Wednesday, October 16, 2013

What Exactly is Abuse? Part 2

This post is a continuation of the previous post, which you can find by clicking here. Here are more of the lesser known or less often considered aspects of abuse we can gloss right by, not realizing the serious effect on the victim. Again, I reiterate that when you add all the little things in with what most people label abuse you discover the weight of the oppression the victim lives with every day. 

1 - Aspect of Power - This is the aspect behind all the actions and words of the abuser. The goal is to gain power over the other party, so that she is controlled by him and indebted to him for everything she needs. This aspect denies her basic rights to make her own choices. He will use his rules as laws to enforce the power he has to keep her in line. He will deprive her of a private life and control everything that he feels entitled to. If he senses her gaining some independence he will say or do things to take that independence away so he maintains control over her. 

A common example of this is in denying the person the basic necessity of sleep. An abusive person will often prevent her from sleeping when she's tired because he still wants to spend time with her. Arguments rarely end until he's ready for them to end, usually meaning they can last long into the night regardless of how tired she is. There are different degrees of how this grasp for power manifests. Some men dictate exactly when the duties he've assigned to her must be done. If she steps outside the lines of what he wants then he feel justified in punishing her in some way.

In a healthy marriage it is ok for partners to discuss roles and tasks that each spouse will do. Yet from observing healthy marriages I notice more of a give and take. The spouses are a team and when one person isn't able to do a task the other will often take up the slack without punishing the other for it. A cooperative spirit is demonstrated. This mutuality in the relationship recognizes each person has different strengths and weaknesses and works together to a common goal where both people are stronger together. Differences are acknowledged and even celebrated as opportunities. Neither person seeks to win at all costs. 

2 - Aspect of Using ChildrenThis facet is particular hurtful to the woman who carried these children during pregnancy, sacrificing her own needs for her unborn children. She labored to bring them into the world and continues to love, nurture and sacrifice for them everyday since. This aspect happens during the relationship and sadly, it often happens after the relationship has ended. If an abusive partner is not happy with his partner he will seeks ways  to keep her in line. One way is using the children to shame her back into the place he wants to keep her. Another is public humiliation, which will be discussed next. He will criticize her in front of the children, which in impressionable children often interferes with her relationship with her children. They will see her as the cause of the tension in the home and will pressure her to do everything to keep dad happy. 

When the couple divorces this aspect often continues. The man will use child support as leverage to continue controlling the woman. He often will say negative things to the children that they will pass along to their mom. This results in continued abuse by indirect messages from the children. These young children rarely realize that they are being manipulated and controlled for the purpose of continuing to harm the other parent. The woman feels great pain at hearing her children repeat all the things daddy has said about her. This is one of the great injustices of trying to break free of abuse. When children are involved it is rarely possible to be completely free from abuse.

In a healthy marriage, spouses will not attempt to use the children to win the argument. They won't want to interfere with the children's relationship with the other parent. True families seek to build up each member and encourage them to overcome difficulties. It is a great disservice to the children to observe one parent trying to win and control at all costs. Our children are set up to be in unhealthy relationships when they are subjected repeatedly to this tactic from a young age. Most of them won't even realize the manipulation they are undergoing. Children long to believe their parents are caring, safe and wise individuals. They struggle to accept that a parent is being inappropriate. This can negatively impact their future and hurts future generations! 

3 - Aspect of HumiliationI previously mentioned using children as one way he can humiliate his wife, especially if the children publicly humiliate their mom as a result of things he's said to them. He can appear to have done nothing wrong if the children say something and not him. There are many other ways this tactic can be used. Inappropriate touching in public sends a message to her and others that she is property and is not respected. It is embarrassing to be mistreated and demeaned in front of others. Also putting her down in front of others or making jokes about her in her presence is humiliating. This man can degrade everything from her appearance, financial, parenting  or housekeeping skills. Anything that he doesn't approve of can be used to hurt her and embarrass her.

Christians know God instructs us to love one another and within marriage man is called to cherish his wife. Clearly, publicly humiliating the woman doesn't show true love and certainly doesn't cherish her presence in his life. A man who is hurting his spouse is actually hurting himself. He may think he is winning, but he is actually losing! If he is going to change he will need to come to the point he realizes this and learn how to treat her differently. 

4 - Aspect of Silence The main example here is giving the silent treatment when not approving of something the spouse has said or done. She will know that he is punishing her. Sometimes she will know why he's angry and other times she won't know what caused it. This is a very tense and stressful way to live. A woman's attempts to discover what caused the tension in order to resolve the issue will usually result in one of the other aspects flaring up - either emotional, verbal or physical abuse. Some people may think the absence of hurtful words is good. Yet knowing something isn't right but being ignored or neglected is damaging to the person's worth. The message conveyed is that if you upset me you deserve pain in return. 

This is counter to a healthy relationship where each person wants to demonstrate love and care. While there are times when discussing issues need to be postponed, the normal pattern is to kindly bring up issues to work through and have healthy dialog that doesn't attack the other person. Relationships thrive on interaction and withholding that from one of the parties is detrimental to the person and the relationship.

5 - Aspect of IntimidationHere a man tries to maintain control through actions designed to intimidate her. He will look at her a certain way, make gestures, do certain actions, argue continuously and loudly or curse and rage. These actions scare her because she realizes how pervasive his desires to be more powerful are. Over time she will learn what things cause him to act this way and will often try to placate him beforehand so she isn't exposed to these unpleasant experiences. Her life becomes driven by fear and she is always thinking and analyzing situations to figure out how to avoid getting hurt.  

In a loving and mutually supportive relationship neither spouse will try to scare the other person to influence decisions, activities and other wants. It seems like a given that to truly love a spouse would mean to not want to cause them to be afraid of you. 

6 - Aspect of Isolation - This makes her dependent on him for her view of herself. 

Here the abusive person seeks to control her actions in many different ways. He will control who she talks to, convince her to drop outside interests, prevent her from seeing and talking to friends, listen to her calls, he wants to always know where she is and will sometimes move to separate her from a good support system. I met a woman at the shelter who was forced to sell her car and stay in the house all day while he was at work. They didn't have a house phone and he would take her cell phone with him when he left for work. One man wouldn't let her have the password to the internet so she could only be surfing the web when he was sitting right next to her watching! If they do leave some contact with the outside world with the woman (phone or email) they will often check in multiple times a day to keep tabs on her.

These things often happen so subtly that the victim doesn't realize that her ability to relate on equal footing is being stripped away. What woman would want to question why her husband wants her to not hang out or talk to family and friends? It can make her feel important and special that he wants to spend so much time with her. Things progress pretty far before she wakes up to the realization that the attention she's getting is NOT the kind that she has always wanted.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________
In my next post I will break down the more talked about aspects of abusive relationships. Then I will begin to explain other aspects like why she doesn't leave, what red flags you can spot and helpful links and books to read.

No comments:

Post a Comment