What Exactly is Abuse? Part 3

This post is a continuation of the previous post, which you can find by clicking here. Again, I reiterate that when you add all the little things in with what most people label abuse you discover the weight of the oppression the victim lives with every day. 

1 - Aspect of Threats - This is another aspect that leads to intimidation and fear. Remember the previous examples of threats listed were to end the relationship, to hurt her or the children, to hurt pets or property, to report her for something. While it may only take the threat to keep a woman in life, usually this threats are more likely to work if previous threats have been carried out or physical violence has already happened. If a woman has been stripped of all her freedoms and feeling of value the threat of him walking out on her will make her want to stay and be the good little wife that he wants her to be. She knows that it will be difficult to make it on her own. Threatening to hurt the children is a powerful tool that can convince the woman to do almost anything to keep her kids from getting hurt. He will threaten to report her for things he has forced her to do (I'm thinking of men who have convinced their wives to do drugs with them or sleep with other people and so on.) These women don't want to do these things, but they don't want to be hurt. If they give in then the man has ammunition to use against them in court. Women don't really want to be hurt, yet they know that it will happen at some point. This tension is hard to stomach and the threats increase the tension and fear. 

In a healthy marriage partners do not threaten to hurt the other spouse or things that are important to them. Threatening if you don't get your way is childish behavior that demonstrates a lack of maturity and compassion for others. I already mentioned the man is called to nurture and protect his wife. Intentionally causing fear in a woman to try and get your own way goes against what God has designed our relationships for. 

2 - Aspect of Property Violence - Here when the man is angry at her he will break things like doors, punch walls, abuse pets, break souvenirs and other important mementos. This facet shows the woman that nothing around him is safe. It will increase her fears that if she's not careful she will be next. Sometimes this aspect continues after separation. He may destroy belongings she left behind or sell them. He may go over to her new residence and leave things for her or damage her property to send her a message that she's not safe at her new place either.

In a healthy marriage, a spouse wouldn't think of destroying property or special items belonging to the other person to get their way. While objects are not more important then people, they still serve many purposes, some sentimental. A caring spouse will want to carefully take care of the belongings of the other spouse to show that what is important for her is important to him as well.

3 - Aspect of Stalking - I previously mentioned using this aspect of spying on her, following her around, leaving gifts or tokens behind making it clear he doesn't trust her and feels she shouldn't have any freedom. This aspect is terrifying for the victim. Looking over your shoulder constantly leads to the fear that you can never be safe. Stalking often crosses over into physical violence, but not always. Some specific examples of this are staking out her work or home and following her when she leaves, bugging her phones, putting tracking devices on her car and putting spy software on the computer. These things often happen during separation. It's a good idea to check your phones, cars and computers to make sure that you aren't being watched all the time.

In a healthy relationship there is a degree of trust  that values both partners separate identities. A stalker can't bear the thought of being apart or the other party having freedom from them. They want control at all times. Good relationships can thrive by having separate interests, time apart and opportunity to be involved in another community of friends.

4 - Aspect of Emotional Abuse / Verbal Abuse- They are similar but not exactly interchangeable. Verbal abuse uses words to attack the woman, demeaning her, strip away her positive view of herself. The tactics are cursing, name-calling, accusing her and using past issues to hurt her and thereby control and manipulate her. We all want to be cared for by others. We want to be appreciated and liked. Verbal abuse tears down the victim and takes away respect due to the other person. The words continue ringing in the persons ears long after the sound has finished. The wounds linger in the mind and wear down the person's ability to see and accept the good parts of themselves.

Emotional abuse is a little bit different. It isn't enough to use words to control her. He will use words to control her emotions as well. It includes putting her down and name-calling but also includes playing mind games and withholding affection from her. I had a friend who would spend forever looking for her missing pair of car keys. He would laugh at her, call her stupid and tell her she didn't deserve to be in charge of anything - all the while knowing that he had actually taken her keys and hidden them. Then after she had looked long enough to his satisfaction he put them back in plain sight and make her question whether she was losing her mind. It is sad to 

This is counter to a healthy relationship where each person wants to build up the other person and honor their strengths. In a healthy relationship you won't be attacked for your weaknesses. A partner may lovingly try to help you gain some tools to help address the weakness, but he won't bully you into changing or belittling you for your struggle. A healthy person wants to encourage their partner, knowing that the way to growth is often through positive words that empower the person to overcome fears and struggles! The person who tears down another person is trying to elevate their importance by judging the other person as inferior to them. Many people have said, and I agree, that the verbal abuse is often more damaging then physical abuse. It degrades a persons worth, identity and purpose and is clearly opposite of the way God calls us to treat each other.

