven't realized can lead to occasions of abuse. Some of the categories may seem innocuous, even silly, to those without experience in the oppressiveness of being trapped in an abusive relationship. Yet when you add all the little things in with what most people consider abuse to be you discover the weight of the oppression the victim lives with every day. Here are some of the areas of control that a lot of us take for granted:

1 - Aspect of Male Privilege - When the abuser makes all the decisions it means the victim doesn't really have a voice. She is his servant that must carry out his demands, obey his rules and suffer consequences when she has failed to met his expectations. She begins to she deserves this treatment and loses her identity.

In a healthy marriage it is ok to disagree. Sure we all are tempted to act in ways to influence our preferences when disagreements persist. I've not been in relationships where there disagreements are handled peacefully, so I'm not sure I understand yet the best ways to handle these tricky situations. I can say I think one key is that the person who makes the decision should still show respect to the other party. Attacking a problem as a team means that when one person makes the decision it isn't threatening to the other person's value in the relationship. Abuse undermines the value of the one who is viewed as inferior. Relationships are meant to be mutual - with give and take of both parties. Sometimes one party will give more then the other for a set time. Treating a person like a servant keeps a power differential that destroys the unity in the relationship. Abusive people need to realize their grasping for power and control, which they think will bring them happiness, will actually result in unhappiness!

2 - Aspect of Knowledge Abuse - This is a common tactic used to control the victim so she doesn't seek freedom from the abuse. It often intensifies once she's started trying to gain back a part of her life. The abuser is threatened by the possibility he may lose control of her. Several of the things he may try are reading self-help books to gain information he can use against during their difficulties. This aspect often pops up in counseling, when the abuser often is able to twist things around to act like he's a victim and she's the perpetrator. Counseling itself, both individual and group counseling, can increases the chances of this aspect of abuse. 

If he convinces her, counselors, friends, church leaders of this fact then he's able to keep his victim in that inferior position. She will feel the problem lies with her and she must fix herself for things to get better. This absolves the abuser of responsibility and enables him to continue unchanged in the way he treats her. Researching medical conditions, reading self-help literature can be helpful in understanding the other person in your relationship. Yet a healthy relationship will use this knowledge to respond compassionately to their struggle, encourage them to find new skills to overcome them and support the changes they want to make. This demonstrates an awareness that if you have a problem, to best support you I may need to change the way I relate with you!

3 - Aspect of Responsibility Abuse - This is a different side of male privilege. There he is making you do all the work because he feels your job is to serve him. In therapy we view this one as the abuser setting her up to fail. An abuser feels they are stronger or better (smarter) then the victim, yet they give them the responsibility of paying bills, cooking, parenting…and then when you don't live up to their expect ions you are wrong, stupid and deserving of abuse. Some of the ladies I met actually had their abuser tell them if they ever left him he would kill himself. So he was trying to ensure that she would never leave him, by making her responsible for his future.

This differs from healthy relationships, where each person makes their own decisions based on the criteria that are important to them. They don't make someone else the scapegoat for their actions but take responsibility for what they've done and accept the consequences. Abusers always try to push the consequences off onto anyone but themselves - unless it can be used against the other person. This ties in to the knowledge abuse - when it feels advantageous the abuser can admit to a fault and then points out the victim isn't sharing her faults so she clearly must have something to hide and is more at fault then he is….

4 - Aspect of Medical Abuse - This is common in situations of child abuse and domestic violence. When the abuser causes an injury he will often prevent the victim from getting medical treatment. He knows there is a chance that doctors and other medical professionals would see through the stories invented to cover up the abuse. He doesn't want to take the risk that reports could be made, so he prevents her from the help she needs to heal physically. Even when suffering from a normal medical condition some abusers will keep her from getting help, instead berating her for the factors surrounding the injury. These actions don't just prevent or prolong physical healing. This aspect adds extra trauma to an already overwhelmed victim.  It feels like a death sentence to the abused woman. She feels powerless to protect herself from abuse and she feels incapable of healing from the wounds. This extends to a hopelessness regarding her ability to heal from her internal wounds, the deep emotional scars from being abused.

In a healthy relationship a person should be grieved to see the one they love hurting and needing medical treatment. They should show compassion and concern for their safety and well-being. They shouldn't discourage the loved one from getting the tests and treatment they need to get better!

