I started writing this post 2 weeks ago and haven't had much time to finish it! So I decided to quickly edit and post it tonight! Please respond with your thoughts! I know we can learn a lot from each other and I don't want my blog to be monologue but an entry point into discussions with others. THANKS!
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There are many thoughts swirling around in my head about things I'd previously believed and whether or not they were true or I was deceived. Stick with me as I seek to work through some of them here. These thoughts are stemming from my current counseling class and the fact that I'm doing well in the class and my mind is boggled by this. To explain this, I have to backtrack...
This is the third class I've taken. The first one was an introduction to counseling, ministry and contemplating what Biblical change is. I liked the material and felt I had a good grasp on assignments. I was pleased that in my first course after many years of being out of school that I did good. Due to financial issues I didn't take another class for a year. Last fall I took my second class. The title was Helping Relationships and I felt that it was going to be very hard for me. I've been put down by friends, family and church members, and even some church leaders in the past. So I have felt like I was a perfect example of a screw-up, someone who had NO idea of how relationships should go. On my first assignment I got an A. I thought it was a fluke. Yet I kept doing well on assignments, and getting feedback on my involvement in community group that surprised me. People VALUED my input, saying I showed compassion and wisdom that they envied me for. I was astounded.
Me? There might actually be things I'm good at? There could be things that others could learn from me? I'd hoped many times that it would be the case. That sufferings I've gone through could be used in some way...Yet I often felt that I was beyond redemption on earth. Sure, I believe God loved me and called me to be His. I felt I belonged to Him, but I also felt that there would not be any redemption for me in this life. I felt I was too far gone. It was becoming clear to me in that class that I had believed things others had told me that weren't true. Why was that the case? I can't say for sure, but I can speculate that it was to continue keeping me trapped in a helpless state so I could continue being abused. Or to keep me as an inferior so the other person could puff themself up. My counselor had told me several times (and more since) that he wasn't surprised. He said/says that he sees an intuitive sensitivity in the way I view people that most people take a long time to develop. He said I pick up on things others miss and am a natural "temperature taker" of relationships. It took many times of him saying this before I could begin to believe it. The sad thing is, I still bump into people who look down on me or judge me. I've recently had a heartbreaking interchange with a lady who is in ministry and studying to be a counselor. Sadly, what I felt from her was superiority and a lack of understanding instead of compassion. When these things happen it increases my frustration that so many people don't understand HOW deeply their actions affect others. I know it grieves God when people see a victim as unable to contribute value or meaning to the conversation. It grieves God when a leader doesn't humbly admit there are times they could have made better decisions or might need to work to change something. I ended that class with an A. I was proud of my work, yet still shocked that I actually do understand how to relate to some people. So I guess I need to rethink all those times when people told me all the problems in the relationship was my fault and there wasn't anything they were doing wrong...
I had a few weeks off and started on the next class....Biblical Interpretation. I was very nervous about this one. I had been told by other men and church leaders that I don't know how to interpret the Bible. I've been told I was a weak woman and misread what I wanted to see in the scripture about how I should be treated by others. I was told by a pastor that my faith was too weak and I needed to pray for God to give me what I was missing or my relationships would never get better! I believed all these people (because I did think all the fault was mine in every relationship and the way to get better was to try and study and figure out what I needed to change.) So the class started and I as overwhelmed, the reading was confusing, the assignments were hard and I almost quit. I worked on the course about 30 or more hours a week because if I do decide to do ministry I want to be the best equipped I can be and if I'm confused that means I need to push through until I'm not confused. And here I am again on the night before my final in the class - on the borderline between an A and a B! Is this God's way of giving me his blessing to pursue ministry? It is shocking to me to be doing well at work, and in school while being a single parent...AND for the last 40 days preparing to move into a new home. As I've studied and submitted my papers and received my grades I've had to rethink again. Either I've known biblical truth for a long time and was convinced I didn't by others, or through these classes I've grown a lot and changed.
I can say, that through these classes I'm re-evaluating more closely what people say to me. What I'm working on, is trying to make sure when people tell me something - that I can see whether or not it's what God thinks about me. I won't blindly accept criticism or quickly dismiss praise like I used to. I'm working on trying to figure out how I can encourage others who struggle...and encourage those who teach and minister how they can relate better to others. I don't want to act superior to them, but I lovingly want to share how I've felt, and what I've learned in my interactions with people in hopes that my words may help make their ministry better!
And then, if I do get into ministry someday, may I never forget that people go into ministry to help and serve others. To do this you MUST seek to listen and understand who they are, respond with compassion and not act like you're better then the one who needs your help. An arrogant leader who feels they make great decisions and doen't need to change is not a leader I want to be...and certainly not one I want to follow.
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ps to Tami, I responded to your comment and hope you've seen it. :)
Monday, April 8, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Economy, Politics, Religion and What's really wrong with the world!
There is a lot of talk about many issues going on right now. There is
fear and sadness over the economy. There is frustration with the
government making decisions that take away freedoms. There is always a
religious undertone to issues even when people don't realize it. I don't
intend to get into specifics of all these things. I mainly want to
share some things I've learned in my classes that can be then applied to
these issues at another time. I can say this: Talk is good. God created
communication for many reasons. Words are designed to draw us closer to
each other. They are designed to reflect the glory and beauty of God.
Yet more often then not words tear people down and judge others as
silly, unworthy or stupid.
I've had thoughts rolling around in my head for quite some time on a Christian's role / purpose / focus for relationships and life. They center around the counseling class I just finished and the counseling one I'm currently taking. 2 themes I've learned in the classes are what I want to share and briefly elaborate on in this post.
Here they are:
1- Relationships - Our interactions with people should be one of moving toward others. This can be hard sometimes. There are often people who don't seem to be a "good fit" for us based on personality, circumstances and so on. Yet all people struggle to varying degrees. As a Christian we shouldn't be choosy in how to respond to them. A suffering person needs compassion. Even a harsh, abrasive person needs compassion. Even those that appear or admit to being stuck in some on-going sin need compassion. Everyone needs acknowledgement that they have worth and dignity. (Elaborating there would have to be another post that compares cultural version of self-esteem with the claim that a holy and just God created us...in HIS image.) We all will have people in our lives that we feel are difficult. How WE respond to them demonstrates how well God's character has impacted us. Over and over again in the Bible Jesus was shown as moving toward the ones that society rejected. HE wasn't afraid to get involved with broken, suffering people. He had a great balance of demonstrating compassion for the situation. Yet at the same time, when it was appropriate, he challenged people to overcome sin and difficulty. When we wish to be like him, we need to realize our interaction with others should first show compassion and a desire to know and understand the other person. Only when that link has been made can we effectively speak truth in their lives and motivate / help them to change in areas that need it. Take some time to think about passages in the Bible when humans sinned, they often ran from God and hid. Yet GOD pursued them and sought to make the relationship right. Over and over he forgave each sinner. He demonstrates great love for all His creation in this way!
2- The overarching theme of life displayed in the Bible...Christians know the Bible is a story of redemption. More specifically between God (the creator) and his people he created...So at the heart of the Bible is a STORY of relationship! Over and over throughout the Bible we have stories of God calling people to be in relationship with HIM! Adam and Eve, Noah and his family, Moses and the Israelites, the Kings and Judges, and on and on....You don't have to read very far to see that people will never be able to live as God wants them too. All over the page of Scripture, the people sin. The pattern goes like this: the people sin, receive judgement by God - resulting in unfavorable consequences for the people, the people return to their devotion to God, the people are restored to peace / fellowship with God and may even be blessed. The cycle repeats over and over. God, in His love for his creation sends His son, Jesus, to come and repair the rift and make it possible for the relationship to be restored. One thing I've known for a long time, but continues to grow in greater understanding, is that while Jesus does save individuals from their sin to be in restored relationship with him...the real heart of the gospel is a COMMUNITY of people in relationship with God. It is the biggest testament to love, grace, patience, holiness, etc when many people with different personalities and likes / dislikes can work together for common good and bring honor and glory to God, our creator.