5 - Aspect of Religious Abuse - Here a man tries to maintain control and get what he wants by using scripture and other Christian language or doctrine. He will point out the passages on submission and use words like obey. He will tell her she always must give him sex when he wants it because her body is his. He mentions the Bible states men are the head of the household and use it for ungodly purposes. This aspect is extremely damaging to the women's personality and also her beliefs. It is hard to believe God truly cares about your pain when your spouse is using the Bible to justify abuse. Most abused women who are Christians have a severe crisis of faith.

In a loving and mutually supportive relationship each spouse will actually have times of submitting to the other. Healthy marriages have a team attitude and sometimes it is better when the man defers and sometime the best choice is for the woman to defer in an area. We must help women realize that the Bible is compassionate in it's commands. It doesn't give a man permission to belittle his wife if he isn't happy with her. Scripture is used to help guide us to live lives that honor God. A man who uses scripture for his selfish gains is bringing dishonor to God, himself and his family. Each spouse must put aside their desires and seek God's purpose in their lives and marriage.

6 - Aspect of Physical Abuse - This aspect has the most variance of activities, some which you might not even consider as abuse at first glance. Again, the list from Paul Hegstrom is: beating, biting, choking, grabbing, hitting, kicking, pinching, pulling hair, punching, pushing, scratching, restraining, shaking, shoving, twisting arms, slapping, excessive tickling, using weapons, spanking, smothering, tripping. Important things to realize here is that everyone has their own idea of what is and isn't abusive. Many abusers will rationalize certain behaviors as non-abusive. They may come up with a reason she deserved it or say, grabbing a woman isn't abusive. From this list you may be thinking the same thing of certain activities listed. A common one is restraining a person. "What's the harm in not letting someone go until I want to?" W hen you think about it from the aspect of controlling another person you can see that it's not good to prevent someone from leaving an area or situation because you don't want them too. Excessive tickling is one that may seem silly. After all, a lot of us think it's fun to tickle other people because they laugh and it seems fun. But when a person's tolerance has run out and they want to stop being tickled and you refuse…then you are going against their wishes. All these actions are damaging to the victims safety and demonstrate a lack of concern and respect for their well-being.

In a healthy marriage stop means stop! The partners want to build each other up, NOT get their way. Many men will excuse their behavior by saying it was an accident they hurt their wife. Yet the women and children can see a man go from destructive and rage-filled to calm and smiling if the doorbell or phone rings. It is not ok to hurt another person. Men are called to protect and cherish their wife. It is THEIR responsibility to present their wife blameless to God as a result of their care and affection for her. Abuse is counter to that and destroys lives. Healthy men are able to put their hurts and disappointments aside for the greater good for the relationship. 

7 - Aspect of Sexual Abuse - He attacks her in sexual ways, demands unwanted acts, interrupts sleep for sex, forces sex on her, treats her a sex object, extreme jealousy. Often after an argument he wants to have sex with her. After the woman has been knocked down and beaten verbally or physically it is no wonder she won't want to be intimate. Yet he must maintain his control and if she refuses he feels justified in forcing himself on her. Other aspects fall into play here. He may bring scripture in about her not denying his need for sex. They may argue late into the night and yet he will keep her awake for sex or wake her up to have sex. His actions show that his needs and wants drive his behavior despite the harm it is doing to his wife. This is the ultimate degrading of the wife's identity. She believes marriage is designed to be a partnership where both spouses honor God and learn how (and when) to sacrifice their desires for the good of the relationship. His actions strip away this partnership. She realizes he sees her as property…as an object to bring his fulfillment and nothing more. This can lead her to doubt everything, including God.

This is clearly counter to a healthy relationship. There are times that both spouses must accept their present need for sex isn't what is best for the relationships at that time. A partner should never coerce or force a person for sex. Healthy relationships won't be jealous of good friendships between members of the opposite sex. It is very damaging to a person's value and identity to be raped. This aspect of abuse within a marriage is even more damaging to the person being taken advantage of.

