Chances are most of you know someone who's been abused, or have experienced it yourself. Yet some of my readers may not have had any exposure to abuse. There are many different forms, and during this month I will discuss a range of types, from general abuse to more specifics such as domestic violence, sexual abuse, stalking, verbal abuse and spiritual abuse. I think that abuse has at times become one of those words that has been heard and used so much that it's lost the weightiness of how it impacts a person. I hope in these posts you will learn something, be moved to compassion for hurting people and find encouragement for struggles you or a loved one may have faced in the past. If you realize you are currently in an abusive situation, I will also post here some of the lessons I have learned, things I wish I had fought for and other thoughts on the matter. I am in the process of writing a book, because I have learned in the Christian faith that certain forms of abuse are still ignored, minimized or attempted to be suppressed.
Here are some statistics I found in Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does He Do That?
- 2-4 million women are assaulted by their partner every year in the US.
- Attacks by males are the number 1 cause of injury in women age 15-44.
- The trauma from partner violence is a factor in 1/4 of female suicide attempts and is the leading cause of substance abuse in women.
- 1 out of 3 women will experience violence from her husband or boyfriend.
- 5 million children per year witness an attack on their mothers.
To answer what is going on, I have summarized a diagram by Paul Hegstrom, who outlines the many facets of abusive relationships. Paul was a pastor who severely abused his wife and was facing criminal charges. When he became convinced of the seriousness of his behavior he committed to change and worked hard on his attitudes and behaviors. He then wrote a book called Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them.
Aspects of an abusive relationship (pg 24-25):
- Physical Abuse - beating, biting, choking, grabbing, kicking, punching, restraining, shaking, shoving, using weapons and more
- Male Privilege - makes all decisions, treats person like a servant
- Knowledge Abuse - gets therapy and uses it against her
- Sexual Abuse -attacks her, demand unwanted acts, interrupts sleep for sex, extreme jealousy
- Humiliation - hostile humor, public criticism, degrades appearance / parenting skills / housekeeping...
- Responsibility Abuse - makes victim responsible for everything - bills, parenting, cleaning, etc
- Medical Abuse - keeps her from medical treatment from injuries and / or normal check-ups.
- Religious Abuse - uses scripture to abuse and other spiritual language
- Using Children - passes messages through children, uses visitation to harass, uses money as leverage
- Power - denies basic rights, uses law to enforce his power, deprives her of private life, controls everything
- Stalking - spies on her, follows her, shows extreme distrust
- Emotional Abuse - puts her down, calls her names, plays mind games, withholds affection
- Threats - to end relationship, to hurt her, to take the children, report her,
- Economic Abuse - restricts her employment, takes money she earns, makes her ask for money, etc
- Financial Abuse - ruins her credit, puts everything in his name to make her dependent on him
- Intimidation - uses looks, actions and voice to cause fear, argues continuously
- Property Violence - punches walls, abuses pets, breaks doors, etc
- Isolation - controls her actions, who she talks to, listens to calls, restricts outside interests, deprives her of friends
- Silence - uses silence as a weapon, doesn't communicate or express emotion to punish her
- Verbal Abuse - curses, accuses, name-calling, uses past to control and manipulate
The WHY of abusive behavior becomes clear from these examples. An abusive person systematically seeks to gain power over the other person and controls aspects of their life. Overtime this demeaning behavior strips the person of their worth and dignity. The victim lives in fear and dread of the next attack. Some abusers are consistent in their tactics. Some will shift styles to find new ways to control the victim if they feel they're losing the power they had. David Powlison from CCEF says that abuse is damaging because it involves a betrayal of trust. I can wholeheartedly agree with him. Abuse can happen between anyone. Some examples - between siblings, friends, or dating people - will be devastating - yet there is an ingredient missing that would take it to the next level of destruction. The most damaging types of abusive relationships are ones that involve a person in authority who betrays the trust you've placed in them.
Examples of these are:
- Parent / child
- Teacher / student
- Counselor / counselee
- Priest / parishioner or pastor / member or church leaders / member
- Husband / wife (in conservative circles)
- Boss / employee
These people have authority because of their position. They are supposed to protect you, care for you, provide for you. There is a hierarchy set into the relationship from the beginning which automatically gives them power over you. Their responsibility is to look out for YOUR welfare. But when they seek to use you to get something they want it can turn into abuse. All relationships are built on give and take. When someone has power over you it is harder to not feel obligated to give when they ask, even if what they ask for is wrong. From my personal experience, the hardest form of abuse to recover from is spiritual abuse. A parent, husband and pastor can do this by using scripture to elicit unquestioning obedience to their demands. These situations are very difficult to get free of. A student, counselee and employee can leave the situation easier then a child, spouse or church member.
Out of all the types of abuse, I believe the most destructive is between a pastor (or group of church leaders) and a member of the church. My faith is important to me. I believe God created us. I have been taught (and affirm) WCF question 1 - that my main purpose is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. I want my life to honor him. I want to share my faith with others and help them find purpose in their life and hope for their future. Yet it feels many of my experiences are undermining those beliefs and desires. ANY abuse is devastating to a person's identity. You can't help but question: Why it happened? What does it mean for me and about me? Will I ever be cherished? Am I unlovable? And on and on the questions, doubts and fears attack the victim. The Bible calls leaders to shepherd and protect the flock of members. When those leaders abuse their power and authority it begins stripping down the faith of the community. When a vulnerable person goes to their pastor for counseling and ends up being abused is it any wonder that their faith is severely hindered? The person in the middle of the situation may be incapable of believing that God is grieved over their mistreatment. They have believed that the pastor and leaders were called to serve the members and teach them truths about God. They will begin to feel that maybe the truth is that God doesn't love them or maybe God isn't really a good God. This is clearly something we don't want to happen and we must find better ways to help these victims!
This post is just an introduction to the different aspects of abuse. I hope it has started you thinking about the experiences of others and the drastic implications it has for their lives. I will attempt to write 2-3 posts each week on aspects of abuse. Some of my writings will be based on previous experiences of mine and some will be based from the experiences of women I've met in group therapy. I will share books and other resources that have helped me. I am in the process of writing a survey for abuse survivors on their experiences, where they sought help and what worked and didn't work, including how their churches responded, because I believe there is a problem in our churches that need to be addressed in hopes of a solution. I hope to incorporate the survey results into my book, though it will likely be a long time before I'm finished with that goal! In the meantime, I hope my posts will help bring more awareness to these issues so we all can do a better job of helping those in crisis!
I welcome your thoughts - please leave comments and if there any topics you want me to address then let me know!
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