2 blog posts in 1 day! (Don't expect it to become a habit - I have so much going on these days. I only need to write this while the lessons and thoughts are in my mind.)
Those who know me realize I'm no stranger to depression. It's followed me a big portion of my life in various ways and I suspect it will always pull at me.
For those who don't know what depression is like here's a summary: It's a dark cloud hovering over you. It's hard to be motivated to do things that normally bring joy. It's hard to just get out of bed. And often pushing through it to do what's needed results in extreme fatigue. It's sadness that can come and go or stick around for days and days (and even longer). It's crying those gut-wrenching unquenchable sobs. It's the urge to sleep life away because moving feels like fighting against molasses. It's seeing rain when the sun is shining and feeling pain regardless of kindness. I could go on, but you get the picture.
Depression wants to pull inward and isolate. Yet what the depressed person really needs is people. The type of people they need are specific. They need godly Christians committed to demonstrating God's love even when it hurts. Since each situation is different it will look different in some ways, yet parts of it will be the same and general principles apply.
This post is prompted by several incidents over the years that have made clear to me two things. There are people who don't know what depressed people need and there are counselors who don't know how to help either! As someone who has been a depressed person, helped depressed people, been counseled poorly in the past, been counseled very well (currently, thank God!) and is studying about counseling I have a lot of thoughts and tips I'd like to share for you to consider the next time you come across a depressed person or feel depressed yourself and need a counselor.
Right now life is hard. If I get through these crazy struggles of problems at work, studying a lot and illnesses and do succeed in becoming a counselor there are things I want to remember about what not to say to people who come to me for help. There are things I will want to say to people who want to help those who are struggling. Counselors have a responsibility to carefully tread into the relationships of other people. If they don't take time to understand the situation they can end up causing more damage. I hope that if I'm able to fulfill my dream that I don't forget and lose sight of how to relate to depressed people or those who know depressed people.
I've been reminded of some things I've learned in my counseling class in a painful way. I hope what I share will help some of you make different choices. This post will summarize the lessons I want to remember…
Important things for counselors to keep in mind - or what to look for in them
1- When a counselor is being introduced to a new person or situation the most important thing to remember is To ask more questions.
This is crucial to understanding the situation and ensuring you can give godly counsel. A lot of counselees come in over relationships that are strained. The person who has come in wants help. A good counselor will not only need to listen to their perception of the persons problem but will need to ask many more questions about both the one who's come and the other one. An important question to ask regarding relationships is if they've shared their concerns with the person. If they say no the next question is obvious - why or why not? To not share your concerns with the other person is saying something that needs to be understood. Encouragement must be given that keeping concerns to yourself usually will prevent the relationship from moving forward and becoming stronger. Not sharing concerns or feelings can lead to huge problems. Also a person's past experiences can factor into jumping to conclusions about the other person (who isn't present) that may not be accurate. If the counselor is not discerning and careful in asking questions the statements presented to counselor can lead him to inaccurate conclusions and this can be dangerous for all the parties involved.
2 - The flip side of asking more questions results in taking time and going slower. I'm reminded of the caution against jumping too quickly toward giving advice. If you haven't taken the time to really understand the situation how can you give godly counsel? If a counselor were to tell a friend to distance themselves from a depressed person without knowing that person is their only friend then their quick advice could actually push the depressed person farther down the dark path and they might not be able to get back into the light. If counselors ask enough questions when they do give advice is will likely be more on target then jumping in from the beginning. I'm reminded of Yalom in his book The Art of Therapy talking about having learned this lesson, that often as he found out more information about the person and the relationship he realized he had given bad advice. That thought sticks with me when I find myself tempted to give advice to people.
3 - The counselors job, whether formal or informal (through friendships) is to walk with the person through their struggles, not as a superior person, but as a fellow traveller who also has struggles! The demonstrate a commitment to the person: to understanding them, their struggles and their relationships in a way that positively impacts the people around them. They will encourage the people they walk with to do the same for others as they stick with the counselee in hard times and demonstrate that God's desire is always to remain in relationship with us and he doesn't give up on us!