5 - Aspect of Economic Abuse - This can happen in any relationship that has the imbalance of power, but from my time in group therapy I've seen it's more common in conservative Christian circles, where it's common for men to believe it's the woman's job to stay home with the kids, regardless of job opportunities that are suited to her knowledge and skills. This makes her dependent on him. He views himself as her savior and her as the needy, weak, and incompetent one. Some men even seek to control the victim who already has a job in this way. He will make her give him all the money. He will do what he wants with it and makes her ask to be able to spend any of their money, including what she has earned. This sends many messages to her: that she's inferior and must rely on him for everything she needs.

In a loving and mutually supportive relationship each person gives input on economic situations and tries to work together for a solution. If an agreement isn't reached the couple will not try to manipulate the other one into going with their option. No matter what decisions are made they will treat each other with respect. This is working together as a team. 

6 - Aspect of Financial Abuse - This makes her dependent on him as well. One woman I met in therapy didn't know her husband had taken out everything in her name. She discovered this after he had left her and collections notices started showing up in the mail. Typically, the abuser lets his victim know about the debt piling up in her name to keep her dependent on him. If she doesn't have a job, she will be hesitant to leave, knowing her credit is ruined and collections agencies will come after her and not him. 

You may start to realize these pieces fit together in a tangled web. Trying to get one area free often leads to a tightening of another section. The road to healing from abuse is very long and filled with confusion, loneliness and fear. You may start wondering why with all these aspects added on to the big ones of physical abuse and threats that a woman would stay. I will discuss this in detail later, but here is one factor that complicates things. While some of these facets are consistent in their level of control, often the abuser sends mixed messages. Some days he may surprise her with letting her have more money then usual to spend. In a life dominated by abuse, this small act feels like a neon sign pointing her to a new hope - a possibility that he may have recognized his unfair treatment of her and is willing to change.  Sometimes things will stay good for a time. Or it may be short lived. She may return home with some new clothes, books, music (or have gone out to eat with girlfriends) only to be belittled for her unwise choice. But things are continue this up and down cycle until something makes the move to break it.

In my next post I will break down a few more aspects of abusive relationships.

An Introduction to Abuse

Chances are most of you know someone who's been abused, or have experienced it yourself. Yet some of my readers may not have had any exposure to abuse. There are many different forms, and during this month I will discuss a range of types, from general abuse to more specifics such as domestic violence, sexual abuse, stalking, verbal abuse and spiritual abuse. I think that abuse has at times become one of those words that has been heard and used so much that it's lost the weightiness of how it impacts a person. I hope in these posts you will learn something, be moved to compassion for hurting people and find encouragement for struggles you or a loved one may have faced in the past. If you realize you are currently in an abusive situation, I will also post here some of the lessons I have learned, things I wish I had fought for and other thoughts on the matter. I am in the process of writing a book, because I have learned in the Christian faith that certain forms of abuse are still ignored, minimized or attempted to be suppressed.

Here are some statistics I found in Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does He Do That? 

1. 2-4 million women are assaulted by their partner every year in the US. 
2. Attacks by males are the number 1 cause of injury in women age 15-44. 
3. The trauma from partner violence is a factor in 1/4 of female suicide attempts and is the leading cause of substance abuse in women.
4. 1 out of 3 women will experience violence from her husband or boyfriend. 
5. 5 million children per year witness an attack on their mothers.

These statistics should sadden us and lead us to seek out and help victims. To be able to seek them out you need to understand what separates normal behavior from abusive behavior. We all have conflict. We all have moments when we speak or respond harshly with another person or try to manipulate someone. Yet healthy relationships treat each other as equals and try to find solutions together. If you abuse something then you are using it differently then it's intended purpose. To be abused is to be misused and mistreated. The key factors to uncover are WHAT is going on and WHY is abusive behavior taking place.  

To answer what is going on, I have summarized a diagram by Paul Hegstrom, who outlines the many facets of abusive relationships. Paul was a pastor who severely abused his wife and was facing criminal charges. When he became convinced of the seriousness of his behavior he committed to change and worked hard on his attitudes and behaviors.  He then wrote a book called Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them. 

