Today I couldn't help but reflect on the past. Without meaning to take that trip back in time, I found myself there. It's been 4 years since I gave up on the dream of saving my marriage and fled to the domestic violence shelter. Even then I hadn't completely given up. I believed there was a chance my actions would stir up sorrow and repentance and change. While a lot has changed, a lot has stayed the same. The things I wish to change (the struggle) hasn't relented a bit. If I could, what would I tell that girl that ran to a safe place, hoping that one day she could return to a safe marriage? I am truly at a loss for what I would say. I wouldn't want to let her know of all the heartbreak and turmoil to come. That her faith in God wouldn't help her...and that she would barely have a shred of it left after dealing with losing her marriage, losing many of her friends, losing her church, losing her ability to always protect and provide for the children.
I would feel an obligation to prepare her, but how can you do such a thing? How can you tell her the people who should protect her would turn away? How can you tell her that her prayers and confidence in God would come crashing down around her. At times she'd feel buried under an avalanche of sadness and pressures. Other times she'd feel like she's holding on the side of a cliff watching her grip loosen, feeling gravity pulling her down.
This is what violence does to people. This is what happens when the justice system doesn't provide justice. This is what happens when friends can't be found. People struggle alone. Some people don't make it through the journey. There are many women who have left unsafe environments. A few are doing good. Many still struggle. Some of the ladies I met in the shelter are dead. Some of them are in jail as their efforts to cope led them down dark paths. Many, like me, live well below the poverty level and never know if the money for bills will be there in time. Is that truly freedom? There are many who haven't left. I suspect I would be one of those if I had known how incredibly difficult every day would be. If I had known how wrong things would turn out...I would have given up before even starting. This is why the ladies still trapped by abuse need us to speak up and set things right.
October - Domestic Violence Awareness Month - is over....but the violence hasn't stopped. Somebody right now is being beaten by their spouse for no good reason. I remember the days when it wasn't safe to feel, wasn't safe to cry. I cry for the ladies still trapped. I cry for the likelihood that things won't turn out for them the way they should. Everyone needs to wake up to what is really going on in many homes. A lot of people were talking when the Ray Rice video came out. The discussion was a good thing. Yet it shouldn't stop as people begin to forget and move on to the next media scandal. Women are special and should be treasured. Women have value and don't deserve to be emotionally, physically, verbally, financially, spiritually and sexually abused. Children shouldn't have to witness abuse, and certainly shouldn't be subjected to it either.
Somedays I wonder, what is God thinking. Does He cry for us? Has He cried for me? Is he angry at all the organizations, people and churches who fail to provide us safety, support and love? What is He doing? How can this be ok? How many women have turned away from God, unable to reconcile the silence with their view of who God is?
If you know someone who is or has been abused, reach out to them. They need to see kindness. They need the love, companionship and hope that you can give. You have a part in saving them from despair. They have had enough harshness to last a lifetime. Show them understanding and gentleness, even if they mess up. They already know their faults, having had their faces rubbed in them day after day. They have many demons clinging to them. Your interaction can help separate them from the ones that haunt their steps.
Does it get easier? I'm not sure yet. I would like to hope so, but I rarely let myself go there. I stay in the day to day - doing the next thing in front of me, trying not to look in the past and trying not to look into the unknown, scary future. Back in the days when I had unwavering faith in God I was confident the end would be ok. It sure sounds like a dream. Some days I can get there again. Other days I'm sure it will end in a nightmare, like many other things have in my life.
4 years....they've gone by fast and they've gone by slow. My children are growing and time with them is slipping away. Progression towards a better life seems stuck going at a snail's pace - if I'm even moving at all! I left because I believed there was something better out there...I believed that I deserved something better. I don't think I've found it yet. Sometimes I don't try. Some days I look around, scanning the horizon to look for it. Because I guess time does bring the capability to dream again. As time separates me farther from the past it is taking me to something. How I would like for it to go somewhere good!
