Sunday Reflection - Day 31

Purification (from Valley of Vision)

Lord Jesus, I sin. Grant that I may never cease grieving because of it, never be content with myself, never think I can reach a point of perfection. Kill my envy, command my tongue, trample down self. Give me grace to be holy, kind, gentle, pure, peaceable, to live for Thee and not for self, to copy Thy words, acts, spirit, to be transformed into Thy likeness, to be consecrated wholly to Thee, to live entirely to Thy glory.

Deliver me from attachment to things unclean, from wrong associations, from the predominance of evil passions, from the sugar of sin as well as its gap; that with self-loathing, deep contrition, earnest heart searching I may come to Thee, cast myself on Thee, trust in Thee, cry to Thee, be delivered by Thee.

O God, the Eternal All, help me to know that all things are shadows, but Thou art substance, all things are quicksands, but Thou art mountain, all things are shifting, but Thou art anchor, all things are ignorance, but Thou art wisdom.

If my life is to be a crucible amid burning heat, so be it, but do Thou sit at the furnace mouth to watch the ore that nothing be lost. If I sin willfully, grievously, tormentedly, in grace take away my mourning and give me music; remove my sackcloth and clothe me with beauty; still my sighs and fill my mouth with song, then give me summer weather as a Christian.

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This one reminds me of my goal, stated more eloquently then I can - to sum it up: To be aware of who I am, aware of what I need and aware that God is the one in control. I pray that He is as careful with me as He needs to be. It is hard to be in the fire. I think am glad that I am aware of my struggles and not blind to them and therefore unwilling to work on overcoming them.

Running the Race - Day 23 part 2

Today one of my friends came and picked me up for an 8.5 mile race. This is the same friend who did a 10 mile race with me in October. We drove south of town to a pecan grove. It was SOO awesome. I took pictures. Maybe I'll try to figure out how to load pictures here into the blog at some point. I wasn't sure I'd be able to run the whole way without stopping. This is a good metaphor for my life. I never know anymore whether I'm going to make it. I lose hope and confidence fast. I was a great runner in jr high and high school. I was asked to joing the track team a year early because I was good...but even back then I doubted myself. I ran because I liked it. Back then I didn't have too much of a competitive spirit. I did some, and I strategically planned some of my races and did well...but I really ran to stay away from the home and the abuse that waited for me there. Maybe that was it...I ran because I needed to run away. I've always seemed to be running for something. I still feel like that at times. Maybe it is part of the avoidant personality I have. However, I am seeking to get to a healthier place...and I believe if I work at it I can get there. I wonder whether it is appropriate to be here. I can't remember who said it to me...but someone told me I wasn't running away from abuse...but I was running to something else. So I'm trying to choose that.

But I still feel like what I am doing is running away and hiding. I wish this was all in my head. I wish there wasn't this certainty that I haven't been safe...this nagging feeling that if I leave I will be thrown back into it. I have this fear that 4 months isn't going to be enough to protect me from all the danger I face from others and myself. But today I chose to wake up and go run. It was a fun race and I kept up with my friend for about 3 miles (last month she dropped me about 3 minutes into the race because I wasn't in shape having not trained.) I still actually haven't trained. I've only run about 1 day a week since coming to the shelter. It is too hard to fit it in...but on those days when it's worked I've gone long. I figure might as well capitalize on the opportunity. So today was a good day. I ran the whole 8.5 miles without walking. I did stop at 2 water stations to get water. That was a HUGE moment for me pyschologically....during races, whenever I stop to drink water or walk that is usually the end. From that point on I can't fight the doubts and I start walking more then running. This time I started back each time! And at about mile 6 I realized I'm not really having a hard time breathing and though my legs are tired I can do this. I ran those last 2.5 miles faster then any of the others. In running speak I made 7 "kills" - meaning I passed 7 people...I usually only pass 1 or 2. In the end I finished with a good pace. I finished 5 minutes behind my friend. A big improvement because last month I finished 25 minutes behind her!

(I celebrated later by taking the bus to one of my favorite places to eat - Chick-fil-A - to get food and a milkshake. I earned it burning off all those calories right? I mostly rested all day and tried to not get too stressed about church.

One thing I hope will happen to me in my real life is that I can finish well. For some strange reason - despite how much I struggle during races - I have energy at the end. I get near the finish and I just automatically go faster. I kicked it hard at the end and was getting lots of cheers from the surrounding people demonstrating how impressed they were that I was sprinting at the end of 8.5 miles. Maybe, despite (or in spite of?) all the pain I seem to constantly face, when I get to the end of my life - maybe I'll be able to kick it and go out strong. I hope God will give me the grace to persevere. Hope.

I want to write a bit more - but we must schedule computer time at the shelter and I've run out :(

A Saturday Reflection - (Day 23)

Jenna's favorite Christian Artist is Indie singer JJ Heller..This new song of hers really hits me.

“He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed

And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I…”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew”

Sigh. That is my life...waiting for someone to love me. I know God does. I often feel He is the only one. That this world He created where we are supposed to have small glimpses of heaven (some of that through realtionships) NEVER comes for me. 

It feels like too much to hope for, so I am gearing up for a life of being alone. I think it will be ok. Maybe.

Valley of Vision Meditation (Day 22)

From the Valley of Vision - 

This is the one I read and prayed over last Sunday morning before heading to church and having to face a confrontation with someone.