When you put all these things together, it's no wonder that abused women often don't make rational choices and suffer a lot of negative effects from their mistreatment. We must learn how to recognize abuse, how to protect ourselves and others from it and we must do what we can to change the communities around us to be more helpful! In my next post I will begin to explain other aspects like why she doesn't leave, the red flags that can alert you to the possibility a man is abusive.

Helpful Resources on Abuse

Some of the books I recommend regarding abuse:

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans

Domestic Violence - What Every Pastor Needs to Know by Al Miles

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft

Angry Men and The Women Who Love Them by Paul Hegstrom


Here are some great blog posts and videos on topics of abuse:

http://www.ccef.org/video/how-can-church-minister-victims-sexual-abuse

http://www.ccef.org/blog/shame-and-sexual-abuse-church

http://www.ccef.org/marriage-counseling-class-part-5

I'm in the process of finishing a blog post on the major aspects of abusive relationships. Then I will dig in to other topics surrounding how the abuse feels, should be addressed and how you can help.

What Exactly is Abuse? Part 2

This post is a continuation of the previous post, which you can find by clicking here. Here are more of the lesser known or less often considered aspects of abuse we can gloss right by, not realizing the serious effect on the victim. Again, I reiterate that when you add all the little things in with what most people label abuse you discover the weight of the oppression the victim lives with every day. 

1 - Aspect of Power - This is the aspect behind all the actions and words of the abuser. The goal is to gain power over the other party, so that she is controlled by him and indebted to him for everything she needs. This aspect denies her basic rights to make her own choices. He will use his rules as laws to enforce the power he has to keep her in line. He will deprive her of a private life and control everything that he feels entitled to. If he senses her gaining some independence he will say or do things to take that independence away so he maintains control over her. 

A common example of this is in denying the person the basic necessity of sleep. An abusive person will often prevent her from sleeping when she's tired because he still wants to spend time with her. Arguments rarely end until he's ready for them to end, usually meaning they can last long into the night regardless of how tired she is. There are different degrees of how this grasp for power manifests. Some men dictate exactly when the duties he've assigned to her must be done. If she steps outside the lines of what he wants then he feel justified in punishing her in some way.

In a healthy marriage it is ok for partners to discuss roles and tasks that each spouse will do. Yet from observing healthy marriages I notice more of a give and take. The spouses are a team and when one person isn't able to do a task the other will often take up the slack without punishing the other for it. A cooperative spirit is demonstrated. This mutuality in the relationship recognizes each person has different strengths and weaknesses and works together to a common goal where both people are stronger together. Differences are acknowledged and even celebrated as opportunities. Neither person seeks to win at all costs. 

2 - Aspect of Using Children - This facet is particular hurtful to the woman who carried these children during pregnancy, sacrificing her own needs for her unborn children. She labored to bring them into the world and continues to love, nurture and sacrifice for them everyday since. This aspect happens during the relationship and sadly, it often happens after the relationship has ended. If an abusive partner is not happy with his partner he will seeks ways  to keep her in line. One way is using the children to shame her back into the place he wants to keep her. Another is public humiliation, which will be discussed next. He will criticize her in front of the children, which in impressionable children often interferes with her relationship with her children. They will see her as the cause of the tension in the home and will pressure her to do everything to keep dad happy. 

When the couple divorces this aspect often continues. The man will use child support as leverage to continue controlling the woman. He often will say negative things to the children that they will pass along to their mom. This results in continued abuse by indirect messages from the children. These young children rarely realize that they are being manipulated and controlled for the purpose of continuing to harm the other parent. The woman feels great pain at hearing her children repeat all the things daddy has said about her. This is one of the great injustices of trying to break free of abuse. When children are involved it is rarely possible to be completely free from abuse.

In a healthy marriage, spouses will not attempt to use the children to win the argument. They won't want to interfere with the children's relationship with the other parent. True families seek to build up each member and encourage them to overcome difficulties. It is a great disservice to the children to observe one parent trying to win and control at all costs. Our children are set up to be in unhealthy relationships when they are subjected repeatedly to this tactic from a young age. Most of them won't even realize the manipulation they are undergoing. Children long to believe their parents are caring, safe and wise individuals. They struggle to accept that a parent is being inappropriate. This can negatively impact their future and hurts future generations! 