I know that there are people out there whose experiences are different then mine. I am thankful that there are people who have wonderful examples of relationships and communities that follow God well and are a light in dark places to struggling people. My story has not followed that path, even from the time I was a little girl. Most of my life has been fighting against sin and injustice and abuse alone, a VERY disheartening and draining place to be. The story of many of my friends from abuse support groups have not followed that either. After 3 years (and probably meeting 500+ women in similar situations to me) what I see of the current state of the church isn't one of glowing examples of the way God wants things to be. I know there are good churches out there. I would love to acknowledge and celebrate the ones who are diligently support and protect families who are hurting. When you think about how patient God is with us when we stray from Him and combine that with the idea of moving toward others, it's easy to see how we all fall short in our relationships with others. We may at times wonder why the churches don't impact the world as much as we used to. Maybe it feels that way because the world is bigger then when I was younger. Or maybe it truly is because of compromises churches have made on the way that undercut the message of salvation, love and mercy. It feels to me that the culture continues to go farther away from godly principles. God IS patient and loving, yet there was always a point in the Bible when the Israelites had forsaken his commands that they were carried off into slavery or fell into bondage to idols for many years. When I see countless women asking / begging for protection and help from their churches and not receiving it, I begin to wonder how much longer God will show our nation favor.
I long for change, for us to be the witnesses we need to be - the ones we've been called to be - to countless people who are hurting, confused and lost. If just one person reads my words and evaluates the way they relate to hurting people, then any criticism I may receive is worth it. If one person changes the way they respond to those around them because of this, then God will be honored. If one person gets involved in their church to be more supportive of struggling people then my time in writing this was certainly well spent. (Granted I hope for many people to read this and to have their eyes opened to the difference we can make, and work to implement change in a positive direction, but I'll settle for one!)
I believe we should be careful but truthful about hurts we've experience or witnessed. Staying silent doesn't result in change and only perpetuates problems. We were created to be relational people. We were created to share our burdens, not just with God, but with a community of people. If individuals don't take a stand for what is right, then often no change will occur and people will continue to be wounded in the process. God wants us to be about building his family. We should learn how to love and live like a family that is willing to sacrifice for those who are hurting and seek to demonstrate that love to those around us. Helping others "learn" of God's love and sacrifice can happen in many ways. One of those ways is through the lives of Christians that pursue others in order to initiate relationships of caring and support both individually and in a community setting. I know if I am grieved over the hurts people are receiving from churches, that God is even more grieved. I want to do what I can to bring about change!
(To quickly get back to the title of my post...) I don't know all the best answers for the many issues facing our country (and other countries). What I do know is if Christians want to affect change in the world, we need to LIVE in a way that makes the world not just take notice of our commitment to stances on certain issues, but the values behind them, the love for others, the concern for other's needs and overall well-being,...then maybe our opinions, strategies and solutions will begin to make a genuine difference in the world. (To be clear, I'm not saying that there aren't people already doing this, I'm just hoping each person will evaluate whether or not they can say they truly are!)
I'd love for you to share your thoughts on this issue.
I've had thoughts rolling around in my head for quite some time on a Christian's role / purpose / focus for relationships and life. They center around the counseling class I just finished and the counseling one I'm currently taking. 2 themes I've learned in the classes are what I want to share and briefly elaborate on in this post.
Here they are:
1- Relationships - Our interactions with people should be one of moving toward others. This can be hard sometimes. There are often people who don't seem to be a "good fit" for us based on personality, circumstances and so on. Yet all people struggle to varying degrees. As a Christian we shouldn't be choosy in how to respond to them. A suffering person needs compassion. Even a harsh, abrasive person needs compassion. Even those that appear or admit to being stuck in some on-going sin need compassion. Everyone needs acknowledgement that they have worth and dignity. (Elaborating there would have to be another post that compares cultural version of self-esteem with the claim that a holy and just God created us...in HIS image.) We all will have people in our lives that we feel are difficult. How WE respond to them demonstrates how well God's character has impacted us. Over and over again in the Bible Jesus was shown as moving toward the ones that society rejected. HE wasn't afraid to get involved with broken, suffering people. He had a great balance of demonstrating compassion for the situation. Yet at the same time, when it was appropriate, he challenged people to overcome sin and difficulty. When we wish to be like him, we need to realize our interaction with others should first show compassion and a desire to know and understand the other person. Only when that link has been made can we effectively speak truth in their lives and motivate / help them to change in areas that need it. Take some time to think about passages in the Bible when humans sinned, they often ran from God and hid. Yet GOD pursued them and sought to make the relationship right. Over and over he forgave each sinner. He demonstrates great love for all His creation in this way!
2- The overarching theme of life displayed in the Bible...Christians know the Bible is a story of redemption. More specifically between God (the creator) and his people he created...So at the heart of the Bible is a STORY of relationship! Over and over throughout the Bible we have stories of God calling people to be in relationship with HIM! Adam and Eve, Noah and his family, Moses and the Israelites, the Kings and Judges, and on and on....You don't have to read very far to see that people will never be able to live as God wants them too. All over the page of Scripture, the people sin. The pattern goes like this: the people sin, receive judgement by God - resulting in unfavorable consequences for the people, the people return to their devotion to God, the people are restored to peace / fellowship with God and may even be blessed. The cycle repeats over and over. God, in His love for his creation sends His son, Jesus, to come and repair the rift and make it possible for the relationship to be restored. One thing I've known for a long time, but continues to grow in greater understanding, is that while Jesus does save individuals from their sin to be in restored relationship with him...the real heart of the gospel is a COMMUNITY of people in relationship with God. It is the biggest testament to love, grace, patience, holiness, etc when many people with different personalities and likes / dislikes can work together for common good and bring honor and glory to God, our creator.
I know that there are people out there whose experiences are different then mine. I am thankful that there are people who have wonderful examples of relationships and communities that follow God well and are a light in dark places to struggling people. My story has not followed that path, even from the time I was a little girl. Most of my life has been fighting against sin and injustice and abuse alone, a VERY disheartening and draining place to be. The story of many of my friends from abuse support groups have not followed that either. After 3 years (and probably meeting 500+ women in similar situations to me) what I see of the current state of the church isn't one of glowing examples of the way God wants things to be. I know there are good churches out there. I would love to acknowledge and celebrate the ones who are diligently support and protect families who are hurting. When you think about how patient God is with us when we stray from Him and combine that with the idea of moving toward others, it's easy to see how we all fall short in our relationships with others. We may at times wonder why the churches don't impact the world as much as we used to. Maybe it feels that way because the world is bigger then when I was younger. Or maybe it truly is because of compromises churches have made on the way that undercut the message of salvation, love and mercy. It feels to me that the culture continues to go farther away from godly principles. God IS patient and loving, yet there was always a point in the Bible when the Israelites had forsaken his commands that they were carried off into slavery or fell into bondage to idols for many years. When I see countless women asking / begging for protection and help from their churches and not receiving it, I begin to wonder how much longer God will show our nation favor.