TRUE RELIGION

Lord God Almighty,
I ask not to be enrolled amongst the earthly great and rich,
but to be numbered with the spiritually blessed.
Make it my present, supreme, persevering concern,
to obtain those blessings which are
spiritual in their nature,
eternal in their continuance,
satisfying in their possession.
Preserve me from a false estimate of the whole or a part of my character;
May I pay regard to my principles as well as my conduct,
my motives as wells as my actions.
Help me never to mistake the excite- ment of my passions,
for the renewing of the Holy Spirit,
never to judge my religion by occasional impressions and im- pulses, but by my constant and prevailing disposition.
May my heart be right with thee, and my life as becometh the gospel.
May I maintain a supreme regard to another and better world,
and feel and confess myself a stranger and a pilgrim here.
Afford me all the direction, defence, support, and consolation
my journey hence requires,
and grant me a mind stayed upon thee.
Give me a large abundance of the supply of the Spirit of Jesus,
that I may be prepared for every duty,
love thee in all my mercies,
submit to thee in every trial,
trust thee when waiting in darkness,
have peace in thee amidst life's changes.
Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief and uncertainties.

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This is my prayer, that I focus on eternal things, not be deceived, be given exactly what I need from God to get through each day and that I have a mind stayed on Him...that is probably my biggest struggle - to not be wrapped up in sadness and pain and think He isn't there, or be discouraged that I don't find him in it.

Day 7 at the Shelter - Expanding the Mission

A few nights ago I brought out the book The Valley of Vision (a book of Puritan prayers that have always resonated with me) and I started reading at the begining...

The Valley of Vision

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly, Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights; hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine; let me find Thy light in my darkness, Thy life in my death, Thy joy in my sorrow, Thy grace in my sin, Thy riches in my poverty, Thy glory in my valley.

I couldn't have put it any better myself! This prayer shows the contrast between our deepest needs and His greatest power; how the wisdom of the world contrasts with God's true wisdom and that things aren't always as they seem when looked at through His eyes. It was a very encouraging prayer and as I often feel in the deepest valley, separated from Him in such a vast way that I wonder if He can even see me, if I will ever be able to hear Him again and how long it will be before I am closer to Him again. I have to try to remind myself that while what I feel is painful and real, that there is One who has power over everything I suffer through and one day it will end. On those days when it is almost too much, instead of looking far off into the future and being discouraged about all the pain between now and then, I turn to God to help me through the next moment. It is hard. It is tiring, but it is in some way as the prayer states... light in darkness, life in death, joy in sorrow, grace in sin, riches in poverty and glory in the valley. God will be glorified no matter what. That thought is the hope and peace that breaks through pain.

Day 6 at the Shelter - My Mission

After the house meeting ends (on Tues nights) we pick chores. The system I’ve tried to use goes through the house in one month by breaking it up into zones for detailed cleaning and a little bit of maintenance cleaning of the whole home during each week. So I decided to try and pick chores based on that so I’d have gotten a good habit going when I get a new place, though it will have been on a smaller scale it would still be good enough that hopefully I could build on the momentum. So I picked cleaning up the front yard as that is the first zone tackled in a month. Then as i was thinking I realized how important it was in my mind an maybe for the other women as well to work on the front yard.

The yard is the first thing they see when they arrive at the shelter. While I was relieved to be at the shelter and hopeful that it would help, I still noticed when I first arrived that it was messy. Now, after seeing the issues the ladies were struggling with and the selfish attitudes that were popping up - I thought, here is part of my mission. Overall, I want  to be able to show them the hope and difference trusting in God can make instead of just themselves. At first I wasn’t sure one way to accomplish this, but now I realize the significance of the chore I picked. I can do my part to help these ladies like coming “home”. Because people have come to the shelter to feel safe, they don’t spend time in the front yard, though it is big and beautifully designed. The focus is getting in the house after being out in the scary world, and once locked inside the gate, then going about their day. The yard has been neglected because it’s just a waypoint to the safe environment we’ve all hoped for. That state of it reflects that it isn’t important and not worth caring about. Yet coming home to the shelter, when the first thing you see is disorganization translates to more discomfort even after entering the home.

My task was to sweep the walkways from the parking lot and pick up trash on the ground. I did that the first day - there was so much dirt and rocks on the pathway that it took a long time to sweep. I then beat the welcome mats out so they weren’t caked with dust and lastly, stopped to curl up the hose that someone had used and left stretched out for at least this whole first week I’d been there. I walked around the yard to see what other things I could do the following day that would make the yard look better.

It’s already working. I heard a lady tell her friend that she actually smiled when she came back that day. I see these chores (and being there as well) as my greater purpose. I am not just here for me. I’m not just here for the kids. I’m here for God - this shelter is a real reminder that though so many people get settled and comfortable in their lives, this isn’t really our home. We are made for something bigger and greater. We are passing through this life. We need to seek to discover what we can do while we are here for Him and for others. The staff at the shelter are helping us face our pain and work through them. I intend to spend as much time as I can giving back and pointing to God as the Ultimate One who is helping me. Maybe He can use me to bring a deeper hope to some of these women that the staff can’t bring no matter how hard we try. That is my purpose I believe God has for me in the shelter!

Before Embarking on a New Journey (Day 0 at the Shelter)

I have lived somewhere in the desert - both figuratively and literally - for most of my life. I am attempting to create a new life for me, one where growth and life can be found, even in the dark and dry places. My shelter is both literal and figurative. My faith has provided the only true shelter up to now, and I've even doubted that at times - based on events, fears and pain that has been overwhelming for much of my life. It is felt like a never-ending wilderness with very few respites along the way...most of which seemed like a shelter that was barely standing, wells that were polluted with dirt and food that was rotting. Every good thing was souring as soon as I got there, and I often felt and was told that it was all me that caused these things.

Now I have come to a shelter (literally) where many other women are seeking to figure out who they are and who they want to be, how to break free from abuse and how to find the courage to protect their children when needed. This shelter in the wilderness is a safe place to learn and growth and struggle without fear or criticism. God has brought me to this place so that through the knowledge of the workers here, that I can make some sense of my confusion and pain and learn to move past it; to not just survive but to learn to heal.

Elizabeth Clephane wrote the hymn Beneath the Cross of Jesus in 1868 - one year before her death. Here is the first stanza - where I get the name for this blog and the mindset that I've decided to bring into my time here in the shelter.