3 - Aspect of Humiliation - I previously mentioned using children as one way he can humiliate his wife, especially if the children publicly humiliate their mom as a result of things he's said to them. He can appear to have done nothing wrong if the children say something and not him. There are many other ways this tactic can be used. Inappropriate touching in public sends a message to her and others that she is property and is not respected. It is embarrassing to be mistreated and demeaned in front of others. Also putting her down in front of others or making jokes about her in her presence is humiliating. This man can degrade everything from her appearance, financial, parenting  or housekeeping skills. Anything that he doesn't approve of can be used to hurt her and embarrass her.

Christians know God instructs us to love one another and within marriage man is called to cherish his wife. Clearly, publicly humiliating the woman doesn't show true love and certainly doesn't cherish her presence in his life. A man who is hurting his spouse is actually hurting himself. He may think he is winning, but he is actually losing! If he is going to change he will need to come to the point he realizes this and learn how to treat her differently. 

4 - Aspect of Silence - The main example here is giving the silent treatment when not approving of something the spouse has said or done. She will know that he is punishing her. Sometimes she will know why he's angry and other times she won't know what caused it. This is a very tense and stressful way to live. A woman's attempts to discover what caused the tension in order to resolve the issue will usually result in one of the other aspects flaring up - either emotional, verbal or physical abuse. Some people may think the absence of hurtful words is good. Yet knowing something isn't right but being ignored or neglected is damaging to the person's worth. The message conveyed is that if you upset me you deserve pain in return. 

This is counter to a healthy relationship where each person wants to demonstrate love and care. While there are times when discussing issues need to be postponed, the normal pattern is to kindly bring up issues to work through and have healthy dialog that doesn't attack the other person. Relationships thrive on interaction and withholding that from one of the parties is detrimental to the person and the relationship.

5 - Aspect of Intimidation - Here a man tries to maintain control through actions designed to intimidate her. He will look at her a certain way, make gestures, do certain actions, argue continuously and loudly or curse and rage. These actions scare her because she realizes how pervasive his desires to be more powerful are. Over time she will learn what things cause him to act this way and will often try to placate him beforehand so she isn't exposed to these unpleasant experiences. Her life becomes driven by fear and she is always thinking and analyzing situations to figure out how to avoid getting hurt.  

In a loving and mutually supportive relationship neither spouse will try to scare the other person to influence decisions, activities and other wants. It seems like a given that to truly love a spouse would mean to not want to cause them to be afraid of you. 

6 - Aspect of Isolation - This makes her dependent on him for her view of herself. 

Here the abusive person seeks to control her actions in many different ways. He will control who she talks to, convince her to drop outside interests, prevent her from seeing and talking to friends, listen to her calls, he wants to always know where she is and will sometimes move to separate her from a good support system. I met a woman at the shelter who was forced to sell her car and stay in the house all day while he was at work. They didn't have a house phone and he would take her cell phone with him when he left for work. One man wouldn't let her have the password to the internet so she could only be surfing the web when he was sitting right next to her watching! If they do leave some contact with the outside world with the woman (phone or email) they will often check in multiple times a day to keep tabs on her.

These things often happen so subtly that the victim doesn't realize that her ability to relate on equal footing is being stripped away. What woman would want to question why her husband wants her to not hang out or talk to family and friends? It can make her feel important and special that he wants to spend so much time with her. Things progress pretty far before she wakes up to the realization that the attention she's getting is NOT the kind that she has always wanted.

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In my next post I will break down the more talked about aspects of abusive relationships. Then I will begin to explain other aspects like why she doesn't leave, what red flags you can spot and helpful links and books to read.

What Exactly is Abuse? (formerly Aspects of Abuse Broken Down - Part 1)

If you read my previous post there may have been some facets of abuse that surprised you. Because of that possibility I want to start working through those aspects that many of us haven't realized can lead to occasions of abuse. Some of the categories may seem innocuous, even silly, to those without experience in the oppressiveness of being trapped in an abusive relationship. Yet when you add all the little things in with what most people consider abuse to be you discover the weight of the oppression the victim lives with every day. Here are some of the areas of control that a lot of us take for granted:

1 - Aspect of Male Privilege - When the abuser makes all the decisions it means the victim doesn't really have a voice. She is his servant that must carry out his demands, obey his rules and suffer consequences when she has failed to met his expectations. She begins to she deserves this treatment and loses her identity.