I long for change, for us to be the witnesses we need to be - the ones we've been called to be - to countless people who are hurting, confused and lost. If just one person reads my words and evaluates the way they relate to hurting people, then any criticism I may receive is worth it. If one person changes the way they respond to those around them because of this, then God will be honored. If one person gets involved in their church to be more supportive of struggling people then my time in writing this was certainly well spent. (Granted I hope for many people to read this and to have their eyes opened to the difference we can make, and work to implement change in a positive direction, but I'll settle for one!)
I believe we should be careful but truthful about hurts we've experience or witnessed. Staying silent doesn't result in change and only perpetuates problems. We were created to be relational people. We were created to share our burdens, not just with God, but with a community of people. If individuals don't take a stand for what is right, then often no change will occur and people will continue to be wounded in the process. God wants us to be about building his family. We should learn how to love and live like a family that is willing to sacrifice for those who are hurting and seek to demonstrate that love to those around us. Helping others "learn" of God's love and sacrifice can happen in many ways. One of those ways is through the lives of Christians that pursue others in order to initiate relationships of caring and support both individually and in a community setting. I know if I am grieved over the hurts people are receiving from churches, that God is even more grieved. I want to do what I can to bring about change!
(To quickly get back to the title of my post...) I don't know all the best answers for the many issues facing our country (and other countries). What I do know is if Christians want to affect change in the world, we need to LIVE in a way that makes the world not just take notice of our commitment to stances on certain issues, but the values behind them, the love for others, the concern for other's needs and overall well-being,...then maybe our opinions, strategies and solutions will begin to make a genuine difference in the world. (To be clear, I'm not saying that there aren't people already doing this, I'm just hoping each person will evaluate whether or not they can say they truly are!)
I'd love for you to share your thoughts on this issue.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Busy, Busy...
I have a lot of posts tumbling in my head...but haven't had much time to start working on them. Things are full steam ahead with the new year at work and kid's school....plus my online class that just started last week...I'll be back soon with more posts. Stay tuned...
In the meantime, here is a song that sums up much of my life...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-METBrlP3xU&sns=em
Worn - lyrics by Tenth Avenue North
I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and fluid my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn
In the meantime, here is a song that sums up much of my life...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-METBrlP3xU&sns=em
Worn - lyrics by Tenth Avenue North
I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and fluid my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Discouragement
I have lived a great portion of my life at different depths of discouragement. Currently I'm pretty low. Many events have happened to steal any hope I had gained back. I don't know how to continue dealing with loneliness effectively. I know God doesn't want us to be alone. Our need and responsibility to share our lives with others is displayed all over scripture.
Given the many trials I've had in life, I lowered my expectations of people so I'm less vulnerable and have less risk in terms of relationships. Yet, when I search for something from others (which is usually very minimal, since I ultimately don't think I'm worth other people's time and frienship) I'd say 99% of the time I'm dismissed. I end up in tears again, wondering why others have friendships and communities to rally around them in difficult times and I am not blessed with that. Each time I'm closer and closer to shutting myself off to all relationships around me...because I begin to see the only way to not have any risk at all is to not reach out to others. If I don't reach out then I'm alone, because it's extremely rare for anyone to reach out to me. I'm always having to intrude on a person's life to ask them for their time. More often then not I'm left feeling that I'm not worth their time. So I continue being alone everyday. And it grieves me.
If the Bible is accurate, then God is grieved I'm alone. I'm not just talking about a companion in marriage, although I would be happy one day to have a godly man love me. Many passages point to value of friendships. Based on those, I KNOW we were created for community (with God first, that then is supposed to be expressed in community with others.) I don't want to be alone and isolated, just watching life from the outside. Yet it feels that everything I experience is forcing me to that end. I don't understand why God has neglected me in the natural order of His world, why I'm forced to be alone day after day regardless of what I try to remedy the situation. I feel stuck. Unable to go backwards and unable to move forward. Having unresolved issues with a few people that don't seem interested in reconciliation is hard. Plus, after my last couple unsuccessful attempts to engage in fellowship with various people that I like, I currently don't feel capable of reaching out for friendship. Yet it doesn't feel right to be alone. That unsettled feeling is so difficult to sit with...and it's where I am on most days. I'd like to think things would change at some point, but I don't allow myself the luxury of dreaming things that most likely won't occur.
Maybe one day God will remember me and bless me with close friends. Meanwhile, I sit in the confusion of what step to take next. Do I stand still, going through life alone, or do I try yet again to reach out to people? I feel like a dog waiting for scraps that others discard. I feel unworthy of anything other then the leftovers that others no longer want. Ultimately, I guess I just want to be chosen by someone...to be of value to someone. I tell myself this is a selfish desire but deep down I don't think it is. God gives us the desire for companionship. I cry to God and ask for understanding and grace and mercy but I rarely find it. So I try to deal with the hurt at being denied his blessing. Sometimes I do ok in processing the events of my life. Yet some days are just hard.
It's a difficult and lonely place to be. I hope that those of you who read this aren't in the same place of loneliness and discouragement where I reside. If you do struggle the same way I hope you've found hope to help you through as you wait.
Given the many trials I've had in life, I lowered my expectations of people so I'm less vulnerable and have less risk in terms of relationships. Yet, when I search for something from others (which is usually very minimal, since I ultimately don't think I'm worth other people's time and frienship) I'd say 99% of the time I'm dismissed. I end up in tears again, wondering why others have friendships and communities to rally around them in difficult times and I am not blessed with that. Each time I'm closer and closer to shutting myself off to all relationships around me...because I begin to see the only way to not have any risk at all is to not reach out to others. If I don't reach out then I'm alone, because it's extremely rare for anyone to reach out to me. I'm always having to intrude on a person's life to ask them for their time. More often then not I'm left feeling that I'm not worth their time. So I continue being alone everyday. And it grieves me.
If the Bible is accurate, then God is grieved I'm alone. I'm not just talking about a companion in marriage, although I would be happy one day to have a godly man love me. Many passages point to value of friendships. Based on those, I KNOW we were created for community (with God first, that then is supposed to be expressed in community with others.) I don't want to be alone and isolated, just watching life from the outside. Yet it feels that everything I experience is forcing me to that end. I don't understand why God has neglected me in the natural order of His world, why I'm forced to be alone day after day regardless of what I try to remedy the situation. I feel stuck. Unable to go backwards and unable to move forward. Having unresolved issues with a few people that don't seem interested in reconciliation is hard. Plus, after my last couple unsuccessful attempts to engage in fellowship with various people that I like, I currently don't feel capable of reaching out for friendship. Yet it doesn't feel right to be alone. That unsettled feeling is so difficult to sit with...and it's where I am on most days. I'd like to think things would change at some point, but I don't allow myself the luxury of dreaming things that most likely won't occur.
Maybe one day God will remember me and bless me with close friends. Meanwhile, I sit in the confusion of what step to take next. Do I stand still, going through life alone, or do I try yet again to reach out to people? I feel like a dog waiting for scraps that others discard. I feel unworthy of anything other then the leftovers that others no longer want. Ultimately, I guess I just want to be chosen by someone...to be of value to someone. I tell myself this is a selfish desire but deep down I don't think it is. God gives us the desire for companionship. I cry to God and ask for understanding and grace and mercy but I rarely find it. So I try to deal with the hurt at being denied his blessing. Sometimes I do ok in processing the events of my life. Yet some days are just hard.
It's a difficult and lonely place to be. I hope that those of you who read this aren't in the same place of loneliness and discouragement where I reside. If you do struggle the same way I hope you've found hope to help you through as you wait.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
The Dilemma....
....What to write about!