Beneath the cross of Jesus I fain would take my stand,
The shadow of a mighty Rock Within a weary land.
A home within the wilderness, A rest upon the way,
From the burning of the noontide heat And the burden of the day.

The cross is where we gain everything we need. Our strength in tough times, our shade in the heat, a safe place to turn to for rest and shelter and freedom from those things that haunt us. It grieves me to have had to run from places that should be a haven for me in order to escape danger. While it has at times seemed to me that God is just as dangerous as everyone else, He still stands by me when everyone else looks away and while I may lose Him for a time He always gets through to me.

Here is what I wrote Oct 28th. Preface - it appears all is set up. I go to the shelter tomorrow. Since I cannot feel safe in my own home I need to find another place to be. I'm now wondering if waiting until tomorrow is wise. They were ready for us tonight. I am hurting so bad over so many events in my life. I don't want to die,  but I want to make the pain stop. I need to be free from these fears or I won’t be able to make it. This is the best life for me right now. I know it.
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Now I have come to the shelter with 34 other women (2 new ones just came today- Nov 3rd) and 29 children! We are all looking for hope. I know that while the only choice left for me was to come to this shelter, it is not my true hope. God will use this place, these ladies, even the other women to grow me, stretch me, teach me, change me...I also hope He will use me to teach those around me that my hope isn't in the support groups and the workers and the programs. It is in the God who came here with me, who will take anything and everything and use it to draw people to Him. I hope people will see a difference in me. Maybe this place won't just be good for me...maybe I can be good for it too. May God be glorified through my pain.

Family

"If we really believe that God has reserved people for himself from every tribe, language, people and nation and has commissioned us to go and look for them, then they aren't just some people out there, they are kinfolk that are lost. But the Father has set his love on them and has allowed us the privilege of being in on the search and rescue mission. So, to make Christ's kingdom visible we who already trust Christ must show up, believing that we have lost relatives all over the world." Tim Barton, Sr

Today is Mother's Day. My youngest child is sick and so am I. I was saddened to see her sad. Then she seemed to bounce back fairly quick and I feel even worse then earlier! Maybe she's better because I was able to use my "mommy superpower" to make her better. You know the one - when you can kiss or snuggle with a kid and it seems to make everything better! After laying in bed with me for 30 minutes she seemed to perk up and get close to her normal self again, though periodically through the day she would fuss again.

I thought about family, how we all want them to be there for us in good times and bad. How we can be sad when they are gone. How we can feel lost even when they are in the same room with us. Mother's Day and other holidays remind us that we are human. Things don't always go the way we hope. Since the fall we are constantly bombarded by disappointments from others and ourselves. Life can be overwhelmingly difficult at times. It can be frustrating. We must keep in mind what we are here on this earth for. As I laid in bed I thought of my future when this world is over. As a Christian, no matter what happens on earth I can focus on the joy that awaits - the end of illness, suffering, disappointments, sin, shame, tears, etc. It can often be frustrating waiting for that time to come!

Then I was reminded of this quote from the presbyterian church of america's 50 days of prayer guide. This particular quote came from Tim Barton, Sr - a pastor in Utah. It is easy to get caught up in our lives and the struggles we are going through. It can be hard enough going through each day living how we believe God wants us to when we are facing difficult circumstances. We can forget about those around us who aren't just struggling, but haven't yet learned of God's forgiveness and love. Our family isn't just those in the home we were raised with and those we live with now. Somehow, we need to take the time to go out where we are and find our long lost family members and bring them home. Sometimes we'll be called to leave our current city and travel to another part of the world to share what we know, to love the stranger, the fatherless, the widow, the sick...If our kids or loved ones are sick we long to help them. We want to ease their suffering. We will try many different remedies to help them. Family is more then flesh and blood. Some of us know what it is like to belong in a family because we were treated with the concern and love that God designed families for. Others of us only know what a family should be like because we know what a family should not be like.

There are people out there, lost and hurting - confused and sick - blind and dying. They are a part of the family. We must look past our shortcomings and successes and go look for the lost sheep like the shepherd. We are called to help others, to love others, to be Jesus to them even if it hurts...

(Edited: A few months after this post I spent 4 months in a domestic violence shelter. My definition of family has gotten smaller and broader at the same time.)

Yikes....

....

I keep running out of time to come back and add to other posts - and make new ones.
I've got to get better on that - just so there isn't another unfinished task hanging over my head...I know I don't have many readers so at least no one is really seeing my inability to come here often!

I have so many thoughts and entries I could write I'm know not sure which to post first when I do have time...but for now - sleepytime. The thoughtful posts will have to wait. I haven't forgotten - just sidetracked!

A Call to Kindness...

Be the living expression of God's kindness: kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile. Mother Teresa


We know the reputation of Mother Teresa was one of love, kindness and graciousness to those around her. It is definitely a worthy goal to strive for.

How can we even hope to get there?
We know we can't achieve perfection. In countless ways, every day, we fail to measure up to God's standard of perfection. God's kindness in creating us, sustaining us and redeeming us from our failures are undeserved. Yet He still desires us and He calls us to follow Him.

We know it goes so far beyond kindness, but for us it is a good starting place to dealing with our selfish and prideful attitudes. God is working to transform us and our hearts are the battlegrounds.

Every day, in all our relationships, we are called to demonstrate to others the kindness God wants us to show them. NOT because we want something from them or because we think they like us or they've proved to be worthy of our response - but because they too were created by God and it is OUR responsibility to live bringing honor to God in a way that stirs something beautiful in those relationships.

Speaking kindly - even to those who have hurt you, even those who are hurting you now - is one of God's tool to break the hearts of stone and call them to greater understanding of their own need for companionship (with God ultimately) but also the need for true friends while we live here and now. Relationships can be a tricky and painful mess. There is much damage that can be done, much confusion, sadness and doubt. Yet when God is in the relationship there begins to be a small reflection of what heaven must be like. There is a deep bond created between people who can be loving and kind at all times - even when they need to confront each other on an issue. Dignity and worth are still maintained...a deep trust the other person still has your best interest at heart grows and flourishes and love becomes more powerful then any hurts or failures. You know true love when you are able to feel it even in the moments you are being challenged by a friend. All that grows out of a godly kindness.