In a healthy marriage it is ok to disagree. Sure we all are tempted to act in ways to influence our preferences when disagreements persist. I've not been in relationships where there disagreements are handled peacefully, so I'm not sure I understand yet the best ways to handle these tricky situations. I can say I think one key is that the person who makes the decision should still show respect to the other party. Attacking a problem as a team means that when one person makes the decision it isn't threatening to the other person's value in the relationship. Abuse undermines the value of the one who is viewed as inferior. Relationships are meant to be mutual - with give and take of both parties. Sometimes one party will give more then the other for a set time. Treating a person like a servant keeps a power differential that destroys the unity in the relationship. Abusive people need to realize their grasping for power and control, which they think will bring them happiness, will actually result in unhappiness!

2 - Aspect of Knowledge Abuse - This is a common tactic used to control the victim so she doesn't seek freedom from the abuse. It often intensifies once she's started trying to gain back a part of her life. The abuser is threatened by the possibility he may lose control of her. Several of the things he may try are reading self-help books to gain information he can use against during their difficulties. This aspect often pops up in counseling, when the abuser often is able to twist things around to act like he's a victim and she's the perpetrator. Counseling itself, both individual and group counseling, can increases the chances of this aspect of abuse. 

If he convinces her, counselors, friends, church leaders of this fact then he's able to keep his victim in that inferior position. She will feel the problem lies with her and she must fix herself for things to get better. This absolves the abuser of responsibility and enables him to continue unchanged in the way he treats her. Researching medical conditions, reading self-help literature can be helpful in understanding the other person in your relationship. Yet a healthy relationship will use this knowledge to respond compassionately to their struggle, encourage them to find new skills to overcome them and support the changes they want to make. This demonstrates an awareness that if you have a problem, to best support you I may need to change the way I relate with you!

3 - Aspect of Responsibility Abuse - This is a different side of male privilege. There he is making you do all the work because he feels your job is to serve him. In therapy we view this one as the abuser setting her up to fail. An abuser feels they are stronger or better (smarter) then the victim, yet they give them the responsibility of paying bills, cooking, parenting…and then when you don't live up to their expect ions you are wrong, stupid and deserving of abuse. Some of the ladies I met actually had their abuser tell them if they ever left him he would kill himself. So he was trying to ensure that she would never leave him, by making her responsible for his future.

This differs from healthy relationships, where each person makes their own decisions based on the criteria that are important to them. They don't make someone else the scapegoat for their actions but take responsibility for what they've done and accept the consequences. Abusers always try to push the consequences off onto anyone but themselves - unless it can be used against the other person. This ties in to the knowledge abuse - when it feels advantageous the abuser can admit to a fault and then points out the victim isn't sharing her faults so she clearly must have something to hide and is more at fault then he is….

4 - Aspect of Medical Abuse - This is common in situations of child abuse and domestic violence. When the abuser causes an injury he will often prevent the victim from getting medical treatment. He knows there is a chance that doctors and other medical professionals would see through the stories invented to cover up the abuse. He doesn't want to take the risk that reports could be made, so he prevents her from the help she needs to heal physically. Even when suffering from a normal medical condition some abusers will keep her from getting help, instead berating her for the factors surrounding the injury. These actions don't just prevent or prolong physical healing. This aspect adds extra trauma to an already overwhelmed victim.  It feels like a death sentence to the abused woman. She feels powerless to protect herself from abuse and she feels incapable of healing from the wounds. This extends to a hopelessness regarding her ability to heal from her internal wounds, the deep emotional scars from being abused.

In a healthy relationship a person should be grieved to see the one they love hurting and needing medical treatment. They should show compassion and concern for their safety and well-being. They shouldn't discourage the loved one from getting the tests and treatment they need to get better!

5 - Aspect of Economic Abuse - This can happen in any relationship that has the imbalance of power, but from my time in group therapy I've seen it's more common in conservative Christian circles, where it's common for men to believe it's the woman's job to stay home with the kids, regardless of job opportunities that are suited to her knowledge and skills. This makes her dependent on him. He views himself as her savior and her as the needy, weak, and incompetent one. Some men even seek to control the victim who already has a job in this way. He will make her give him all the money. He will do what he wants with it and makes her ask to be able to spend any of their money, including what she has earned. This sends many messages to her: that she's inferior and must rely on him for everything she needs.

