I have 5 unfinished blog posts that were pressing on me when I started writing them. Other things squeezed out the time I would have devoted to them and I'm not sure if I will return to some of them, despite the importance of the topic! I find that life seems to move along with many responsibilities, many distractions and many goals that are more pressing then sitting down to write. This is sad, as it's always been a passion of mine.
In order to make time for it I am considering trying to schedule it into my day, which means something else will have to go! Hopefully once I'm back in the habit of writing regularly I will not need to schedule time for it, as I find that sitting to write at a specific time instead of when things are tumbling in my head usually means that the passion doesn't come through as well. Or the quality of my thoughts feel forced instead of natural trajectory of thoughts that was spurred on by an event.
If I had the time to write I would maybe blog about the loneliness and lack of connection I have with my family - who chose to not tell me for a whole month (!) that my sister had a massive heart attack, coded 5 times and is walking around with a defibrillator vest. Not only that they didn't tell me, but that they told my brother to NOT post about it on Facebook so I won't find out. Talk about feeling like an unvalued part of the family!
I haven't seen my family in around 6 years. I'd have to think back to exactly how long it's been because I've been through so much. They don't visit me, rarely contact me and yet I get lectured at how much time goes by since I'd last contacted them. Yet I get clear messages that I'm not an important factor in their life. I'm an afterthought. I wonder if that's the punishment I get for moving far away! I would visit if I could afford it, but it would remind me about how I'm not really a part of the family. I always feel like a guest....and that I don't belong.
My mom recently said she's going to stop sending me money each month. What she gave me was the part that made the difference in making all my bills. Now I'm going to be stuck not being able to cover all my expenses. She recently told me about an elective surgery she had and how happy she is at the results. Knowing these types of surgeries are not medically necessary AND expensive made me feel that my children and I are low on her priority list. From now on, things are going to be more difficult then they have been! So it will be even longer before I'm able to go home.
Yep, that's probably what I would write about. Trying to define who I am, and it seems being a part of a family doesn't appear to be it. But I've taken too much time already when I'm trying to finish 2 weeks of schoolwork in 2 days. I must sign off and get back to work.
Soon I will come here more often and get back to sharing my heart with people who want to listen. I wonder if I'm alone in feeling unconnected, pressed for time and busy with the normal things of life. I suspect many people feel similar sadness when thinking about their family. And I'm confident most of us feel we bounce around from one thing to the next while some of our dreams and desires are left undone. I hope to change that and make more time for more of what I enjoy!
No comments:
Post a Comment