Discouragement

I have lived a great portion of my life at different depths of discouragement. Currently I'm pretty low. Many events have happened to steal any hope I had gained back. I don't know how to continue dealing with loneliness effectively. I know God doesn't want us to be alone. Our need and responsibility to share our lives with others is displayed all over scripture.

Given the many trials I've had in life, I lowered my expectations of people so I'm less vulnerable and have less risk in terms of relationships. Yet, when I search for something from others (which is usually very minimal, since I ultimately don't think I'm worth other people's time and frienship) I'd say 99% of the time I'm dismissed. I end up in tears again, wondering why others have friendships and communities to rally around them in difficult times and I am not blessed with that. Each time I'm closer and closer to shutting myself off to all relationships around me...because I begin to see the only way to not have any risk at all is to not reach out to others. If I don't reach out then I'm alone, because it's extremely rare for anyone to reach out to me. I'm always having to intrude on a person's life to ask them for their time. More often then not I'm left feeling that I'm not worth their time. So I continue being alone everyday. And it grieves me.

If the Bible is accurate, then God is grieved I'm alone. I'm not just talking about a companion in marriage, although I would be happy one day to have a godly man love me. Many passages point to value of friendships. Based on those, I KNOW we were created for community (with God first, that then is supposed to be expressed in community with others.) I don't want to be alone and isolated, just watching life from the outside. Yet it feels that everything I experience is forcing me to that end. I don't understand why God has neglected me in the natural order of His world, why I'm forced to be alone day after day regardless of what I try to remedy the situation. I feel stuck. Unable to go backwards and unable to move forward. Having unresolved issues with a few people that don't seem interested in reconciliation is hard. Plus, after my last couple unsuccessful attempts to engage in fellowship with various people that I like, I currently don't feel capable of reaching out for friendship. Yet it doesn't feel right to be alone. That unsettled feeling is so difficult to sit with...and it's where I am on most days. I'd like to think things would change at some point, but I don't allow myself the luxury of dreaming things that most likely won't occur.

Maybe one day God will remember me and bless me with close friends. Meanwhile, I sit in the confusion of what step to take next. Do I stand still, going through life alone, or do I try yet again to reach out to people? I feel like a dog waiting for scraps that others discard. I feel unworthy of anything other then the leftovers that others no longer want. Ultimately, I guess I just want to be chosen by someone...to be of value to someone. I tell myself this is a selfish desire but deep down I don't think it is. God gives us the desire for companionship. I cry to God and ask for understanding and grace and mercy but I rarely find it. So I try to deal with the hurt at being denied his blessing. Sometimes I do ok in processing the events of my life. Yet some days are just hard.

It's a difficult and lonely place to be. I hope that those of you who read this aren't in the same place of loneliness and discouragement where I reside. If you do struggle the same way I hope you've found hope to help you through as you wait.