In a loving and mutually supportive relationship each person gives input on economic situations and tries to work together for a solution. If an agreement isn't reached the couple will not try to manipulate the other one into going with their option. No matter what decisions are made they will treat each other with respect. This is working together as a team. 

6 - Aspect of Financial Abuse - This makes her dependent on him as well. One woman I met in therapy didn't know her husband had taken out everything in her name. She discovered this after he had left her and collections notices started showing up in the mail. Typically, the abuser lets his victim know about the debt piling up in her name to keep her dependent on him. If she doesn't have a job, she will be hesitant to leave, knowing her credit is ruined and collections agencies will come after her and not him. 

You may start to realize these pieces fit together in a tangled web. Trying to get one area free often leads to a tightening of another section. The road to healing from abuse is very long and filled with confusion, loneliness and fear. You may start wondering why with all these aspects added on to the big ones of physical abuse and threats that a woman would stay. I will discuss this in detail later, but here is one factor that complicates things. While some of these facets are consistent in their level of control, often the abuser sends mixed messages. Some days he may surprise her with letting her have more money then usual to spend. In a life dominated by abuse, this small act feels like a neon sign pointing her to a new hope - a possibility that he may have recognized his unfair treatment of her and is willing to change.  Sometimes things will stay good for a time. Or it may be short lived. She may return home with some new clothes, books, music (or have gone out to eat with girlfriends) only to be belittled for her unwise choice. But things are continue this up and down cycle until something makes the move to break it.

In my next post I will break down a few more aspects of abusive relationships.

An Introduction to Abuse

Chances are most of you know someone who's been abused, or have experienced it yourself. Yet some of my readers may not have had any exposure to abuse. There are many different forms, and during this month I will discuss a range of types, from general abuse to more specifics such as domestic violence, sexual abuse, stalking, verbal abuse and spiritual abuse. I think that abuse has at times become one of those words that has been heard and used so much that it's lost the weightiness of how it impacts a person. I hope in these posts you will learn something, be moved to compassion for hurting people and find encouragement for struggles you or a loved one may have faced in the past. If you realize you are currently in an abusive situation, I will also post here some of the lessons I have learned, things I wish I had fought for and other thoughts on the matter. I am in the process of writing a book, because I have learned in the Christian faith that certain forms of abuse are still ignored, minimized or attempted to be suppressed.

Here are some statistics I found in Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does He Do That? 

1. 2-4 million women are assaulted by their partner every year in the US. 
2. Attacks by males are the number 1 cause of injury in women age 15-44. 
3. The trauma from partner violence is a factor in 1/4 of female suicide attempts and is the leading cause of substance abuse in women.
4. 1 out of 3 women will experience violence from her husband or boyfriend. 
5. 5 million children per year witness an attack on their mothers.

These statistics should sadden us and lead us to seek out and help victims. To be able to seek them out you need to understand what separates normal behavior from abusive behavior. We all have conflict. We all have moments when we speak or respond harshly with another person or try to manipulate someone. Yet healthy relationships treat each other as equals and try to find solutions together. If you abuse something then you are using it differently then it's intended purpose. To be abused is to be misused and mistreated. The key factors to uncover are WHAT is going on and WHY is abusive behavior taking place.  

To answer what is going on, I have summarized a diagram by Paul Hegstrom, who outlines the many facets of abusive relationships. Paul was a pastor who severely abused his wife and was facing criminal charges. When he became convinced of the seriousness of his behavior he committed to change and worked hard on his attitudes and behaviors.  He then wrote a book called Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them. 

Aspects of an abusive relationship (pg 24-25): 

