I
have lived somewhere in the desert - both figuratively and literally -
for most of my life. I am attempting to create a new life for me, one
where growth and life can be found, even in the dark and dry places. My
shelter is both literal and figurative. My faith has provided the only
true shelter up to now, and I've even doubted that at times - based on
events, fears and pain that has been overwhelming for much of my life.
It is felt like a never-ending wilderness with very few respites along
the way...most of which seemed like a shelter that was barely standing,
wells that were polluted with dirt and food that was rotting. Every good
thing was souring as soon as I got there, and I often felt and was told
that it was all me that caused these things.
Now I
have come to a shelter (literally) where many other women are seeking to
figure out who they are and who they want to be, how to break free from
abuse and how to find the courage to protect their children when
needed. This shelter in the wilderness is a safe place to learn and
growth and struggle without fear or criticism. God has brought me to
this place so that through the knowledge of the workers here, that I can
make some sense of my confusion and pain and learn to move past it; to
not just survive but to learn to heal.
Elizabeth
Clephane wrote the hymn Beneath the Cross of Jesus in 1868 - one year
before her death. Here is the first stanza - where I get the name for
this blog and the mindset that I've decided to bring into my time here
in the shelter.
Beneath the cross of Jesus I fain would take my stand,
The shadow of a mighty Rock Within a weary land.
A home within the wilderness, A rest upon the way,
From the burning of the noontide heat And the burden of the day.
The
cross is where we gain everything we need. Our strength in tough times,
our shade in the heat, a safe place to turn to for rest and shelter and
freedom from those things that haunt us. It grieves me to have had to
run from places that should be a haven for me in order to escape danger.
While it has at times seemed to me that God is just as dangerous as
everyone else, He still stands by me when everyone else looks away and
while I may lose Him for a time He always gets through to me.
Here
is what I wrote Oct 28th. Preface - it appears all is set up. I go to
the shelter tomorrow. Since I cannot feel safe in my own home I need to
find another place to be. I'm now wondering if waiting until tomorrow is
wise. They were ready for us tonight. I am hurting so bad over so many
events in my life. I don't want to die, but I want to make the pain
stop. I need to be free from these fears or I won’t be able to make it.
This is the best life for me right now. I know it.
--------------------
Now
I have come to the shelter with 34 other women (2 new ones just came
today- Nov 3rd) and 29 children! We are all looking for hope. I know
that while the only choice left for me was to come to this shelter, it
is not my true hope. God will use this place, these ladies, even the
other women to grow me, stretch me, teach me, change me...I also hope He
will use me to teach those around me that my hope isn't in the support
groups and the workers and the programs. It is in the God who came here
with me, who will take anything and everything and use it to draw people
to Him. I hope people will see a difference in me. Maybe this place
won't just be good for me...maybe I can be good for it too. May God be
glorified through my pain.
