My only son turns 10 today. It's a big deal to graduate to double digits! It doesn't seem like that much time has gone by. Many things have happened in that time frame some of which are moving from one continent to another, received home health care, lived in a shelter, been homeless, become a single parent, stopped homeschooling to go back in the work force, started taking online classes, sought ways to help others, changed churches, bought my first house and am learning how to survive on less then I made as a new college graduate. My days are constantly challenging and exhausting.
My children are a bright spot in my life. Yet sadly sometimes that bright spot doesn't shine enough to lessen the darkness of events that occur. Today I felt prompted to go back to a location that pulls at me in dark times. A little less then 3 years ago I hiked up the mountain and almost didn't make it home. In 2003 there had been a terrible fire on the mountain top that burned down the homes, businesses and much of the forest. Sitting on the edge of a cliff I saw death everywhere. Charred trees still standing and some toppled despite strong trunks and roots. Brown grass and rock hard soil surrounded me. There were no signs of life. I could look across the chasm and see the trees unscathed on the other side. The distance between the lively forest and the dead forest mirrored the chasm between life and death, safety and terror, happiness and pain in my own life. I felt at home there, because I felt dead inside. There seemed no way that God could possibly revive me. There on the mountain I called a person I trusted and they talked me through the emotions, fears and doubts pulling at me until I felt ready to face life and the suffering that waited at the bottom of the mountain.
I have gone through so much in the past 3 years. Many of it has been one traumatic event after another. Most of it I've faced alone, despite reaching out and asking for help from individuals and communities. The pain of asking for help and being turned away compounds the struggles a person is in. When I'm confident that God is present and cares about my suffering, I know he's grieved at those people who have let me down in my greatest time of need. When I think of how the injustices I've suffered impact my children I feel discouraged and sometimes angry. Sometimes I think God is angry too and that he will fight for me. Sometimes the darkness pulls me away from God and I doubt his love and care. After all, how can he care about me when he allows others to fail me time and again?
I always have this hope that God will see I've suffered enough and give me a break. It would be great to have a timespan where I don't struggle so much and can spend my energy helping others instead of fighting against injustice every day. One time I'd love to find someone to share my life with who will build me up and not tear me down. I don't know if this will happen. When I'm feeling lost and sad being in high places make me feel closer to God. I think it's because I feel so small and insignificant that I worry he can't see me down here. So I climb to high places where I feel more exposed and hope he can't help but notice me and come near. The desert can be beautiful despite the heat and loneliness it reminds me off. After being hurt recently by a trusted confidant I felt an urge to go back to the mountain. (Probably not the best thing to do since I'd had an anaphylactic allergic response the Saturday before to some food I ate!) Still, I was drawn there irresistibly. Today was pleasant in the city and I knew the cool mountain air would give me a reprieve from the heat I feel wears me down at times. While I drove I couldn't help reflecting on the many times I'd driven the route and the past suffering I've faced. I've considered the future I want and wondered at the possibility of it ever happening.
As soon as I stepped on the trail the surroundings began to invigorate me. The sunny day, the blue sky, the sounds of wildlife, the cool breeze. I enjoyed the trail and stopped to take pictures of scenery - the sunlight filtering through the trees, moss growing in downed trees, tiny flowers poking up from the ground. This part of the trail wasn't touched by the fire. I reached the top of the hike and walked along the service road, noticing the charred trees lined up against the ridge as I approached my special thinking spot. When I left the road and climbed over the boulders hiding it from sight there was an unexpected sight awaiting me. I had been back to the site a few times in the past three years. Always when there were things I needed to reflect on and process. Each time it was dreary and dead. Today there was life everywhere. The ground was covered with green grass. Moss grew on the boulders. Patches of flowers in varying colors were so abundant I was afraid to walk for fear I might trample them! A new tree was growing, already at about 2 feet tall. I sat on the boulder and took in the beauty that was there. I heard the chirping bird that sounded right next to me, because it actually was. For a few minutes the bird sat next to me on the boulder, almost as if say God had sent it to tell me that I'm not alone. Butterflies flitted around me and rested on the flowers. The breeze seemed to whisper to me a lesson I don't often feel…It sang of a possibility that I don't dare to voice for myself.
My most frequent life lessons have been that I can't trust people, things won't turn out the way I dream and attempts to better my life will backfire and end in pain…But sometimes I have rare occasions where something good does happen - like our new house that seems perfectly suited to us. I don't know how long it will be before another one of those events will occur. It's hard to wait for it when each day is so challenging, but this day I felt God was giving me a message. The forest that had been destroyed has come back to life. It will never be exactly the same as it was before the fire. But it is growing. It can still be beautiful. It can be strong again. Is that possible for me? As the breeze surrounded me it reminded me the bond I have with that place. Hidden off the path is this place special place to me because I have identified with it's struggle with darkness and fire. I have felt burnt and trapped in places where death seemed imminent and there was no hope of survival. Yet somewhere along the way the grass poked through and flowers have bloomed. Can I grow too? Can I become strong and even be beautiful one day? I returned home a few hours later to celebrate my son's birthday. My life certainly hasn't turned out the way I'd hoped. My children have to struggle with injustice along with me. My momma heart doesn't want my kids to suffer. Yet maybe their suffering can produce something beautiful and lively in them as well….
My heart is still heavy. I still want to close myself off and protect myself from being hurt by others. Yet the mountain whispers to me that I should keep my eyes open to a future that may be brighter then what I feel. I am still sad. I am still lonely and tired and afraid. I still doubt that I will come to a point where life will be easier, more rewarding and happy. Yet my heart is telling me to not discount the possibility that I can live a full life. My desire has been to help others. I often feel that my struggles prevent me from helping others because I'm so busy doing damage control in the daily battles that continue long past what I have felt is necessary. Sometimes I barely can recognize any semblance of faith remaining. While I don't enjoy the pain from the traumas I've experienced and the hurts trusted people have caused me, I hope I never forget what the journey has been like. I may one day be able to help others. Knowing what it is like to be mistreated, abused, misunderstood and neglected is something that Jesus knows even more so then me. I seem to be in good company. I hope I can continue going through these difficulties in a way that doesn't dishonor him and at some point be able to help others along the journey as well.
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update - 8-28 - I do cherish my day on the mountain and the seed I have that change and growth can happen no matter how much time goes by. Yet an encouraging experience doesn't solve or end pain from suffering. I wanted to make that clear. I am still sad over events that have happened in the past week. It will take a long time before I'm not sad…So I don't want to give the impression that an event can or should solve all problems and pain. My deepest hurts have come out of relationships, especially those with trust at the core. These hurts are not easily fixed or brushed aside. Maybe my deepest joys will also come out of future relationships. If I was writer and director of my life I would not have chosen to experience all the trauma I've endured. I don't understand why I must go through so much to arrive at the end result that he desires for me. Sometimes I'm not even convinced that he's a good and loving God. What I now possess from my trip up the mountain is a tension between feeling God has given me a promise that one day things will be better and yet knowing I have to wait a while to get there, which means going through the pain and sadness between now and then!
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