I have many thoughts swirling in my head. I'm reading 3 great books right now that all could prompt multiple posts:
1- Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. This is co-authored by my former pastor (Tim Lane) and Paul Tripp. Obviously, this book is about relationships. The premise is since human relationships are designed to reflect the community the Trinity has then relationships are worth being involved in and fighting for...
2 - Competent to Counsel by Jay Adams. This is the classic book on biblical counseling. From the beginning I can see the difference in nouthetic counseling, that focuses heavily on sin and biblical counseling of CCEF variety - that seeks to first find the good and suffering in the counselee before addressing sins. (Obviously there are caveats to that, but in general the goal is to first build the helping relationship by developing the sense of togetherness / "we" and acknowledge the hard things in their life before addressing apparent sins.) Still, Jays book has a good foundation for why God and the Bible should be more central in counseling practice.
3 - A Shelter in The Time of Storm - Meditations on God and Trouble by Paul Tripp. This is about suffering of course, expanding and illustrated by Psalm 27.
Then there are posts on life or things from class and other lessons I'm learning OR what I'm confused about. There are the frustrations with how sometimes it seems communities don't want to be faced with a person's suffering. The injustice or shame of being silenced when wanting to share struggles and seek solace or healing through biblical relationships can be hard to swallow...
There's a lot to be shared. I'll just have to wade into things as they come to me and make decisions (yuck!) about when it's time for the posts that have already been in my head for some time. Until I get some of these posts out I'll have to try and be patient...That's hard! Stay tuned for a variety of things that may not seem connected at first. My hope is to tie it all together and show that everything is connected in big ways...ways that matter!
I have many thoughts swirling in my head. I'm reading 3 great books right now that all could prompt multiple posts:
1- Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. This is co-authored by my former pastor (Tim Lane) and Paul Tripp. Obviously, this book is about relationships. The premise is since human relationships are designed to reflect the community the Trinity has then relationships are worth being involved in and fighting for...
2 - Competent to Counsel by Jay Adams. This is the classic book on biblical counseling. From the beginning I can see the difference in nouthetic counseling, that focuses heavily on sin and biblical counseling of CCEF variety - that seeks to first find the good and suffering in the counselee before addressing sins. (Obviously there are caveats to that, but in general the goal is to first build the helping relationship by developing the sense of togetherness / "we" and acknowledge the hard things in their life before addressing apparent sins.) Still, Jays book has a good foundation for why God and the Bible should be more central in counseling practice.
3 - A Shelter in The Time of Storm - Meditations on God and Trouble by Paul Tripp. This is about suffering of course, expanding and illustrated by Psalm 27.
Then there are posts on life or things from class and other lessons I'm learning OR what I'm confused about. There are the frustrations with how sometimes it seems communities don't want to be faced with a person's suffering. The injustice or shame of being silenced when wanting to share struggles and seek solace or healing through biblical relationships can be hard to swallow...
There's a lot to be shared. I'll just have to wade into things as they come to me and make decisions (yuck!) about when it's time for the posts that have already been in my head for some time. Until I get some of these posts out I'll have to try and be patient...That's hard! Stay tuned for a variety of things that may not seem connected at first. My hope is to tie it all together and show that everything is connected in big ways...ways that matter!
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Proverbs 25:11 Words...
The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jewelry.
(I started this post a few years ago but for some reason I can't recall I didn't finish it. I decided to today...)
If there are any fashion conscious women reading I can almost hear you shouting an Amen here.
I have never really been fashion conscious until recently. I spent most of my life trying to hide and be invisible because I was uncomfortable with who I was. I thought everyone else was uncomfortable with me too. In time as my faith has grown I've realized that sometimes reality was hidden from me because of previous traumas. In the past few years it's gotten easier for me to see both the things I like about myself and the things I don't like and try to change them to reflect Christ more.
Back to the subject...
You can have a beautiful piece of jewelry hanging up in one of those fancy jewelry boxes, but if it doesn't match the style and occasion of the other pieces it's full beauty is lost. When an item is custom made it looks like it belongs - almost that you can't imagine it not being there because it matches all aspects of the personality and occasion.
Proverbs goal is to illustrate to us the differences between wise and foolish living. It reminds us of the importance of choices; Just because a word fits the occasion doesn't mean it's the best or wisest one to use. We want to live in a way that draws people to God. At times they may be behaving foolishly. Instead of rushing headfirst into confrontation I'm reminded of some of the things I read and learned in my class about creating a sense of togetherness in relationships. We don't want to speak as a superior talking down to another. We will seek for our words to show the truth in kind ways. We can speak truth with words that are ugly...or with words that are compassionate and understanding...these words are alluring and beautiful, like the well-planned jewelry to compliment an outfit.
To do this we must seek to thoughtfully and carefully pick out words, hoping to heal, love and motivate others, not harm and alienate them. This is something I'm seeking to work on. My recent stresses have lead to frustrations with my kids and I haven't responded as loving and graciously as I should, especially since they look to me as an example. Thankfully we're able to ask forgiveness and work towards more gracious, Christ-like words. It's never too late to acknowledge a struggle and seek to improve in the area.
(I started this post a few years ago but for some reason I can't recall I didn't finish it. I decided to today...)
If there are any fashion conscious women reading I can almost hear you shouting an Amen here.
I have never really been fashion conscious until recently. I spent most of my life trying to hide and be invisible because I was uncomfortable with who I was. I thought everyone else was uncomfortable with me too. In time as my faith has grown I've realized that sometimes reality was hidden from me because of previous traumas. In the past few years it's gotten easier for me to see both the things I like about myself and the things I don't like and try to change them to reflect Christ more.
Back to the subject...
You can have a beautiful piece of jewelry hanging up in one of those fancy jewelry boxes, but if it doesn't match the style and occasion of the other pieces it's full beauty is lost. When an item is custom made it looks like it belongs - almost that you can't imagine it not being there because it matches all aspects of the personality and occasion.
Proverbs goal is to illustrate to us the differences between wise and foolish living. It reminds us of the importance of choices; Just because a word fits the occasion doesn't mean it's the best or wisest one to use. We want to live in a way that draws people to God. At times they may be behaving foolishly. Instead of rushing headfirst into confrontation I'm reminded of some of the things I read and learned in my class about creating a sense of togetherness in relationships. We don't want to speak as a superior talking down to another. We will seek for our words to show the truth in kind ways. We can speak truth with words that are ugly...or with words that are compassionate and understanding...these words are alluring and beautiful, like the well-planned jewelry to compliment an outfit.
To do this we must seek to thoughtfully and carefully pick out words, hoping to heal, love and motivate others, not harm and alienate them. This is something I'm seeking to work on. My recent stresses have lead to frustrations with my kids and I haven't responded as loving and graciously as I should, especially since they look to me as an example. Thankfully we're able to ask forgiveness and work towards more gracious, Christ-like words. It's never too late to acknowledge a struggle and seek to improve in the area.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
My favorite blog...
My post for today is to point you to my favorite blog / organization on the planet! It's run by a former pastor of mine who I highly respect. He has helped me through my struggles the past few years. This blog post is written by my favorite author, Ed Welch. He writes a lot on fear and shame, two subjects that have dominated my life. I just finished Ed's class on Helping Relationships. It was an amazing class!