4 - The use of Bible verses isn't as simple as finding a passage that addresses the issue. Without the relationship having been built and the depth from asking a lot of questions - often verses will miss the mark. The longer a counselor takes to understand the problems, situations and struggles you're facing, the more likely the verse they pick for you will be helpful, edifying and effective.
As a depressed person, there are things I know I have needed at one time or another…so now I switch to sharing my tips for the person who is friends with the depressed person:
1 - Realize the great honor you have in having been trusted with the darkest parts of a person's life. The hardest part in life is to be real and honest with a person that doesn't owe you anything (and isn't related to you.) God created us to be in relationships. Because being trusted with a person's pain is a great responsibility, tread carefully.
2 - Demonstrate long-suffering. Don't give up on them unless it's a last resort. Depressed people say and do unhealthy and even scary things. God still loves them and he needs YOU to show it to them. God calls us to be his hands and feet. We are called to bear one another's burdens. We are called to shows God to the suffering person. Part of that is offering ourselves even when it's difficult or hurts. If you see someone's suffering God is likely calling you to help. If you brush that call aside you are dishonoring God.
3 - Share your concerns. Don't expect a depressed person to recognize or know you have them. They are covered in darkness and they try to conserve their energy for things they have to do. Those two things take away their ability to know what you're thinking. Depressed people are naturally fearful and their panic and vulnerability over having reached out and shared the shameful parts of themselves. They want the relationship to be good because they intuitively know having a strong relationship during their depression increases the chances they will come through it. You give respect and dignity to the person by sharing the concerns with them because you are involving them in a struggle and showing them you care by your willingness to work through issues. They are afraid of being hurt. Sharing your concerns shows them that you care and are interested in working WITH them. While it can be hard for them to hear it builds the relationship if you give them a chance.
4 - DON'T run away. Now, we know it's not as simple as that. There are situations where an abused wife needs to get away from their spouse and children need to be protected from abusive parents and so on. But here is the principle I feel with every fiber of my being and I've learned from my counseling classes…Godly Christian relationships model God's love for us. God pursues the lost and sufferers and sinners in the Bible. He's there when they don't want him to be there. He demonstrates compassion and faithfulness and sacrifice. These are the types of relationships that we should have. We move towards the suffering person and show them God's mercy and compassion. Things will be rough. You will be tired and frustrated. Yet Godly Christian relationships work towards reconciliation until it's obvious that it isn't safe or wise to continue doing so. To turn and run without making every attempt at preserving the relationship and working through difficulties adds shame to a person who already feels the shame and stigma of their situation and the depression that haunts them. It also dishonors God and hurts his reputation as the world watches the way we treat each other. If you're feeling the urge to run - talk to them. Agree on parameters, rules, boundaries (whatever you want to call it) for the relationship. But RESIST the urge to run. Your leaving after they've been so vulnerable with you could send them into a tailspin they might not recover from. I can't stress this point enough! It grieves God to desert a person you've commited to helping through a dark time.
I would like to say I have tips for the depressed person, but I don't really have any at this time. It's a lonely and dark road. And I don't want to recommend you seek out friends to trust and have them hurt you. I don't want to make any missteps and lead you deeper into the darkness. Since I don't know your situation that led you there all I can say is I understand and I hope you find a way out. I hope God sends people to you who won't forsake you. I hope you feel God's love. I hope you find the strength to get up each day and continue over and over until things get easier.
Those are just some of the things that have come to mind today. I know there is more I could say, but I don't have the time now. I hope this post has opened your eyes to how you can help a person who's groping in the dark. I will come back another time and bring it up again. I'm behind on my schoolwork and don't feel well so I need to go focus on other things. If I'm able to continue in the counseling field I plan to revisit this post often and remind myself of how to help bring the depressed people through their trials.
If you'd like some resources to read go to CCEF.org and search for their articles on Depression. Also they have several books that are helpful. I highly recommend their resources. Their counseling resources aren't behaviorally driven but relationally driven with the foundation of all relationships modeling the relationship between God and his people!
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