True kindness is apparent - you can see it in the person's face, eyes and smile. You know when they are being genuine and you can't help but be affected by it. Harsh words tear down a relationship. They are like a poison that slowly kills from within. Kind words and deeds rebuild and heal many wounds. Our kindness to others can only be a small reflection of God's kindness to us. Each moment we have a choice. God created us to be in a relationship with Him and with the humans around us. To live and work as a community of people we need to get to know each other on a level that we can understand their needs and desires. We encourage one another, help each other in difficult times, protect each other and persevere together. In doing so we learn more about God, each other and ourselves then we can any other way.

We can never repay the debt He freed us from. Yet each day we can do our best to point others towards Him so they too can know the freedom from despair over the mess our lives are. This takes going through each moment of our day with a purpose in mind: letting our actions and speech reflect God's kindness - HOW can we build each other up - EVEN in those moments when we see someone doing things differently then we want or think they should do? HOW can we encourage them when they are weary, strengthen them when they are weak or confused and help protect them from the enemy's attacks when we are shaking our heads in disgust at the ways we see them messing up. God's kindness (which when full-blown grows to compassion. mercy and grace) comes to the person in their need and kindly says, "I am here to grieve with you as long as it takes, give you what you need even when I disagree, love you even when it hurts me --- all because God would have me do nothing less."

Yes, we are still in a battle. We fail all the time, every day. We hurt people without thinking - sometimes without realizing it. We know until our life ends we won't always triumph...and it can be discouraging until we remember we are freed from needing to strive for perfection. All we need to remember is God never gives up on us - He gives grace to us when we mess up and gives us grace to extend to others when they mess up. So we move on ---looking for opportunities to bear one another's burdens, speaking kindly to all, looking upon the outcast with love, and smiling, knowing we have a power within us that can break all the shackles that are seeking to paralyze us. One kind word is all it takes to save a person's life who could be standing on the brink of eternal destruction. We've all been there at one time or another. God has given us enormous capability to bring His life-changing kindness to a lost, hurting world. When we stay focused on Him we are better equipped to communicate God's kindness in a believable, even tangible way. Pray God will bring more awareness of the attitudes in your heart that keep you from living kindness in your relationships. God promises when we seek Him with all our heart we will find Him!!

Dreams - Renewed in God

Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born. (Pastor) Dale E. Turner

Are dreams renewable?
Do we really believe that?

I think we'd all agree dreams are important to us. Dreams can get us through terrible ordeals. Dreams seem bigger then ourselves and our limitations. All of us have dreams. They are given to us for a reason. I'm not talking about all dreams - not the strange nonsense ones that sometimes come when sleeping. Yet some dreams while sleeping and dreams/goals/visions conceived while awake are placed on our hearts by God. What we do with them and how we view them are important.

Do dreams define who we are?
No, but the pursuit of them can define us. We can set good dreams but pursue them in unhealthy ways. We may achieve what we want but in the process leave behind hurting people who will have to pick up the pieces trying to understand what went wrong. A caring person looks at their dreams - and the dreams of those around them - and tries to make progress on their dreams without crashing other's dreams, and even at times tries to find a way to motivate others along the realization of their dreams -either by stopping progress of their dreams to help another or trying to juggle both at the same time.

Do we put our hope in our dreams?
NO! Dreams are a stepping stone to something greater - either a new/improved relationship, awareness of self-discovery, contribution to society, etc. Realizing dreams does result in some type of new beauty. Something has changed in a positive way - there is a triumph that is recognizable. Yet neither the pursuit nor the dream is something we should hope in. We can pursue our dreams in a healthy, Biblical manner and still not see them realized. We can know our dreams are appropriate Christian desires and find others trample over them. We can achieve some of our dreams and be more deeply affected by sadness that it wasn't really what we were looking for. It didn't fit the need we were so sure it would. Because dreams often become idols of being puffed up in ourselves - not achieving a goal in order to praise God that He allowed us all the necessary pieces to go after it and succeed. The hope isn't the dream or the pursuit of the dream. It's the One who gave us the dream.

It is really only in that context that dreams can be renewable. Dreams are often crushed by outside forces: illnesses, finances, people. Illnesses and finances are very real struggles that can make us question why. Yet when others have let us down the pain can be unbearable. All of these things bring the temptation to let dreams die. If everything seems against us --dreams feel like a chain weighing us down - saying here I am just out of your reach...what are you going to do about it??

We realize that sometimes just because a dream is a good dream isn't one we need to spend time fighting for. We decide another dream is more important to follow. Sometimes we regroup and attack the same dream - and succeed! We can say dreams teach us about the human spirit - and there is truth in that because dreams exist to teach us about ourselves...Ultimately what we have to learn about ourselves is that God is the One who leads us, grows us and sustains us. Apart from Him all our dreams would fail whether we acknowledge it or not and our lives would collapse in shambles.

At the current moment my dreams are in the re-evaluating phase. Renewing...What is going to be important to me? How am I going to go forward? I don't know what my dreams are going to look like. I don't know who will help me realize them. I know who holds my dreams. I know who holds me in those moments I feel hopeless. He is taking my broken dreams and reshaping them into something I've yet to comprehend. Something I can't see. Though the result is not yet realized I know His love is not holding back. He gives us dreams, so we can see what He is going to do. One day - we'll be amazed at what He made. The pain we knew will be a distant shadow - The dreams that went unrealized will be forgotten. The presence of dreams fulfilled will shine brilliantly and beautifully in the light of the Son - an everlasting testimony of grace and mercy.