Check them out. You won't be sorry! I was blessed to go to their yearly conference in October. I will periodically post things I learned from them. Here's the link....
http://www.ccef.org/blog/all-used
Regrettably I don't have time to write about all the thoughts this post prompted....maybe sometime. You're welcome to share your thoughts with me! :)
Check them out. You won't be sorry! I was blessed to go to their yearly conference in October. I will periodically post things I learned from them. Here's the link....
http://www.ccef.org/blog/all-used
Regrettably I don't have time to write about all the thoughts this post prompted....maybe sometime. You're welcome to share your thoughts with me! :)
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
The Importance of Protecting Children - (What I've learned regarding single parenting)
I wrote this post about 9 months ago, but have been so isolated there wasn't really anyone to share it with. I'm posting it now. From the title you might assume it's about the Sandy Hook tragedy. In a roundabout way it may be, because what our children go through do affect their relationships and their future. This is specifically regarding the trials of single parenting and how you can help. I hope it inspires you to make a change in your life, your families life and the lives of others. Please comment and let me know what you think of it!
(I know this is long, please bear with me and let me know whether or not it impacts you. Thanks!)
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My heart is heavy with hearing the pain single mothers endure in their daily life. Ive experienced this pain firsthand in straining to rebuild my life after surviving an abusive relationship although there are many days I don't feel I've actually survived! The daily hardships of greater responsibility, less emotional support and never ending financial difficulties seem overwhelming at times. My heart is heavy with fears concerning my children's (and my) uncertain future. Still, it is not just my children's struggles that cause me to grieve. When asked recently what I would most like to share about my experiences to a audience willing to listen it was this: I am afraid if we don't adequately address problems going on in our families and churches that we will lose the hearts of our daughters and sons resulting in them perpetuating wrong choices likely to end in more failed marriages and broken dreams.
It is a painful place to see dreams crumble and feel helpless to stop it. We all expect and realize disappointment will come in many ways…but few of us ever consider on our wedding day that we will end up dividing everything into two again. There is much confusion and many unanswered questions when a marriage fails. Adults will ask - Was it destined to fail from the start? What did I do wrong? What about the kids? Children will ask - Who is to blame? No one or everyone? Was it me? Imagine how much more the confusion is amplified for children who witness abuse as they come face to face with the fact of their parent's faults.
Children want to feel protected and need to make sense of the only world they've ever known falling apart. Little girls find themselves vulnerable when they want to feel safe. They just want to feel loved but are uncertain about their worth. If they receive love as a direct result of an action they will want to repeat it to continue feeling loved. Little boys also redirect their desire to feel safe to other relationships. They probably have learned strong, negative reactions help them get ahead and succeed more. While they might not want to act like a bully, they will want the results that come with it. We need to do our part to teach our children how to face and stop these patterns as early on as we can.
One way is to teach sons how to treat women. That is an important piece that isn't to be denied. Unfortunately that is not an area I feel as well equipped to discuss. While I know how women want to be treated, I currently don't know how to adequately connect with the way male minds work. I hope in time to learn more about how to communicate clearer to boys and men the ways they can treat us that will help us flourish! On the other side, someone has to teach daughters what actions from men are acceptable and not. I will direct most of my comments towards male members of churches and families since it is the norm for men to be in a leadership role. I am not excluding any females at all from having a part in these thoughts. I'm just directing my thoughts towards the audience I felt didn't comprehend what my children and I really needed in our ordeal. I strongly feel many women would have responded with kindness and help if I'd been able to talk about my situation freely. I will mostly be speaking about daughters, though general principles can apply to raising sons as well. It is not always enough for a family to raise children in a loving environment if not actively engaging them in thoughtful conversations. While many children from abusive homes grow up and find themselves in abusive relationships without trying to, many children from loving, nurturing and thriving homes grow up and end up in abusive relationships, naively trusting visible intentions as good because their experience has taught them that people want the best for them. Not realizing there are manipulative people out there leaves them blind to reality and vulnerable to abusive people.
The lessons our sons and daughters must be taught about healthy relationships have to be internalized by our children and even then may still not prevent these heartaches. Regardless, children must not be left alone to teach themselves what biblical friendships and marriages should be like. At best, we hope for godly parents that are an example of loving relationships demonstrating mutual respect and edification of the other spouse. We hope for children to see constructive ways of resolving conflict and understanding how each partners differences can be assets (not weaknesses) that lend to celebrating a partner's successes even when not directly involved in bringing them about.
At the least, the church must be better prepared to stand up and fill the void when families are missing these qualities. The call is to everyone to be involved. Leaders need to proactively seek out struggling families to start them on a path toward growth and healing before patterns are deeply entrenched. Our church leaders must NOT sit back and wait for people to come ask them for help. While there are people who reach out for help, there are many more families silently bearing great secrets of terrible pain and emotional distress. For whatever reason they don't always come searching for help, but that doesn't mean they need it any less then those who do or that they wouldn't welcome help if asked.
Leaders need to take opportunities in group settings to help parents know appropriate and loving ways to raise children. They need to take similar group opportunities to teach the young ones biblical truth and application. Waiting until a child is old enough to hear it is too late. They see and perceive more lessons from their surroundings then we realize. My daughter realized at a young age that the day after she had heard my ex-husband slamming doors and raking me over the coals verbally that I was a sad mom on edge, wanting to improve on the many faults he'd listed, but feeling as if in an emotional strait-jacket, unable to break through the fears and physically too spent to move faster then a snail's pace. She would draw me pictures and bring me her favorite stuffed animal or blanket…hoping it would fix the pain I felt. When it neared time for him to return from work she would take it on herself (even at the early age of 6) to try to help clean up. Frantically shoving any messes out of sight in hopes he wouldn't see it while I tried to make myself happy he was coming home. I've not asked her if she remembers these things. I've let many conversations go that we should have discussed for fear of stepping over a line. Yet she feels that tension (without my involvement) of questioning her father's actions while still feeling the desire to defend him for them.
If we miss these opportunities when things happen and wait too long to start instructing them in serious matters they can feel condescended to and be unwilling to listen even if they so desperately need to hear it. Young children are inquisitive and willing to be guided. We should capitalize on these qualities and fill them with truth and the tools to discern navigating unpleasant circumstances as soon as possible. In fairly healthy families the church can augment and add credence to the lessons already learned through the family. Sometimes there becomes an age when a child is resistant to guidance from their parents, but listens to other adults or peers. If the church has already taken the time to be involved in the child's life, it is more likely the leaders can still make an impact comparable to the parents. If a child values her peers in a church that is committed to training young children (and so hearing the same wise counsel regarding how relationships fit into a biblical model for life) this is yet another barrier in place to potentially keep them from harm.
Time gets away from us without us realizing it. Like the watch pot that never boils, the family that doesn't actively pursue wise use of time will wake up one day to realize it has already slipped away. It is easy to think of our children as little kids, when in reality they are approaching adulthood, dreaming of their soulmate or planning for college and their future careers. There is no day like today to start interacting with your kids on a deeper level. Children respond well to being treated like mature individuals. When they feel honored and valued they truly begin to open up about the deep issues on their hearts. Instead of trying to keep them the sweet little kids they used to be we must embrace the deepening complexities of their hearts and respond to them with wisdom that can only come from following after God with open hands.
I know it's a tall order to accept responsibility for your own family's future, much less anyone else…but let me share more that may give you pause on how to view church families in crisis…While you may have raised your son or daughter to be a cooperative and loving adult, every parent must acknowledge that their children's spouse may come from a different background. In sitting and talking with friends I have noticed it is becoming rarer to find two partners both raised in a safe and loving Christian environment. This is grievous to me. Many children are ill equipped to deal with all the struggles of life from mundane and minute details to severe traumas or crises that at one time affect everyone. Sons grow up to lead homes. Is your son a godly leader who can command respect without squashing those under his care? Daughters grow up to be wives who desire to support and encourage their husbands without having to give up their dreams. Always keep in your mind when looking at your children that abuse can enter a family in many ways. Don't be complacent in preparing your children for adulthood.