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Testing - in school, in life and what God has to do with it
Back in March I had a conversation with my oldest daughter where I felt I was encouraging her to see daily life from a biblical mindset. I began this blog post yet didn't take the time to finish it. When I came back today to review where I had left off on my neglected blog, I discovered it was a lesson I needed today.
I've had a very difficult life. Very few seasons of good times with the majority of my life being one trial (or multiple severe trials) stretching out before me as far as I can see!
On this particular day, I was driving my three kids home after picking them up from school. My daughter was complaining about school and taking tests. She doesn't like preparing for them - the act of studying and having to spend time studying. She doesn't like taking them - the pressure of trying to recall the answers to questions. She doesn't like getting the results - especially when she wanted to do better on tests. She expressed a desire to never have tests. I sympathized with her, letting her she is not alone in this struggle. I told her tests in school are an important way for teachers to evaluate her understanding of the subjects she's taking and it can prepare her for a future career. We discussed the fact that unfortunately, the process of learning never stops and there are many types of tests.
I told her that in life God uses tests to show us where we are (what we've learned) and what areas we need to work on (what we need to study more). Personally, relationally, professionally, spiritually, physically, and on and on and on. We continue to develop and learn in all these areas which means we will always have tests in some way or the other. I encouraged her to look at tests as an opportunity for learning and growth. I encouraged her that setting good habits in studying, along with good attitudes about learning, testing and trials will help her in the future as her responsibilities grow and others depend on her. Our conversation was fairly quick and she both understood and acknowledged she agreed with me. We came away from the conversation remembering that learning is actually a good thing. Testing can be difficult and stressful. Yet it teaches us about ourselves, others, the world and God. My other two children were quiet during this conversation. I don't know if they listened or where thinking about other things. Often in the car there is a bunch of conversations going at once so having the time to address this aspect of her life was unusual!
As I started reviewing this post this morning I recalled my frustration at the trials of life...I recalled the times I've wanted to change my story and give myself a happy ending (starting today!). My life is exhausting and emotionally charged. Past or present trauma seems to lurk around every corner. I often wish, pray and BEG for a break. Just give me a month of peace and prosperity and I'll be good to go for whatever you want the next 39 years. Things remain difficult. I struggle through many days and get to the end with the knowledge the next day will be another struggle. Yet what I have craved - a time of rest and prosperity - should be more concerning.
Matthew 5: 3 - 13
Maybe we should be concerned in prolonged seasons of prosperity. These verses show God sees the struggles, tears and down-trodden people. He sees the desires of our hearts. He not only sees, He understands the struggles. AND each one of them has a result and a purpose. People who are blessed with seasons of rest may have turned away from God without realizing it. If life is easy people can get complacent. People that are meek, mournful, poor in spirit truly know their need and desperation. They deeply feel losses, pain and even joys when they do come. Often my mindset is just to survive the difficulties...And try not to complain, which I often fail at. I often don't feel God with me and sometimes I get very angry with Him. In time he breaks through to me and I see glimpses of Him. It can be very unsettling in those times of doubt. Yet they humble me and teach me. I don't always want to learn the lessons before me. But each day I wake up and and face them. So finishing this post today has been encouraging to me. I hope it has helped you in some way. Feel free to share any comments!
Originally started March 6th, 2014
I've had a very difficult life. Very few seasons of good times with the majority of my life being one trial (or multiple severe trials) stretching out before me as far as I can see!
On this particular day, I was driving my three kids home after picking them up from school. My daughter was complaining about school and taking tests. She doesn't like preparing for them - the act of studying and having to spend time studying. She doesn't like taking them - the pressure of trying to recall the answers to questions. She doesn't like getting the results - especially when she wanted to do better on tests. She expressed a desire to never have tests. I sympathized with her, letting her she is not alone in this struggle. I told her tests in school are an important way for teachers to evaluate her understanding of the subjects she's taking and it can prepare her for a future career. We discussed the fact that unfortunately, the process of learning never stops and there are many types of tests.