Proverbs

I should take the time to go hunt down the handout from the Sunday School class on Proverbs so if anyone stumbles onto this post (which seems unlikely with no one knowing about my blog) they can benefit from the excellent teaching on the books of the Bible we're going through at church.

Maybe I'll do that later on this week when it's not already late and I'm tired...

Quote for the day:

A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance. Proverbs 15:13

I've often heard the "fake it until you make it" quote from people who know that it is hard to act happy when you aren't but in time acting like you are happy can make you happy. This Bible verse is actually talking about the opposite. It is talking about a person who is already living with the joy God brings into lives...When the heart is joyful it spills out of the person. You can't really hide deep joy. People can be happy and have it not be noticeable at times...but joy - that is a much deeper state of being. Filled with contentment, filled with appreciation for blessings, filled with admiration of beauty, filled with love of others...these things can't be hidden. The persons face will show a true delight in the situations and environments they are in.

People love to be around those people!!

I felt yukky this weekend and didn't sleep well so I'm getting tired...I'm going to finish adding to this post tomorrow...

A late Easter Poem

Splinters by PumpkinsMomma April 11th, 2010 (just finished writing it!)

She sinks to the floor with tears in her eyes
A splinter of pain pierces her heart
While the demons inside rip her apart
She waits for her inevitable demise

Is there anyone who'll search for her?
Will anyone love the unworthy one?
Is there anyone who'll save her?
Or will she become undone?

Time passes on and the splinter recedes
She's knows it's still there
Yet it less freely bleeds
A glimmer of hope grows in the air.

New strength carries her through a new day
Until under darkness the thief takes it away.
Fresh splinters prick her skin
Working their way ever deeper within

With relentless precision they damage every good place
Until the only survivor is utter disgrace.

Is there anyone who'll reach out to her?
Will anyone love the repulsive one?
Is there anyone who'll comfort her?
Or will she stay undone?

As the nail's driven in a splinter is formed
Tears for her suffering fall to the earth
From death comes rebirth -
a woman transformed
a woman of worth

Her body is frail and her wounds are still present
Yet when her splinters attack she is not shaken
Freed from the effects of unyielding torment
She is never forsaken

Out of His love flows her strength and power
She was saved from her dark hour

Tears and blood for her suffering fall to the earth
From death comes rebirth -
a woman transformed
a woman of worth

Her body is frail and her wounds are still present
Yet when her splinters attack she is not shaken
Freed from the effects of unyielding torment
She is never forsaken

Out of His love flows her strength and power
She was saved from her dark hour

Time passes on and the splinters recede
She's knows they're still there
Yet they less freely bleed
Love echoes grace into the air --

You're no longer undone
You're my beautiful one.

Busy! Quick Entry....

So, I've written a lot of things in my journal but haven't had time to post them yet. I will back date them when I do just in case you wonder when I originally wrote them :)

In the meantime I will post this poem I wrote on the 23rd - as I was continuing to contemplate my post from March 20th. Here it is....

Power - March 23rd, 2010


What events that lie behind us do not last
Their power has diminished
For the past has passed

What events that lie before us are not yet sure
Their existence is fragile
Only what occurs is of the future

Power lies in this current day
As each moment presents a choice
Crying out in a loud voice
Desperate to steal your life away.

Cling to the cross for your power
Truth breaks the chains that strip you bare
Freedom can be found in your dark hour
When on your knees you fall in prayer.

by PumpkinsMomma

Impossible Part 2

Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.
Francis of Assissi

More to come soon......

Impossible

The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible.

Arthur C. Clarke

Today's questions: Does truth exist apart from Christianity - meaning do we own the market on truth? Is there really such a thing as the secular world? Don't we all have areas of our life we try to keep God from? When it comes to the worlds assumptions and views of life somehow our faith still comes into play. We may temporarily adopt views of the world that are not Biblical. We often know when something doesn't seem right, we just don't have the answer as to what it could be. Somehow our faith is still there - working it out - trying to wrestle with it. Sometimes we try to ignore the answer when we realize it probably isn't what we want to hear. But God says we all have the truth made known to us.

All of us humans were created in His image. In some way we reflect a part of Him. So no, we don't have to be a Christian to be able to recognize and speak truth, even if we don't recognize it as HIS truth. Think about this quote above. Arthur Clarke is famous for his sci fi stories. Most sci fi writers aren't known for great faith. Wikipedia attributes his view on religion (ANY religion) as not favorable.

Yet his quote is true (mostly - not sure if I would say only). We push our bodies and minds to the limits - and once we achieve them we realize what we thought was impossible was not. Technology and other modern inventions, scientific breakthroughs, human feats of extreme endurance...all these things happen because someone somewhere thought something was impossible and decided to try anyways. We know from countless stories from others - and some of our own lives too - that even failure doesn't mean something is impossible. Failure turns to triumph through perseverance.

Matthew 19:24-26

And again I say unto you, It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.

When his disciples heard it, they were exceedingly amazed, saying, Who then can be saved?

But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible.

Truth can come from unlikely places. God designed us to show it to each other. We need to take the time to evaluate what we see and hear so we can recognize the truth. And when we see truth we should take it to heart and rejoice in it. God gave us a desire to continually grow and learn and have truth revealed to us in new ways. One of those ways is by attempting the impossible and overcoming it. We should be careful to realize that He is the one who gave us those desires and grants us the successes or not. Though we are able to learn and attempt new things, they do not come ultimately from us.

Break....

Taking a break for a couple days. Just need some time to pray about specific situations instead of spending time blogging about quotes. Back soon.

Power

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

This quote is a classic reminder to the Christian that GOD is the one who accomplishes all things. It is somewhat a mystery. God loves us despite us being selfish, unworthy people. God saves us so we will be with Him forever. While we wait for that day, God brings us through life in such a way that we are constantly making choices for or against Him. Those choices affect our day to day life.

