I apologize for being unable to post for the past couple weeks. I've been going through some problems with my family and other transitions that have taken up a lot of time. I intend to continue blogging about abuse, but also write on other topics, since I had drafts on social issues I put on hold during October that I want to finish! I hope to get back into the habit and blog 2 or 3 times a week….
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Since I've given a good overview of different facets of abuse I will switch and discuss Frequently Asked Questions. If you have a question you want me to answer let me know in the comments and I'll work it into upcoming posts.
One frequently asked question is "Why don't you / doesn't she just leave him?"
While each situation is unique, most abused partners fall within several categories here. To the person being abused, the abuse feels like many different things. If abuse if publicly witnessed it can bring embarrassment…but much deeper then that it will bring shame and guilt as the victim has been humiliated and feels they should have known it was coming to be able to avoid the public spectacle.
It can feel like a punishment for failing to do something or be someone. The abuser makes it clear the victim can't live up to expectations. These expectations are continually thrown in the victim's face, until they begin to feel normal (even when they aren't.) This is a big factor in why many abused women don't leave. They can't imagine a relationship where they could have freedom, much less it be ok! When your actions are heavily controlled, freedom is scary! Having to think for yourself is difficult…This is even more difficult when the other person has criticized you so much that you don't have confidence in yourself anymore. Abused women second guess every decision they make, because someone else is trying to define reality for them. When they are alone and need to make a decision they will find themselves wondering what the abuser would think….and their decisions are often based on what they think will make him the happiest. It is devastating when even after all the time spent considering an issue the abuser is upset over their decision. Over time she believes that she is the problem in the relationship and she just needs to try harder to make him happier. Once a person reaches this point, they will take responsibility for the abuser's actions. This makes it a lot harder to think about leaving, because it means she would have to admit that it isn't her fault and she can't make it better. Sadly, these issues are reinforced when church leaders tell the women who come to them for protection that they need to go home and try harder and pray harder. Telling them they need to learn to love their husband in the way he needs can cause them to be abused more, as some of the abusive mans "needs" are destructive and unbiblical.
Eventually some women come back to the point of knowing they should leave….that they need to leave if they want to be safe. Some never do. These reasons may all be a part of it. Children are also a big factor in whether to stay or not. Finances are a huge reason, as most abused women are at a vast economic disadvantage. Some women have become convinced they don't deserve safety or love. Abuse doesn't just affect the emotions and cause physical pain, but it actually changes the beliefs and attitudes of the victim over time. In order to make the decision to leave, the woman must somehow realize and become convinced that she deserves something better. It is hard to get to this point if you've been isolated from others and are in a community that believes the abuser is a great guy. The hardest part of stepping out and telling others what you experience is having them not believe you or doubt that it's as bad as you say.
The most important thing I can say to those going through abuse is that God didn't design this world for you to be treated like this. The most important thing I can say to those who hear of a friend going through abuse is to compassionately listen to them, believe the seriousness of the situation and help support them practically and emotionally. We need to be involved in other's lives and let their struggles affect us. Most of us would say that we don't know anyone being abused, but if you started asking people you know I'd be shocked if you didn't find someone admit to being a victim. I'm not necessarily suggesting you ask everyone you know if they're being abused. What I am saying is it's more widespread then you realize. If you do find yourself discovering situations of abuse, please do what you can to help. You can be a person who helps to bring healing, or if you turn away you can end up causing more wounds.
I will continue blogging intermittently about abuse. As always, please comment with thoughts or questions. Thanks!
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