• Physical Abuse - beating, biting, choking, grabbing, kicking, punching, restraining, shaking, shoving, using weapons and more
• Male Privilege - makes all decisions, treats person like a servant
• Knowledge Abuse - gets therapy and uses it against her
• Sexual Abuse -attacks her, demand unwanted acts, interrupts sleep for sex, extreme jealousy
• Humiliation - hostile humor, public criticism, degrades appearance / parenting skills / housekeeping...
• Responsibility Abuse - makes victim responsible for everything - bills, parenting, cleaning, etc
• Medical Abuse - keeps her from medical treatment from injuries and / or normal check-ups. 
• Religious Abuse - uses scripture to abuse and other spiritual language
• Using Children - passes messages through children, uses visitation to harass, uses money as leverage
• Power - denies basic rights, uses law to enforce his power, deprives her of private life, controls everything
• Stalking - spies on her, follows her, shows extreme distrust
• Emotional Abuse - puts her down, calls her names, plays mind games, withholds affection
• Threats - to end relationship, to hurt her, to take the children, report her, 
• Economic Abuse - restricts her employment, takes money she earns, makes her ask for money, etc
• Financial Abuse - ruins her credit, puts everything in his name to make her dependent on him
• Intimidation - uses looks, actions and voice to cause fear, argues continuously
• Property Violence - punches walls, abuses pets, breaks doors, etc
• Isolation - controls her actions, who she talks to, listens to calls, restricts outside interests, deprives her of friends
• Silence - uses silence as a weapon, doesn't communicate or express emotion to punish her
• Verbal Abuse - curses, accuses, name-calling, uses past to control and manipulate 

The WHY of abusive behavior becomes clear from these examples. An abusive person systematically seeks to gain power over the other person and controls aspects of their life. Overtime this demeaning behavior strips the person of their worth and dignity. The victim lives in fear and dread of the next attack. Some abusers are consistent in their tactics. Some will shift styles to find new ways to control the victim if they feel they're losing the power they had. David Powlison from CCEF says that abuse is damaging because it involves a betrayal of trust. I can wholeheartedly agree with him. Abuse can happen between anyone. Some examples - between siblings, friends, or dating people - will be devastating - yet there is an ingredient missing that would take it to the next level of destruction. The most damaging types of abusive relationships are ones that involve a person in authority who betrays the trust you've placed in them. 

Examples of these are:

1. Parent / child
2. Teacher / student
3. Counselor / counselee
4. Priest / parishioner or pastor / member or church leaders / member
5. Husband / wife (in conservative circles)
6. Boss / employee

These people have authority because of their position. They are supposed to protect you, care for you, provide for you. There is a hierarchy set into the relationship from the beginning which automatically gives them power over you. Their responsibility is to look out for YOUR welfare. But when they seek to use you to get something they want it can turn into abuse. All relationships are built on give and take. When someone has power over you it is harder to not feel obligated to give when they ask, even if what they ask for is wrong. From my personal experience, the hardest form of abuse to recover from is spiritual abuse. A parent, husband and pastor can do this by using scripture to elicit unquestioning obedience to their demands. These situations are very difficult to get free of. A student, counselee and employee can leave the situation easier then a child, spouse or church member. 

Out of all the types of abuse, I believe the most destructive is between a pastor (or group of church leaders) and a member of the church. My faith is important to me. I believe God created us. I have been taught (and affirm) WCF question 1 -  that my main purpose is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. I want my life to honor him. I want to share my faith with others and help them find purpose in their life and hope for their future. Yet it feels many of my experiences are undermining those beliefs and desires. ANY abuse is devastating to a person's identity. You can't help but question: Why it happened? What does it mean for me and about me? Will I ever be cherished? Am I unlovable? And on and on the questions, doubts and fears attack the victim. The Bible calls leaders to shepherd and protect the flock of members. When those leaders abuse their power and authority it begins stripping down the faith of the community. When a vulnerable person goes to their pastor for counseling and ends up being abused is it any wonder that their faith is severely hindered? The person in the middle of the situation may be incapable of believing that God is grieved over their mistreatment. They have believed that the pastor and leaders were called to serve the members and teach them truths about God. They will begin to feel that maybe the truth is that God doesn't love them or maybe God isn't really a good God. This is clearly something we don't want to happen and we must find better ways to help these victims!

This post is just an introduction to the different aspects of abuse. I hope it has started you thinking about the experiences of others and the drastic implications it has for their lives. I will attempt to write 2-3 posts each week on aspects of abuse. Some of my writings will be based on previous experiences of mine and some will be based from the experiences of women I've met in group therapy. I will share books and other resources that have helped me. I am in the process of writing a survey for abuse survivors on their experiences, where they sought help and what worked and didn't work, including how their churches responded, because I believe there is a problem in our churches that need to be addressed in hopes of a solution. I hope to incorporate the survey results into my book, though it will likely be a long time before I'm finished with that goal! In the meantime, I hope my posts will help bring more awareness to these issues so we all can do a better job of helping those in crisis!

I welcome your thoughts - please leave comments and if there any topics you want me to address then let me know!