The past does have influence over us - power to hurt and power to keep us locked up in prisons...but not really. We get stuck there because we overlook the truth. We don't see or believe or focus on the fact that WE choose to dwell on things that have hurt. There is a FINE line between dealing with pain from past events without unhealthily (is that a word?) crossing over into nursing grudges, pity parties and other unforgiving behavior. Getting stuck in WHY did this happen only prolongs the pain and makes it grow

The future also has influence over us - yet in theory if anything was going to have power over us the future should have much less power then the past. These are things that haven't happened yet. (So why are we worrying about it?) One of my closest non-Christian friends in college stated it this way - It all comes to a lack of trust that whatever is out there providing good things for us will run out of good things to provide - or that we will fall out of favor so not deserve those good things anymore. We are a skeptical people! That's just those who've had fairly good experiences in life...Then think of those who have had an overwhelming amount of negative past experiences - to them the future seems bleak and hopeless - filled with doubt that there will ever be positive events and relationships that could heal the wounds, meet needs and provide any amount of security. None of us are immune to doubt or worry. Fear takes hold and grows and changes the way people relate to each other. The ability to easily trust is cast aside because we are so certain the future will be filled with hurt and pain that we can't see how we should respond or are so paralyzed we can't motivate ourselves to accomplish it.

That is where the power within can break through.


If pain and fear were people they would be twins, both apprearing with a towering, muscular physique. They dwarf everything around him. Their strength and power is harmful and frightening. A scowl on their face lets you know there is no mercy to be found.

How do we escape their grasp?

We are called to move forward - keeping our eyes on Jesus - not always looking behind at the events that have transpired or dwelling on uncertain things of the future. Such a perspective seems impossible to do.

Both the past and the future are tiny matters when viewed with the knowledge that God holds all things in his hands. He shaped us lovingly. He keeps death from us as long as he wishes. He provides blessings for us. And when those rough times come He is still there for us and still loves us and continues working in our lives. When we look to Him the giants become smaller. We are better able to relate to each other in positive ways. We can more easily forgive others when they have hurt us. Life is less scary when we don't allow those things to weigh us down. When we feel pain or fear creep up and realize we are looking ahead or behind we need to stop and reorient ourselves to looking up to God. When we ask for His help getting through the rough times His power and strength is able to work through us the things we wouldn't normally be able to do on our own. The knowledge of His power is a comforting thing.

Influences

Life is full of people who will make you laugh, cry, smile until your face hurts, and so happy that you think you'll burst. But the ones who leave their footprints on your soul are the ones who keep your life going.
Natalie Bernot

Google only came up with pages and pages of quotes by this lady with no mention of information about her...the other references were to a high school athlete. So no background here to help me understand this lady's life. But with this quote the context probably doesn't matte all that much....

This quote really strikes me. It sends me back down memory lane - thinking of those times in my life when I'm genuinely laughed or smiled until my face hurt (those times are few and far between - usually just faint glimmers of hope in a sea of pain and difficulty. There is an exception of a couple ladies who have had this gift of being able to always relate to me in the way I needed at any given moment. It was truly amazing to experience that and I hope I will again in the future.)

I can definitely recall countless people who've brought tears to my eyes and times when I've thought those tears would never stop and I'd drown in them.

There have been those hopeful moments like graduation, marriage and my children's birth when I could literally feel my heart swell with joy.

I am sure we all could look back and see the peaks and valleys, highs and lows, triumphs and struggles. Our experiences are filled with love and hate, joy and loss, trust and fear. Those struggles are affected by the people in our lives, both uplifting influences and detrimental at times. People come and go in our lives like actors on a stage. We see them for a time and then they are gone. Sometimes they reappear, sometimes they are lost forever. Moving around from place to place - changes for various reasons. It is sad to see some strong friendships fade due to time and distance - even more so if sad circumstances pull friends apart. Regardless of the reason, letting go of something special is hard to do when it's meant so much to us. We want to hold on and cling to not just the memories, but the people.

Because we know to the core of our soul that we need companionship. We need love and hope and acceptance. We need those kind words when the walls are caving in and we are struggling to breathe. We need to know when we mess up we are still loved and not alone.

I have been blessed to have known a few people in my life who have left their footprints on me. One unlikely person taught me at a young age that anyone can be that person in your life. A couple others have reinforced many of the things that man taught me. In my life, the ones who left a mark where the ones that not only said but acted in a way to dispel any doubt that I am ok just the way I am...there is nothing that could make them not love me. They supported me with kindness and gentleness when I was afraid. They sometimes firmly but tenderly pushed a little when I needed it...all while still communicating unconditional love and confident patience that in times of conflict I would eventually reach that better place we hoped for. Those are the ones that didn't just make me feel like I was a better person, they made me BE a better person. In the moments when doubt was seeking total control, fear was overwhelming and pain was closer than my shadow, they communicated the very heart of God Himself to me and helped give me more courage, strength and will to fight.

We could surely make a difference in many lives dealing with all the pain going on in the world if we committed ourselves to do the hard and unselfish things - even when it hurts us. A willingness to die to self out of love for another who's struggling, hurting, crying out is the heart of what God did for us - the heart of what He wants us to do for others. We come in contact with many hurting people each day. May we all open our eyes to those around us and put aside our desires to be the one in their lives to leave a footprint on their soul.

Freedom

When we move as God's hand guides us, safely under His wings, we will soar to new places and heights.

Sheryl Lynn Hill

(I discovered she is an author of a book celebrating the relationship between a mother and daughter and is currently working on another book.)

How else can it be stated but that trusting in God is an exercise of faith. There are countless times and ways God blesses His people. Is it dependent on our actions and trust in Him? Nope. In some ways that is a comfort - we don't have to DO things to earn blessings from Him...Yet it can also be a source of frustration - at times we may wonder if He REALLY loves us then why did the thing we most not want to happen still occur? Life is a journey - a roller coaster of ups and downs. We can't figure out the mind of God - why He decides to provide what we desire OR why He decides not to.