What if it is your daughter who grows up to be in a relationship impacted by one of the many degrading forms of domestic abuse, or other problems such as unlawful drug and excessive alcohol use? These precious daughters not only grow up to be wives, regardless of your views / implementation of principles regarding submission,) they will become leaders as they grow up to be mothers. The nurturing spirit of the mom should be cultivated in many ways in order to provide a family that is effective against the temptations of the world and truly show Christ's love.
The importance of a mother shouldn't be forgotten. This woman has children who grow and have their own children. Many people acknowledge that mothers are the heartbeat of the home. (If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy…) The lessons they learn in childhood are carried with them forever. We want children to desire and learn how to overcome bad lessons and embrace good ones. We all know and agree children are born dependent on us for everything and only in time do they gain independence here and there. When allowed to grow under godly direction these daughters have a better chance to be discerning when a man puts a women down and acts like its a compliment or orders her to perform certain wishes in a callous and selfish way.
If you were sitting here with me right now and I asked, "Do you want your daughters to be mistreated and abused by their husbands?" I suspect you'd all say no. So let that motivate you to do what you can to prevent it, because we all have a part to play. No one can sit back and act like its someone else's job. Some churches pledge during a child's baptism to assist the parent in raising the children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Have you even thought of what those vows really mean? Nurture is the loving, wise counsel of godly truths and ways. A parent or church leader isn't the only one allowed to do that in a child's life. (Men, do you know how to carefully nurture something? Ask for guidance if not.) Admonition is the careful redirecting of one who is straying from the direction of godliness. I stress the word carefully in both areas of guidance and correction, because I know from experience that loving guidance can be quickly undone by harsh correction. Here again, a parent and church leader, while generally having more time with the child, are NOT the only ones with the authority to direct a child when it comes to their spiritual life. Why do we focus our lives on going from activity to activity that our kids want to do, or get involved in many church functions, to the exclusion of sharing our lives with other families and children? Why do so many go to church, sit through the service, chat with those around them and leave for home after the prayer, not to see a single church family until next Sunday at church. Granted, we need to work to support our families and we need to not neglect the needs of our family. Those are good priorities that demonstrate obedience and love. Still, I sense it is at times used as reason to not have to break our of your comfort zone. While not suggesting you stop working and ignore your family I intend to challenge you to involve more people in your inner circle. Just as you've heard before that Christian life isn't one individual against all that's wrong with the world…it is not one family against the world. From the beginning the church has consisted of individuals striving to become a united community so that together more good can be accomplished, more strength is to be displayed and ultimately God gets the credit for bringing a bunch of diverse people together in such a way. Limiting your life to your work, family and activities within your family limits God's ability to use you for his purposes, and this is not just within the church. This only begins to address the issue of going out into the world and finding more families that are struggling and hurting and mentoring / encouraging them to fight against sin and injustice! Think of the families outside the church with no hope, no peace, no real skills or understanding of what's at stake. We have power to make a difference within the church and without.
I weep often when I go to my domestic violence support group and hear almost every lady there talk about the lack of support she received from her church when trying to protect herself and her children. If she begins to think she isn't worth protecting, then how can she bring herself to teach her children they shouldn't be abused? It isn't just disheartening to hear other Christians share similar experiences with their churches but it is frustrating to realize that hurting and confused non-Christians are sitting in the room listening, getting a wrong impression about God based on how churches treat their members in need! We need to wake up and realize our actions aren't limited to those in direct contact with us, but the ripples extend in many directions.
The tears I've shed of loneliness and pain and questioning and doubt can not be swept under the rug forever. My children need to understand what went wrong in my marriage in hopes they won't duplicate it. If the message I get from the church is that it's not a big deal then I question whether I really need to deal with it. For an exhausted single mom living well below the poverty level, things get cut out that aren't a high priority. If she's been treated like her problems aren't a priority she'll give up fighting and just try to get through each day. For children who've already witnessed terrible acts, this apathy is dangerous. Someone needs to encourage her to fight the pain, diligently attack the ingrained bad relationship skills already learned and focus on helping her children grow and heal. Someone needs to be there with answers to her questions or just a willingness to attempt and listen to the unanswerable ones. Empathy has often been an effective tool for the church leader to display when families are in crisis. Loving someone truly means getting down in the muck with them and acting like it's your muck. Acting like it's your responsibility. Believing you are supposed to demonstrate God to this person, even if it hurts you in the process. If you suspect something is not right - if you pick up on the hint of struggle…Don't cover your eyes and ears to ignore their pain and silence their cries. The groaning of a suffering person can be the path to freedom, but the path is long and dark and fraught with terrible peril that can unravel the core of their being at the snap of a twig, especially when traveling the path alone. Reach out to them and be amazed at the strength God gives them through your simple gestures.
I believe if churches realized the ramifications of mishandling these difficult situations of abuse things would change. Maybe you don't yet see a need for diligence in protecting women and children in the church. Again, remember no family is guaranteed freedom from abuse. Your children may not be spared. Your daughter may marry a man who thinks a good church man keeps his wife in line with physical violence because he watched his father hurt his mom and no one ever did anything about it. All of a sudden abuse will have shattered your cocoon and invaded your family from the outside. As a parent I can say that I haven't yet experienced a greater pain like the one of watching my children be abused without being able to adequately protect them. Have you woken up to the seriousness of this issue? There is enough lack of value attributed to women in the world. I have seen men look at women as being created only for their pleasure, and doing so can neglect to cherish the women for her unique God-given differences and skills. It's time for the men and the churches to value women and daughters appropriately and teach their sons how to do so as well. Are you willing to step up your efforts at guiding your children and live up to your church vows to help other families?
What families can do:
- Model a loving and cooperative relationship that values weaknesses as much as strengths to your own family.
- Model the same skills to other Families - Treat every family like it is your own. Look at the little children in the congregation as a potential mate for your children. - Get to know the families in your church. Get to know the children.The pain that happens in childhood can continue for decades if not addressed. Even if that pain isn't present in a child they are still not immune from the effects sin has on relationships.
- Talk about and through rough times in your relationships with your children and other families.
- Tell children what love is not : submission does not mean letting someone walk all over you. Controlling behavior is not a sign you are special. Attacking criticism is not a way to encourage compliance with your demands, etc
- In time, get involved in the community and model the same healthy relationship skills to those struggling and hurting families / individuals you come in contact with.
If you believe someone is being abused, standup and make a fuss. If you're not listened to keep trying. Be a friend and advocate for that women or child.
Don't stand by if you suspect something is amiss in a family. Secrets lead to fear and shame and eventually doubts of love, God and community. Speak out about your concerns and if anyone dismisses them keep speaking out until you're heard. The suffering often are too weak to cry out, expending all their energy on just surviving. They need someone willing to do it for them. (To be their Aaron who holds up their arms in the fight so they can win)
What churches can do:
- Keep an eye out for families that are struggling, to help with spiritual, emotional and practical needs.
- Discuss unfair treatment of women in the bible - what it means, how to spot it, how it can be dealt with and so on. Make it known that the church doesn't tolerate hurting women and children. People will be listening and ready to help.
- Take care of the single parent families. It's more difficult then you can imagine. The most lonely road I've ever been on…and a seemingly never-ending one.
- Focus on teaching children more then just Bible stories. We are most certainly to teach children about the miracles in the Bible. Those great stories that open our eyes to the wonders of God's love…but let's not forget God is in all of life, not just miracles. Many children realize in time that miracles are rare these days. If all they know are miracles from the Bible then it loses relevance to them. The children come to a day when they can't find God in everyday life because no one showed them how to find him there and he seems powerless to help them. There is nothing as discouraging as wanting God to be a caring, powerful entity and feeling like He's not (and not even there!)