I told her that in life God uses tests to show us where we are (what we've learned) and what areas we need to work on (what we need to study more). Personally, relationally, professionally, spiritually, physically, and on and on and on. We continue to develop and learn in all these areas which means we will always have tests in some way or the other. I encouraged her to look at tests as an opportunity for learning and growth. I encouraged her that setting good habits in studying, along with good attitudes about learning, testing and trials will help her in the future as her responsibilities grow and others depend on her. Our conversation was fairly quick and she both understood and acknowledged she agreed with me. We came away from the conversation remembering that learning is actually a good thing. Testing can be difficult and stressful. Yet it teaches us about ourselves, others, the world and God. My other two children were quiet during this conversation. I don't know if they listened or where thinking about other things. Often in the car there is a bunch of conversations going at once so having the time to address this aspect of her life was unusual!
As I started reviewing this post this morning I recalled my frustration at the trials of life...I recalled the times I've wanted to change my story and give myself a happy ending (starting today!). My life is exhausting and emotionally charged. Past or present trauma seems to lurk around every corner. I often wish, pray and BEG for a break. Just give me a month of peace and prosperity and I'll be good to go for whatever you want the next 39 years. Things remain difficult. I struggle through many days and get to the end with the knowledge the next day will be another struggle. Yet what I have craved - a time of rest and prosperity - should be more concerning.
Matthew 5: 3 - 13
| Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. |
| Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. |
| Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. |
| Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. |
| Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. |
| Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. |
| Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. |
| Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. |
| Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you. |
| Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men. |
Maybe we should be concerned in prolonged seasons of prosperity. These verses show God sees the struggles, tears and down-trodden people. He sees the desires of our hearts. He not only sees, He understands the struggles. AND each one of them has a result and a purpose. People who are blessed with seasons of rest may have turned away from God without realizing it. If life is easy people can get complacent. People that are meek, mournful, poor in spirit truly know their need and desperation. They deeply feel losses, pain and even joys when they do come. Often my mindset is just to survive the difficulties...And try not to complain, which I often fail at. I often don't feel God with me and sometimes I get very angry with Him. In time he breaks through to me and I see glimpses of Him. It can be very unsettling in those times of doubt. Yet they humble me and teach me. I don't always want to learn the lessons before me. But each day I wake up and and face them. So finishing this post today has been encouraging to me. I hope it has helped you in some way. Feel free to share any comments!
Originally started March 6th, 2014
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Blogging Hiatus
As you probably noticed, I've taken a break from blogging. There are many reasons for it, which I may go into at some point in the future. There were some posts I'd like to have written, but felt the timing wasn't right. I plan to return to blogging soon, and hope I will write posts that are meaningful to my readers!
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Finding Time (or Not as the case is!)
I have 5 unfinished blog posts that were pressing on me when I started writing them. Other things squeezed out the time I would have devoted to them and I'm not sure if I will return to some of them, despite the importance of the topic! I find that life seems to move along with many responsibilities, many distractions and many goals that are more pressing then sitting down to write. This is sad, as it's always been a passion of mine.
In order to make time for it I am considering trying to schedule it into my day, which means something else will have to go! Hopefully once I'm back in the habit of writing regularly I will not need to schedule time for it, as I find that sitting to write at a specific time instead of when things are tumbling in my head usually means that the passion doesn't come through as well. Or the quality of my thoughts feel forced instead of natural trajectory of thoughts that was spurred on by an event.
If I had the time to write I would maybe blog about the loneliness and lack of connection I have with my family - who chose to not tell me for a whole month (!) that my sister had a massive heart attack, coded 5 times and is walking around with a defibrillator vest. Not only that they didn't tell me, but that they told my brother to NOT post about it on Facebook so I won't find out. Talk about feeling like an unvalued part of the family!
I haven't seen my family in around 6 years. I'd have to think back to exactly how long it's been because I've been through so much. They don't visit me, rarely contact me and yet I get lectured at how much time goes by since I'd last contacted them. Yet I get clear messages that I'm not an important factor in their life. I'm an afterthought. I wonder if that's the punishment I get for moving far away! I would visit if I could afford it, but it would remind me about how I'm not really a part of the family. I always feel like a guest....and that I don't belong.