Aspects of an abusive relationship (pg 24-25): 

• Physical Abuse - beating, biting, choking, grabbing, kicking, punching, restraining, shaking, shoving, using weapons and more
• Male Privilege - makes all decisions, treats person like a servant
• Knowledge Abuse - gets therapy and uses it against her
• Sexual Abuse -attacks her, demand unwanted acts, interrupts sleep for sex, extreme jealousy
• Humiliation - hostile humor, public criticism, degrades appearance / parenting skills / housekeeping...
• Responsibility Abuse - makes victim responsible for everything - bills, parenting, cleaning, etc
• Medical Abuse - keeps her from medical treatment from injuries and / or normal check-ups. 
• Religious Abuse - uses scripture to abuse and other spiritual language
• Using Children - passes messages through children, uses visitation to harass, uses money as leverage
• Power - denies basic rights, uses law to enforce his power, deprives her of private life, controls everything
• Stalking - spies on her, follows her, shows extreme distrust
• Emotional Abuse - puts her down, calls her names, plays mind games, withholds affection
• Threats - to end relationship, to hurt her, to take the children, report her, 
• Economic Abuse - restricts her employment, takes money she earns, makes her ask for money, etc
• Financial Abuse - ruins her credit, puts everything in his name to make her dependent on him
• Intimidation - uses looks, actions and voice to cause fear, argues continuously
• Property Violence - punches walls, abuses pets, breaks doors, etc
• Isolation - controls her actions, who she talks to, listens to calls, restricts outside interests, deprives her of friends
• Silence - uses silence as a weapon, doesn't communicate or express emotion to punish her
• Verbal Abuse - curses, accuses, name-calling, uses past to control and manipulate 

The WHY of abusive behavior becomes clear from these examples. An abusive person systematically seeks to gain power over the other person and controls aspects of their life. Overtime this demeaning behavior strips the person of their worth and dignity. The victim lives in fear and dread of the next attack. Some abusers are consistent in their tactics. Some will shift styles to find new ways to control the victim if they feel they're losing the power they had. David Powlison from CCEF says that abuse is damaging because it involves a betrayal of trust. I can wholeheartedly agree with him. Abuse can happen between anyone. Some examples - between siblings, friends, or dating people - will be devastating - yet there is an ingredient missing that would take it to the next level of destruction. The most damaging types of abusive relationships are ones that involve a person in authority who betrays the trust you've placed in them. 

Examples of these are:

1. Parent / child
2. Teacher / student
3. Counselor / counselee
4. Priest / parishioner or pastor / member or church leaders / member
5. Husband / wife (in conservative circles)
6. Boss / employee

These people have authority because of their position. They are supposed to protect you, care for you, provide for you. There is a hierarchy set into the relationship from the beginning which automatically gives them power over you. Their responsibility is to look out for YOUR welfare. But when they seek to use you to get something they want it can turn into abuse. All relationships are built on give and take. When someone has power over you it is harder to not feel obligated to give when they ask, even if what they ask for is wrong. From my personal experience, the hardest form of abuse to recover from is spiritual abuse. A parent, husband and pastor can do this by using scripture to elicit unquestioning obedience to their demands. These situations are very difficult to get free of. A student, counselee and employee can leave the situation easier then a child, spouse or church member. 

Out of all the types of abuse, I believe the most destructive is between a pastor (or group of church leaders) and a member of the church. My faith is important to me. I believe God created us. I have been taught (and affirm) WCF question 1 -  that my main purpose is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. I want my life to honor him. I want to share my faith with others and help them find purpose in their life and hope for their future. Yet it feels many of my experiences are undermining those beliefs and desires. ANY abuse is devastating to a person's identity. You can't help but question: Why it happened? What does it mean for me and about me? Will I ever be cherished? Am I unlovable? And on and on the questions, doubts and fears attack the victim. The Bible calls leaders to shepherd and protect the flock of members. When those leaders abuse their power and authority it begins stripping down the faith of the community. When a vulnerable person goes to their pastor for counseling and ends up being abused is it any wonder that their faith is severely hindered? The person in the middle of the situation may be incapable of believing that God is grieved over their mistreatment. They have believed that the pastor and leaders were called to serve the members and teach them truths about God. They will begin to feel that maybe the truth is that God doesn't love them or maybe God isn't really a good God. This is clearly something we don't want to happen and we must find better ways to help these victims!

This post is just an introduction to the different aspects of abuse. I hope it has started you thinking about the experiences of others and the drastic implications it has for their lives. I will attempt to write 2-3 posts each week on aspects of abuse. Some of my writings will be based on previous experiences of mine and some will be based from the experiences of women I've met in group therapy. I will share books and other resources that have helped me. I am in the process of writing a survey for abuse survivors on their experiences, where they sought help and what worked and didn't work, including how their churches responded, because I believe there is a problem in our churches that need to be addressed in hopes of a solution. I hope to incorporate the survey results into my book, though it will likely be a long time before I'm finished with that goal! In the meantime, I hope my posts will help bring more awareness to these issues so we all can do a better job of helping those in crisis!