I'm sure I'm not alone in having times when I think I know what He wants from me but I don't understand WHY. Is it true that if we follow His guidance we are safe? Exactly what type of safety?

The quick answer to this is in some way when we follow God we are safe from discipline and from some types of pain. But not in all ways across the board. We live in a world of sin and are affected by others actions, not just our own. We may do everything right in a situation but due to others can be deeply wounded...and sometimes even be in a position of insecurity. Yet as God's children we do have a promise of future safety. Jesus lived a perfect life out of love and obedience to the Father. He endured great pain, shame (in the eyes of others) and felt the separation / alienation of the most important relationship to Him. His safety was taken away from HIM - so that WE can be forgiven our sins, be restored to companionship and grasp assurance of eternal safety. Do we always feel safe? Nope...Does it change the fact that God is powerful and as I said before holds onto us even when we can't hold onto Him? Nope. Nothing gets in His way!

So......How do we view the minor things / the major things that happen each day? The strong feelings they stir in us?

Yes, there is a real sense in when we are truly trusting in God - that those minor and major events don't harm us as much. There is a protection around us. Like the Psalmist says - Thou O Lord are a shield about me, you're my glory, the lifter of my head.

HE gets us through the rough days. He gives us courage and strength to keep going. Knowing that God loves us enough to move us beyond our fears, pain and confusion does show us new discoveries about ourselves, about others, about Him...We do reach new heights and places.


Sheryl's reference to wings and soaring in the quote reminds me of the Bible passage in Isaiah (Ch 40:30-31) Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

We all have times we are discouraged, tired, even about to give up. God presence is a comfort in those times. We wait for Him to guide us. We speak when we need to, be silent when we need to, stop or move when we need to. Is it always going to happen that we feel safe or know what we should do? No - sometimes there is so much in the way it's hard to discern truth. Is it still there? Yes. Eventually if we keep looking and waiting - We'll find it. Waiting is hard - but the blessings that come from it teach us, grow us and indeed give us strength. Imagine such a trust and faith and hope that all trouble seem to fade away - they become so light that you can fly and leave them behind! It is a beautiful picture of freedom....one that we only know in part here, but one day will know the full effect of what we've been granted. It's almost exciting enough to make it hard to wait :) - I BET it will be worth it!

(Back later to edit)

Simplicity is Rarely Achievable

While our hearts are pure, our lives are happy and our peace is sure.
William Winter

I'm totally drawing a blank on thoughts for this one. I googled this guy and don't know who he is - he could be a 16th century naval officer, 20th century writer or currently living lawyer or football player.

So in trying to guess the intent of his thoughts he seems to be saying that if we are without sin we will be happy and peaceful. Maybe I'm currently too pessimistic but that doesn't seem possible for more then a few minutes to hours (to be pure - not the happy peaceful part). Seriously, I can't get through one day without sinning in thought word or deed. I assume I'm not the only one.

Can we be happy and peaceful when we aren't pure? Well, that's an interesting spiritual struggle. God has saved us from our sins so I think it is possible to be relieved that we won't have eternal consequences for our bad decisions and to experience some level of peace and even happiness. Yet as His children we should also be discontent to continue in inappropriate behavior, so we should still feel dissatisfaction with our sin when we know we aren't pure of heart.

What about when our hearts are pure in a circumstance and others have been the ones to hurt us - can we still be happy and peaceful? (Thinking of Job in the Bible and other experiences friends and I have been through) I think it IS possible, though it's very hard. It takes a lot of work to maintain an attitude of peace and happiness during difficulties. When others let us down or treat us in ways we believe God doesn't want us to be treated there is a tension between how to view the events and how to respond (whether to be silent or not).

So in general I'm not too fond of this guys quote. We should be striving to have a pure heart. We should be asking God to give us peace and happiness but it isn't as simple as this guy makes it out to be...and it sorta seems like trying to work ourselves to the security that only God grants - and that security doesn't depend on whether we are pure or not. If that was the case none of us would EVER know happiness or peace. Anyone else have thoughts on this quote?

Calm me, O Lord, as You stilled the storm.
Still me, O Lord, keep me from harm.
Let all the tumult within me cease.
Enfold me, Lord in Your peace. Celtic Traditional

Wow - this is a timely quote! I am sure not just for me either. I know not many people are reading my posts - but if there were I bet we could list all the struggles everyone goes through at some time in their life and may be going through right now! (relationship issues with extended family, spouses, friends, co-workers, kids; finance issues like jobs, debt, medical bills; kid issues like their health, schooling, spiritual life; health issues we face or close family of friends; tensions in community groups like sport clubs, homeschool / PTA groups, churches, neighborhood watch and the list could go on. That doesn't even include each individiuals personal struggles with faith, sin and how to just get through monotonous days/ emotional days, etc.)

So many things cause stress, upset emotions and worries or fears. We are ALL tempted to look to those people and things that mean a lot to us to be a comfort and a rock in hard times. My favorite example of a strong, dependable one - and yet still gentle - is Samwise Gamgee in the LOTR trilogy. But in real life no one is so noble. Everyone lets us down. And it HURTS. It can take a wonderful day and ruin it. It can take a bad day and make it unbearable. Everything gets all jumbled up when we don't understand others actions. God created us to be relational. Because of sin ALL our relationships with others will be difficult and painful at times. The wounds from those encounters can run deep and shake us to the core at times. Yet while those relationships are fractured, our relationship with God was perfectly restored through Jesus. He IS always there and dependable with an unrelenting love - that completely touches our hearts where it needs to be.

How I wish I could crawl up on God's lap right now and cry while He holds me. How I've longed for a safe place during my life. Even when we don't feel it, when we can't see through our tears to cling to God - He is clinging to us. His power can calm us, protect us and reach through the hurt, the fears, the worries and bring us peace that somehow, someway, it will be ok. And one day - a day of indescribable joy - we'll meet Him

And the pain we've endured will fade away. We'll know peace and comfort and love for eternity! I can't even imagine what it will be like when our limited understanding of the peace of God turns into a greater knowledge and experience of His peace. It almost is enough to make one completely forget the current trials pressing in on all sides! Maybe it's time to go sit and think a little more about the joy that awaits ME in the future!