My mom recently said she's going to stop sending me money each month. What she gave me was the part that made the difference in making all my bills. Now I'm going to be stuck not being able to cover all my expenses. She recently told me about an elective surgery she had and how happy she is at the results. Knowing these types of surgeries are not medically necessary AND expensive made me feel that my children and I are low on her priority list. From now on, things are going to be more difficult then they have been! So it will be even longer before I'm able to go home.
Yep, that's probably what I would write about. Trying to define who I am, and it seems being a part of a family doesn't appear to be it. But I've taken too much time already when I'm trying to finish 2 weeks of schoolwork in 2 days. I must sign off and get back to work.
Soon I will come here more often and get back to sharing my heart with people who want to listen. I wonder if I'm alone in feeling unconnected, pressed for time and busy with the normal things of life. I suspect many people feel similar sadness when thinking about their family. And I'm confident most of us feel we bounce around from one thing to the next while some of our dreams and desires are left undone. I hope to change that and make more time for more of what I enjoy!
In order to make time for it I am considering trying to schedule it into my day, which means something else will have to go! Hopefully once I'm back in the habit of writing regularly I will not need to schedule time for it, as I find that sitting to write at a specific time instead of when things are tumbling in my head usually means that the passion doesn't come through as well. Or the quality of my thoughts feel forced instead of natural trajectory of thoughts that was spurred on by an event.
If I had the time to write I would maybe blog about the loneliness and lack of connection I have with my family - who chose to not tell me for a whole month (!) that my sister had a massive heart attack, coded 5 times and is walking around with a defibrillator vest. Not only that they didn't tell me, but that they told my brother to NOT post about it on Facebook so I won't find out. Talk about feeling like an unvalued part of the family!
I haven't seen my family in around 6 years. I'd have to think back to exactly how long it's been because I've been through so much. They don't visit me, rarely contact me and yet I get lectured at how much time goes by since I'd last contacted them. Yet I get clear messages that I'm not an important factor in their life. I'm an afterthought. I wonder if that's the punishment I get for moving far away! I would visit if I could afford it, but it would remind me about how I'm not really a part of the family. I always feel like a guest....and that I don't belong.
My mom recently said she's going to stop sending me money each month. What she gave me was the part that made the difference in making all my bills. Now I'm going to be stuck not being able to cover all my expenses. She recently told me about an elective surgery she had and how happy she is at the results. Knowing these types of surgeries are not medically necessary AND expensive made me feel that my children and I are low on her priority list. From now on, things are going to be more difficult then they have been! So it will be even longer before I'm able to go home.
Yep, that's probably what I would write about. Trying to define who I am, and it seems being a part of a family doesn't appear to be it. But I've taken too much time already when I'm trying to finish 2 weeks of schoolwork in 2 days. I must sign off and get back to work.
Soon I will come here more often and get back to sharing my heart with people who want to listen. I wonder if I'm alone in feeling unconnected, pressed for time and busy with the normal things of life. I suspect many people feel similar sadness when thinking about their family. And I'm confident most of us feel we bounce around from one thing to the next while some of our dreams and desires are left undone. I hope to change that and make more time for more of what I enjoy!
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Overcoming Pain
The past 6 weeks have been a challenging time for me. If you know me you will think this isn't anything new. And in some ways it's not. Yet the recent challenges have been in different ways then usual. I was hiking about 5 weeks ago and sprained my ankle really bad. My ankle was swollen to three times the normal size. In the beginning I was constantly in pain. It was hard to move around for a week. I followed typical instructions for a sprain - pretty hard since I work at a gym and am a very active person. I missed my workouts, and wasn't able to teach classes for a couple weeks. I slowly adding back in workouts, starting with strength training and then attempting to run. It still hurt some, but the doctor said it was ok to add back in activities. I am mostly back to normal, able to do the activities I love and be on my feet a lot. Yet sometimes by the end of the day everything adds up. Today is one of those days - I was moving furniture around, had done workouts 2 days in a row and was on my feet a lot.