I welcome your thoughts - please leave comments and if there any topics you want me to address then let me know!

Homelessness

Yesterday I met a man who has been on my mind a lot ever since. The day started with me trying to save gas and delay spending money I don't really have so I planned to take the bus to work. But the bus passed by with a Not In Service sign on it. Not knowing when the next one was going to come I wasn't sure if I'd make it to work in time. So I ran the 5+ miles to work. Even though it was a cool morning, this wasn't actually a great idea given the health issues I've been having. The year is almost over and I've only ran a handful of times. My stamina isn't what it used to be. So after a couple miles, about halfway through, I stopped at a red light. I felt more fatigue then usual and was also sweaty and nauseous. Yet I needed to get to work on time so I had to keep running. I made it to work and refilled my water bottle a few times to stay hydrated. When I finished my short shift I went to catch the bus. It passed by as I was walking to the stop. On the weekends most bus routes don't run as frequently. By this time it was already 90 degrees. The bus stop didn't have shade so the bench was too hot to sit on. The full sun was beating down and me. This is something my doctor told me to avoid before my health insurance ended, so I decided to walk and catch the bus stop. I walked a mile to the next big intersection. When I turned the corner I was too tired to keep walking and decided to sit. This one was covered and in the shade. At times there was a slight breeze. I don't mind exercising…I don't mind sitting and waiting for things…but I don't like heat. I detest it really. I like cold climates! I was wishing I had more money to make my life easier, reflecting on injustice and the isolation I feel. It turned out that an hour and a half passed before the bus arrived to take me home. A few times I considered getting up to walk home, but I still felt sick and each time decided to wait. 

I got there and was thinking back over my life. I struggle a lot. Every day I have times I feel alone. I often feel judged by people and continue being mistreated by others at times. Sometimes it's hard to find things to be thankful for. There is a lot of stress trying to provide for my kids when I don't have enough money and my attempts to ask for help are brushed aside. Many people assume that the government helps people like me. Yet 46.5 million people live below the poverty level. The agencies that are supposed to don't help everyone. It is tiring and frustrating to have to fight them and prove that I'm one of those who needs help. When I finally do win it is often not enough. The unending injustice and suffering is so oppressive the weight seems to crush the person.

I'd only been at the bus stop a few minutes when I saw an elderly man with a baseball cap pushing a grocery cart through the intersection. (There was nothing in the grocery cart.) He walked to the bus stop, sat down and asked me the time. I immediately sensed he was homeless. He had long hair and a long beard, clothes caked with many days of stains and torn sandals. His hands and feet were cracked and caked with dirt. On his left arm he had frayed bandages wrapped from his wrist to elbow. He smelled of urine and alcohol. I thought of the biblical custom of hosts washing their visitors feet, specifically the woman washing Jesus's feet with her hair and her tears. Those around them chastised her, but she was still precious to God. Many people judge homeless people. Or don't like the uncomfortable feeling they have when meeting one. During the time I sat there I talked with the homeless man. We didn't talk about anything substantial. In the lapses of silence I thought of the stereotypes of homeless people. Addicts, gamblers, veterans, etc. I had my own idea of homeless people, not considering I was one until the last few weeks the children and I were in the domestic violence shelter. We were asked to fill out a survey on homelessness and our experience. It was then I realized that choosing to flee the home to a safer environment meant that I was homeless. Bouncing around to other people's homes until getting the apartment was a stressful and humbling experience. You are at the mercy of others and their tolerance for your struggles can end at any moment. While I experienced living in a shelter with people facing similar experiences, I learned that we are still all different. Everyone has a story. We are all unique. 

I wondered what this man's story was. I heard a few pieces while we sat there. It is possible he has made unwise decisions, but haven't we all? Every one of us has moments we're not proud of. Moments we wish we could take back. Many of us have opportunities to change the direction of our lives without too much upheaval. Even when we have to experience the turmoil, we still have luxuries the homeless man doesn't have. What stresses, fears and temptations press in on him? It is entirely possible that he hadn't been drinking. I know that certain medical conditions can make a person smell like they've been drinking. He often kept repeating the same questions to me. I didn't feel comfortable asking him what was causing him to forget our conversation. Maybe he has alzheimers or a brain injury or other medical condition causing confusion and memory loss. Maybe it does stem from drinking a lot. Or his confusion could stem from plan old dehydration. I got water for him from taco bell. Yet a few minutes later he seems surprised and confused as to where it came from. My heart went out to him. He appeared alone. just wandering to find shady spots during the day to stay out of the direct sun. 