In my own life, i weep for the time i've lost already to teach my daughters the lessons they need to know about relationships. I feel almost as lost and inadequate to teach them as I do my son. How I wish they could lose the memories of shouting, spiteful words, hurling objects and destroyed belongings they witnessed from an early age. All my children currently verbalize or act out that the person with the most power who knows how to use it is the one who wins. While most moments they are wonderfully kind and considerate children who love to help others, when they aren't getting their way they quickly revert to trying to be the most powerful to win. It is painful to watch my children perpetuate these lessons.
How fervently I pray that in time they don't adapt those behaviors as normal ways of treating people they love. I do not want my daughter's to be victims nor my son to be a perpetrator of violence or abuse. Somewhere, somehow, it must stop! Adults need to know how to treat each other. Adults need to know how to treat their kids and other kids. Kids need to know how to treat other kids. (Many families stop there.) Children need to learn how to expand lessons of sharing toys and being nice we teach them as toddlers to more sophisticated circumstances. We need to stand up together as a community and work to a common goal of truly training our children in the way they should go.
If you're a mother who's gone through an abusive relationship, know that it's never too late to teach your children about healthier relationships. It can be scary and tricky to wade into the past with personal examples that could put your former spouse in a bad light. It must be carefully and delicately handled. That is why it's best to have the involvement of other families and churches to help you teach these lessons in a less stressful, controversial way. If you are / were in a church that didn't understand your struggle and didn't give you the support you needed don't give up finding some way to help your children. All too often women get out of abusive relationships thinking they've protected their children only to realize years down the road the kids had already internalized lessons of power and control being the way to get happiness and no one had systematically helped them unlearn those bad lessons. Never give up on helping your children. God will give you the strength, even if you walk the road alone. God is near to the brokenhearted. He knows all the tears you've cried. He will help your scars heal. I can speak to the times I wasn't even sure he was there with me anymore, or whether or not he ever was. There are times I was sure he was gone. Times I felt maybe he was never with me. Surely a perfect, loving God wouldn't want me to be in pain unless I wasn't worth anything to Him. Crushing loneliness with each step threatened to end me. I've barely hung on for many days. Yet, Jeremiah says you will find him when you seek him with all your heart. So continually search for him and day by day you will get through the challenges and fears and pain and loneliness. Someday the clouds will wander away and the sky will be brighter, your steps will be lighter and you may even find yourself laughing again. Though it may not happen in this situation in your lifetime, mercy and justice will kiss and all will be right in the end.
(I know this is long, please bear with me and let me know whether or not it impacts you. Thanks!)
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My heart is heavy with hearing the pain single mothers endure in their daily life. Ive experienced this pain firsthand in straining to rebuild my life after surviving an abusive relationship although there are many days I don't feel I've actually survived! The daily hardships of greater responsibility, less emotional support and never ending financial difficulties seem overwhelming at times. My heart is heavy with fears concerning my children's (and my) uncertain future. Still, it is not just my children's struggles that cause me to grieve. When asked recently what I would most like to share about my experiences to a audience willing to listen it was this: I am afraid if we don't adequately address problems going on in our families and churches that we will lose the hearts of our daughters and sons resulting in them perpetuating wrong choices likely to end in more failed marriages and broken dreams.
It is a painful place to see dreams crumble and feel helpless to stop it. We all expect and realize disappointment will come in many ways…but few of us ever consider on our wedding day that we will end up dividing everything into two again. There is much confusion and many unanswered questions when a marriage fails. Adults will ask - Was it destined to fail from the start? What did I do wrong? What about the kids? Children will ask - Who is to blame? No one or everyone? Was it me? Imagine how much more the confusion is amplified for children who witness abuse as they come face to face with the fact of their parent's faults.
Children want to feel protected and need to make sense of the only world they've ever known falling apart. Little girls find themselves vulnerable when they want to feel safe. They just want to feel loved but are uncertain about their worth. If they receive love as a direct result of an action they will want to repeat it to continue feeling loved. Little boys also redirect their desire to feel safe to other relationships. They probably have learned strong, negative reactions help them get ahead and succeed more. While they might not want to act like a bully, they will want the results that come with it. We need to do our part to teach our children how to face and stop these patterns as early on as we can.
One way is to teach sons how to treat women. That is an important piece that isn't to be denied. Unfortunately that is not an area I feel as well equipped to discuss. While I know how women want to be treated, I currently don't know how to adequately connect with the way male minds work. I hope in time to learn more about how to communicate clearer to boys and men the ways they can treat us that will help us flourish! On the other side, someone has to teach daughters what actions from men are acceptable and not. I will direct most of my comments towards male members of churches and families since it is the norm for men to be in a leadership role. I am not excluding any females at all from having a part in these thoughts. I'm just directing my thoughts towards the audience I felt didn't comprehend what my children and I really needed in our ordeal. I strongly feel many women would have responded with kindness and help if I'd been able to talk about my situation freely. I will mostly be speaking about daughters, though general principles can apply to raising sons as well. It is not always enough for a family to raise children in a loving environment if not actively engaging them in thoughtful conversations. While many children from abusive homes grow up and find themselves in abusive relationships without trying to, many children from loving, nurturing and thriving homes grow up and end up in abusive relationships, naively trusting visible intentions as good because their experience has taught them that people want the best for them. Not realizing there are manipulative people out there leaves them blind to reality and vulnerable to abusive people.
The lessons our sons and daughters must be taught about healthy relationships have to be internalized by our children and even then may still not prevent these heartaches. Regardless, children must not be left alone to teach themselves what biblical friendships and marriages should be like. At best, we hope for godly parents that are an example of loving relationships demonstrating mutual respect and edification of the other spouse. We hope for children to see constructive ways of resolving conflict and understanding how each partners differences can be assets (not weaknesses) that lend to celebrating a partner's successes even when not directly involved in bringing them about.
At the least, the church must be better prepared to stand up and fill the void when families are missing these qualities. The call is to everyone to be involved. Leaders need to proactively seek out struggling families to start them on a path toward growth and healing before patterns are deeply entrenched. Our church leaders must NOT sit back and wait for people to come ask them for help. While there are people who reach out for help, there are many more families silently bearing great secrets of terrible pain and emotional distress. For whatever reason they don't always come searching for help, but that doesn't mean they need it any less then those who do or that they wouldn't welcome help if asked.
Leaders need to take opportunities in group settings to help parents know appropriate and loving ways to raise children. They need to take similar group opportunities to teach the young ones biblical truth and application. Waiting until a child is old enough to hear it is too late. They see and perceive more lessons from their surroundings then we realize. My daughter realized at a young age that the day after she had heard my ex-husband slamming doors and raking me over the coals verbally that I was a sad mom on edge, wanting to improve on the many faults he'd listed, but feeling as if in an emotional strait-jacket, unable to break through the fears and physically too spent to move faster then a snail's pace. She would draw me pictures and bring me her favorite stuffed animal or blanket…hoping it would fix the pain I felt. When it neared time for him to return from work she would take it on herself (even at the early age of 6) to try to help clean up. Frantically shoving any messes out of sight in hopes he wouldn't see it while I tried to make myself happy he was coming home. I've not asked her if she remembers these things. I've let many conversations go that we should have discussed for fear of stepping over a line. Yet she feels that tension (without my involvement) of questioning her father's actions while still feeling the desire to defend him for them.