As soon as I got in the car after work tonight I couldn't keep the tears from streaming down my face any longer. When I get home at night I continue icing my ankle and rest it. Yet tonight I must finish a school assignment and it's hard to focus when my foot is throbbing so bad. Coupled with the fact that last week I had multiple viral infections and a very bad cough. I just finished my antibiotics, at night I start coughing hard - at times so hard that I can barely breathe. By morning it's gone, but it's more challenging to rest.
Why do I say all this? I've had to think a lot about my desires and needs. I've had to face pain when it comes...and face the fact that while I feel great at a given moment, that participating in a workout might cause pain later. I'd really like to avoid pain. I'm sure I'm not alone in that fact. Yet I know that pain is caused by many things. It can be a signal that good things are happening, or a signal that something needs to stop. I have learned that I'm willing to endure pain for things I love. Yet there are some activities that are pleasing to God that I don't like to do, want to do and sometimes try to avoid, because it's likely it will cause me some type of pain. I have seen that I'd rather do a workout and feel great, knowing the pain will come later then to skip the workout and not have any pain. God often wants us to lay aside our plans and (sometimes) selfish desires to do something for him. One thing I've noticed about being single is that I've become more self-centered. I control my life and I'm often able to do what I want when I want it. I believe God is calling me to expand my activities to include others, to give to others and to serve others. A part of me cringes at this. I have an agenda of trying to make my life as a single parent be as easy and painless as possible. Yet I also feel an isolation and laziness that can be overcome by reaching out to others.
I will spend more time contemplating what I feel he's leading me too. For now I need to try and focus on pushing through the pain and finishing my paper for class!
Does anyone else have these struggles or thoughts to share?
As soon as I got in the car after work tonight I couldn't keep the tears from streaming down my face any longer. When I get home at night I continue icing my ankle and rest it. Yet tonight I must finish a school assignment and it's hard to focus when my foot is throbbing so bad. Coupled with the fact that last week I had multiple viral infections and a very bad cough. I just finished my antibiotics, at night I start coughing hard - at times so hard that I can barely breathe. By morning it's gone, but it's more challenging to rest.
Why do I say all this? I've had to think a lot about my desires and needs. I've had to face pain when it comes...and face the fact that while I feel great at a given moment, that participating in a workout might cause pain later. I'd really like to avoid pain. I'm sure I'm not alone in that fact. Yet I know that pain is caused by many things. It can be a signal that good things are happening, or a signal that something needs to stop. I have learned that I'm willing to endure pain for things I love. Yet there are some activities that are pleasing to God that I don't like to do, want to do and sometimes try to avoid, because it's likely it will cause me some type of pain. I have seen that I'd rather do a workout and feel great, knowing the pain will come later then to skip the workout and not have any pain. God often wants us to lay aside our plans and (sometimes) selfish desires to do something for him. One thing I've noticed about being single is that I've become more self-centered. I control my life and I'm often able to do what I want when I want it. I believe God is calling me to expand my activities to include others, to give to others and to serve others. A part of me cringes at this. I have an agenda of trying to make my life as a single parent be as easy and painless as possible. Yet I also feel an isolation and laziness that can be overcome by reaching out to others.
I will spend more time contemplating what I feel he's leading me too. For now I need to try and focus on pushing through the pain and finishing my paper for class!
Does anyone else have these struggles or thoughts to share?
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Poor Neglected Blog
I have been terribly remiss in blogging. My next few posts will likely be something like passing time, or the books I've been reading (I haven't posted the recent ones I've read yet!) or tv shows I've seen. Still haven't finished some of my posts on abuse so have those on my list too.
But since I want to post things relevant to my audience, leave me a comment as to something you want me to write about and I'll add it to my list. Hopefully it will prompt me to get back here soon!
But since I want to post things relevant to my audience, leave me a comment as to something you want me to write about and I'll add it to my list. Hopefully it will prompt me to get back here soon!
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