After an hour and 15 minutes of sitting there I boarded the bus and said bye to him. Yet the whole day he was in my thoughts. In my short time of running to work, walking to the bus stop and sitting there I developed symptoms of heat exhaustion. I spent the rest of the day trying to rehydrate - drinking water, laying on the couch with an ice pack on my forehead, neck, armpits and knee joints. How can homeless people survive day after day in the desert heat? I wished I had money to help get some food for him. I considered taking something to him in my car after I got home. I have many stresses every day as I fight to provide for the kids on my minimal income. Yet I have been thankful for my house every day since we moved in. I know that I can find some ways to help others, despite my limited blessings. We often are so focused on our own lives that we don't care for others when we have the means and opportunity to do so. Our families are definitely an important priority. Yet I seem to observe others (and myself at times) acting like our family is the ONLY priority. From what I know of God, he wants us to help others, so this single-minded focus must grieve him. After all, is not the Christian mindset one of believing we are all homeless? This isn't our final destination. We are here for a little while. While here God wants us to honor him with our thoughts and actions. Part of this is in the way we relate to others. This means seeking to see others the way God sees them - with eyes filled with compassion, hearts filled with love and hands ready to get to work helping share their suffering.

I hope that this homeless man is able to receive the help he needs, either from individuals, groups or churches. I drive by that bus stop a lot. If I happen to see him there I plan to stop and chat with him again. I intend to keep my eye out for people that are needing some help, encouragement or maybe just a friend.

ETA - While the custom of foot washing isn't a common practice here, we can mimic the intent behind it when we compassionately listen and speak with people that may appear unlovable. I suspect there are many times this man has felt judgemental stares or harsh criticism from others. Probably people have moved due to feeling uncomfortable by him. I hope that he felt something different from me.  I still think about this man often, though I haven't seen him again. 

Reflections on Life's Lessons and Future Possibilities

My only son turns 10 today. It's a big deal to graduate to double digits! It doesn't seem like that much time has gone by. Many things have happened in that time frame some of which are moving from one continent to another, received home health care, lived in a shelter, been homeless, become a single parent, stopped homeschooling to go back in the work force, started taking online classes, sought ways to help others, changed churches, bought my first house and am learning how to survive on less then I made as a new college graduate. My days are constantly challenging and exhausting. 

My children are a bright spot in my life. Yet sadly sometimes that bright spot doesn't shine enough to lessen the darkness of events that occur. Today I felt prompted to go back to a location that pulls at me in dark times. A little less then 3 years ago I hiked up the mountain and almost didn't make it home. In 2003 there had been a terrible fire on the mountain top that burned down the homes, businesses and much of the forest. Sitting on the edge of a cliff I saw death everywhere. Charred trees still standing and some toppled despite strong trunks and roots. Brown grass and rock hard soil surrounded me. There were no signs of life. I could look across the chasm and see the trees unscathed on the other side. The distance between the lively forest and the dead forest mirrored the chasm between life and death, safety and terror, happiness and pain in my own life. I felt at home there, because I felt dead inside. There seemed no way that God could possibly revive me. There on the mountain I called a person I trusted and they talked me through the emotions, fears and doubts pulling at me until I felt ready to face life and the suffering that waited at the bottom of the mountain.

I have gone through so much in the past 3 years. Many of it has been one traumatic event after another. Most of it I've faced alone, despite reaching out and asking for help from individuals and communities. The pain of asking for help and being turned away compounds the struggles a person is in. When I'm confident that God is present and cares about my suffering, I know he's grieved at those people who have let me down in my greatest time of need. When I think of how the injustices I've suffered impact my children I feel discouraged and sometimes angry. Sometimes I think God is angry too and that he will fight for me. Sometimes the darkness pulls me away from God and I doubt his love and care. After all, how can he care about me when he allows others to fail me time and again?

I always have this hope that God will see I've suffered enough and give me a break. It would be great to have a timespan where I don't struggle so much and can spend my energy helping others instead of fighting against injustice every day. One time I'd love to find someone to share my life with who will build me up and not tear me down. I don't know if this will happen. When I'm feeling lost and sad being in high places make me feel closer to God. I think it's because I feel so small and insignificant that I worry he can't see me down here. So I climb to high places where I feel more exposed and hope he can't help but notice me and come near. The desert can be beautiful despite the heat and loneliness it reminds me off. After being hurt recently by a trusted confidant I felt an urge to go back to the mountain. (Probably not the best thing to do since I'd had an anaphylactic allergic response the Saturday before to some food I ate!) Still, I was drawn there irresistibly. Today was pleasant in the city and I knew the cool mountain air would give me a reprieve from the heat I feel wears me down at times. While I drove I couldn't help reflecting on the many times I'd driven the route and the past suffering I've faced. I've considered the future I want and wondered at the possibility of it ever happening. 