Happy Trails (and sometimes not so happy)

Do not go where the path may lead; go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Ralph Waldo Emerson...


This quote brings several thoughts to my mind immediately:

1 - trail - trial - same letters - different order
2 - The Bible verse mentioning broad is the way that leads to destruction - enter the narrow gate...
3 - The danger of doing your own thing without guidance in being prepared....

I'll try to tackle these in this post unless it gets too long. I won't be able to write this in my journal because I took the page to write the 2 prayers on that page I listed in the first 2 posts.

1. I heard it pointed out somewhere before that trail and trial have the same letters just in a different order. In viewing any trial we may go through as a trail to something different it can help encourage us to keep a different perspective / mindset in order...instead of only focusing on the present difficulties we will be considering the potential results. This could help us weigh more carefully how our actions, thoughts and attitudes behind them can influence the outcome.

2 - Matthew 7:13-14 says that broad is the way that leads to destruction and narrow is the way that leads to life and few are those that find it. It is important to not just follow the crowd becase most of them will not be pursuing God's design. To be on the narrow does mean to be in a smaller group of people off the main path.

3 - But I was a bit surprised to find this quote in the journal because in Biblical terms I disagree with Mr Emerson - straying off a path is generally not the safest route and can lead to ending up where God doesn't want us to go just as well as staying on the broad way. The Bible states there are 2 courses - the broad way and the narrow way - most likely if you leave the path you will still be on the broad way (just with less people and comforts) and have a more difficult time finding the narrow way . You don't just walk off the path and find the narrow way. You do have to be prepared and be looking for it to enter at the narrow gate. It is protected and maintained and still visible. His encouragement to not blindly follow one direction is appropriate. It is a choice which way to go...and at that point following the narrow way brings blessings and a safety that the other way can't - even when we are going through trials on our trail!

We aren't called to start our own trail - but to look for the one God wants us to follow. The trail has been followed by others before us and will be followed again by people after us. A comforting thing while following a trail going through a land is that we know we aren't alone. The smaller path gives an even more intimate connection to those who are on it and to the one who maintains the trail. We are even forced to go slower, look around and observe everything around us. We become more focused and grounded. This opportunity for a closer community and deeper reflection keeps us understanding what things are important and brings more life to us and those around us.

Maybe I'll have some more thoughts on trails after I go trail running soon. I recently bought some special trail shoes and want to go with a friend to run some local trails. It's supposed to be more intense but calming then traditional running on the road! That's all for now!

Yesterday's Prayer

(Not just yesterday's prayer - I just wrote it in the journal yesterday. It is a good summary of all the hopes I pray from God when I can find the words and courage to pray them.)

God, heal my hurts - those wounds that go deep. The things that keep me from giving to others, letting them into my life and coming alongside me. Take away those fears that want to control me and keep me in chains. Lift up my soul in joy for the gifts you've blessed me with. Provide the courage I need.

Thoughts on Life - (About This blog)

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart. Helen Keller

---------------------------------
Life at times is challenging -
Difficult even.

Sometimes the good moments aren't enough to bring a desire to push through the bad moments. So what happens at that point? Many people turn to other things they possess to try and be happy (some good, some bad and some depending on what you do with it) or some people turn to other people to make them feel good about themselves. Some people just give up. There have been moments in my life I've been stuck in all those places temporarily. Along most of my journey through life I've turned to my faith in God during difficult times - of which there have been many - and have wrestled with some deep issues.

Yet, sometimes - even my faith doesn't seem to be enough. So I struggle through trying to understand why the trials come, what happened that made me deserve trials and how to get out of them (preferably the quickest way)...BUT God has taught me that sometimes the quickest way isn't the best way out.

(Because my journey isn't about me.)

Many good character traits are developed when the journey drags ON and ON for what seems like forever. Every bad thing in our lives can produce beautiful results if we let them. We aren't isolated individuals that go about our days not affecting others. For one thing that should encourage us to help others along. It should also caution us to be careful how we treat each other. We have a lot of power to harm or heal hurting people.

The journey is about going through life in a messed up world and trusting that God is directing our steps - somehow always knowing how much we can handle - protecting us even when we are doubting His existence, His understanding of our pain and His capability to help us.

This blog is a reminder to me (and maybe you too?) to turn my attention upwards and let His love guide me through, over and around all the obstacles that make life difficult.

In my most recent trial (that has been going on for years) I came to a point of desperation. In January I wrote this prayer to God:

O God, I am a broken, worthless, useless, unloved person. I don't know where to begin. Help me to know and understand and accept (not just accept but embrace) the path you have for me.

I was too overwhelmed to be able to write anything else. I love poetry and often write when I am discouraged. Recently when I sit down to write I can't seem to find words strong enough to encompass the emotions and fears I've been facing.

Yet my thoughts have wondered down a lot of paths...so I bought a journal from a local Christian bookstore and I realized the uplifting quotes and Bible verses written on the pages could be my inspiration. I will write on them. Take the quote at the beginning of this post. It stirred something in me as soon as I read it and I knew out of all the journals it would be leaving the store with me.

Because Helen Keller was blind I understand her quote is deeper then just outward appearances and experiences of things. It is all about the inside - the journey - both the trials and triumphs - and how they touch our hearts.

At this time I don't plan to post any personal struggles involving people I know out there for the whole world to see...My goal here is to write about how the heart views and experiences faith and hope. In reading, reflecting and writing on quotes from famous people and Bible verses maybe I - and some of you out there - may think through difficulties differently...

More hopeful -
resulting in less imprisonment by the pain we know and develop an ability to make the world around us brighter with our influence.