As soon as I stepped on the trail the surroundings began to invigorate me. The sunny day, the blue sky, the sounds of wildlife, the cool breeze. I enjoyed the trail and stopped to take pictures of scenery - the sunlight filtering through the trees, moss growing in downed trees, tiny flowers poking up from the ground. This part of the trail wasn't touched by the fire. I reached the top of the hike and walked along the service road, noticing the charred trees lined up against the ridge as I approached my special thinking spot. When I left the road and climbed over the boulders hiding it from sight there was an unexpected sight awaiting me. I had been back to the site a few times in the past three years. Always when there were things I needed to reflect on and process. Each time it was dreary and dead. Today there was life everywhere. The ground was covered with green grass. Moss grew on the boulders. Patches of flowers in varying colors were so abundant I was afraid to walk for fear I might trample them! A new tree was growing, already at about 2 feet tall. I sat on the boulder and took in the beauty that was there. I heard the chirping bird that sounded right next to me, because it actually was. For a few minutes the bird sat next to me on the boulder, almost as if say God had sent it to tell me that I'm not alone. Butterflies flitted around me and rested on the flowers. The breeze seemed to whisper to me a lesson I don't often feel…It sang of a possibility that I don't dare to voice for myself.

My most frequent life lessons have been that I can't trust people, things won't turn out the way I dream and attempts to better my life will backfire and end in pain…But sometimes I have rare occasions where something good does happen - like our new house that seems perfectly suited to us. I don't know how long it will be before another one of those events will occur. It's hard to wait for it when each day is so challenging, but this day I felt God was giving me a message. The forest that had been destroyed has come back to life. It will never be exactly the same as it was before the fire. But it is growing. It can still be beautiful. It can be strong again. Is that possible for me? As the breeze surrounded me it reminded me the bond I have with that place. Hidden off the path is this place special place to me because I have identified with it's struggle with darkness and fire. I have felt burnt and trapped in places where death seemed imminent and there was no hope of survival. Yet somewhere along the way the grass poked through and flowers have bloomed. Can I grow too? Can I become strong and even be beautiful one day? I returned home a few hours later to celebrate my son's birthday. My life certainly hasn't turned out the way I'd hoped. My children have to struggle with injustice along with me. My momma heart doesn't want my kids to suffer. Yet maybe their suffering can produce something beautiful and lively in them as well….

My heart is still heavy. I still want to close myself off and protect myself from being hurt by others. Yet the mountain whispers to me that I should keep my eyes open to a future that may be brighter then what I feel. I am still sad. I am still lonely and tired and afraid. I still doubt that I will come to a point where life will be easier, more rewarding and happy. Yet my heart is telling me to not discount the possibility that I can live a full life. My desire has been to help others. I often feel that my struggles prevent me from helping others because I'm so busy doing damage control in the daily battles that continue long past what I have felt is necessary. Sometimes I barely can recognize any semblance of faith remaining. While I don't enjoy the pain from the traumas I've experienced and the hurts trusted people have caused me, I hope I never forget what the journey has been like. I may one day be able to help others. Knowing what it is like to be mistreated, abused, misunderstood and neglected is something that Jesus knows even more so then me. I seem to be in good company. I hope I can continue going through these difficulties in a way that doesn't dishonor him and at some point be able to help others along the journey as well. 

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update - 8-28 - I do cherish my day on the mountain and the seed I have that change and growth can happen no matter how much time goes by. Yet an encouraging experience doesn't solve or end pain from suffering. I wanted to make that clear. I am still sad over events that have happened in the past week. It will take a long time before I'm not sad…So I don't want to give the impression that an event can or should solve all problems and pain. My deepest hurts have come out of relationships, especially those with trust at the core. These hurts are not easily fixed or brushed aside. Maybe my deepest joys will also come out of future relationships. If I was writer and director of my life I would not have chosen to experience all the trauma I've endured. I don't understand why I must go through so much to arrive at the end result that he desires for me. Sometimes I'm not even convinced that he's a good and loving God. What I now possess from my trip up the mountain is a tension between feeling God has given me a promise that one day things will be better and yet knowing I have to wait a while to get there, which means going through the pain and sadness between now and then!