If we miss these opportunities when things happen and wait too long to start instructing them in serious matters they can feel condescended to and be unwilling to listen even if they so desperately need to hear it. Young children are inquisitive and willing to be guided. We should capitalize on these qualities and fill them with truth and the tools to discern navigating unpleasant circumstances as soon as possible. In fairly healthy families the church can augment and add credence to the lessons already learned through the family. Sometimes there becomes an age when a child is resistant to guidance from their parents, but listens to other adults or peers. If the church has already taken the time to be involved in the child's life, it is more likely the leaders can still make an impact comparable to the parents. If a child values her peers in a church that is committed to training young children (and so hearing the same wise counsel regarding how relationships fit into a biblical model for life) this is yet another barrier in place to potentially keep them from harm.
Time gets away from us without us realizing it. Like the watch pot that never boils, the family that doesn't actively pursue wise use of time will wake up one day to realize it has already slipped away. It is easy to think of our children as little kids, when in reality they are approaching adulthood, dreaming of their soulmate or planning for college and their future careers. There is no day like today to start interacting with your kids on a deeper level. Children respond well to being treated like mature individuals. When they feel honored and valued they truly begin to open up about the deep issues on their hearts. Instead of trying to keep them the sweet little kids they used to be we must embrace the deepening complexities of their hearts and respond to them with wisdom that can only come from following after God with open hands.
I know it's a tall order to accept responsibility for your own family's future, much less anyone else…but let me share more that may give you pause on how to view church families in crisis…While you may have raised your son or daughter to be a cooperative and loving adult, every parent must acknowledge that their children's spouse may come from a different background. In sitting and talking with friends I have noticed it is becoming rarer to find two partners both raised in a safe and loving Christian environment. This is grievous to me. Many children are ill equipped to deal with all the struggles of life from mundane and minute details to severe traumas or crises that at one time affect everyone. Sons grow up to lead homes. Is your son a godly leader who can command respect without squashing those under his care? Daughters grow up to be wives who desire to support and encourage their husbands without having to give up their dreams. Always keep in your mind when looking at your children that abuse can enter a family in many ways. Don't be complacent in preparing your children for adulthood.
What if it is your daughter who grows up to be in a relationship impacted by one of the many degrading forms of domestic abuse, or other problems such as unlawful drug and excessive alcohol use? These precious daughters not only grow up to be wives, regardless of your views / implementation of principles regarding submission,) they will become leaders as they grow up to be mothers. The nurturing spirit of the mom should be cultivated in many ways in order to provide a family that is effective against the temptations of the world and truly show Christ's love.
The importance of a mother shouldn't be forgotten. This woman has children who grow and have their own children. Many people acknowledge that mothers are the heartbeat of the home. (If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy…) The lessons they learn in childhood are carried with them forever. We want children to desire and learn how to overcome bad lessons and embrace good ones. We all know and agree children are born dependent on us for everything and only in time do they gain independence here and there. When allowed to grow under godly direction these daughters have a better chance to be discerning when a man puts a women down and acts like its a compliment or orders her to perform certain wishes in a callous and selfish way.
If you were sitting here with me right now and I asked, "Do you want your daughters to be mistreated and abused by their husbands?" I suspect you'd all say no. So let that motivate you to do what you can to prevent it, because we all have a part to play. No one can sit back and act like its someone else's job. Some churches pledge during a child's baptism to assist the parent in raising the children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Have you even thought of what those vows really mean? Nurture is the loving, wise counsel of godly truths and ways. A parent or church leader isn't the only one allowed to do that in a child's life. (Men, do you know how to carefully nurture something? Ask for guidance if not.) Admonition is the careful redirecting of one who is straying from the direction of godliness. I stress the word carefully in both areas of guidance and correction, because I know from experience that loving guidance can be quickly undone by harsh correction. Here again, a parent and church leader, while generally having more time with the child, are NOT the only ones with the authority to direct a child when it comes to their spiritual life. Why do we focus our lives on going from activity to activity that our kids want to do, or get involved in many church functions, to the exclusion of sharing our lives with other families and children? Why do so many go to church, sit through the service, chat with those around them and leave for home after the prayer, not to see a single church family until next Sunday at church. Granted, we need to work to support our families and we need to not neglect the needs of our family. Those are good priorities that demonstrate obedience and love. Still, I sense it is at times used as reason to not have to break our of your comfort zone. While not suggesting you stop working and ignore your family I intend to challenge you to involve more people in your inner circle. Just as you've heard before that Christian life isn't one individual against all that's wrong with the world…it is not one family against the world. From the beginning the church has consisted of individuals striving to become a united community so that together more good can be accomplished, more strength is to be displayed and ultimately God gets the credit for bringing a bunch of diverse people together in such a way. Limiting your life to your work, family and activities within your family limits God's ability to use you for his purposes, and this is not just within the church. This only begins to address the issue of going out into the world and finding more families that are struggling and hurting and mentoring / encouraging them to fight against sin and injustice! Think of the families outside the church with no hope, no peace, no real skills or understanding of what's at stake. We have power to make a difference within the church and without.
I weep often when I go to my domestic violence support group and hear almost every lady there talk about the lack of support she received from her church when trying to protect herself and her children. If she begins to think she isn't worth protecting, then how can she bring herself to teach her children they shouldn't be abused? It isn't just disheartening to hear other Christians share similar experiences with their churches but it is frustrating to realize that hurting and confused non-Christians are sitting in the room listening, getting a wrong impression about God based on how churches treat their members in need! We need to wake up and realize our actions aren't limited to those in direct contact with us, but the ripples extend in many directions.
The tears I've shed of loneliness and pain and questioning and doubt can not be swept under the rug forever. My children need to understand what went wrong in my marriage in hopes they won't duplicate it. If the message I get from the church is that it's not a big deal then I question whether I really need to deal with it. For an exhausted single mom living well below the poverty level, things get cut out that aren't a high priority. If she's been treated like her problems aren't a priority she'll give up fighting and just try to get through each day. For children who've already witnessed terrible acts, this apathy is dangerous. Someone needs to encourage her to fight the pain, diligently attack the ingrained bad relationship skills already learned and focus on helping her children grow and heal. Someone needs to be there with answers to her questions or just a willingness to attempt and listen to the unanswerable ones. Empathy has often been an effective tool for the church leader to display when families are in crisis. Loving someone truly means getting down in the muck with them and acting like it's your muck. Acting like it's your responsibility. Believing you are supposed to demonstrate God to this person, even if it hurts you in the process. If you suspect something is not right - if you pick up on the hint of struggle…Don't cover your eyes and ears to ignore their pain and silence their cries. The groaning of a suffering person can be the path to freedom, but the path is long and dark and fraught with terrible peril that can unravel the core of their being at the snap of a twig, especially when traveling the path alone. Reach out to them and be amazed at the strength God gives them through your simple gestures.
I believe if churches realized the ramifications of mishandling these difficult situations of abuse things would change. Maybe you don't yet see a need for diligence in protecting women and children in the church. Again, remember no family is guaranteed freedom from abuse. Your children may not be spared. Your daughter may marry a man who thinks a good church man keeps his wife in line with physical violence because he watched his father hurt his mom and no one ever did anything about it. All of a sudden abuse will have shattered your cocoon and invaded your family from the outside. As a parent I can say that I haven't yet experienced a greater pain like the one of watching my children be abused without being able to adequately protect them. Have you woken up to the seriousness of this issue? There is enough lack of value attributed to women in the world. I have seen men look at women as being created only for their pleasure, and doing so can neglect to cherish the women for her unique God-given differences and skills. It's time for the men and the churches to value women and daughters appropriately and teach their sons how to do so as well. Are you willing to step up your efforts at guiding your children and live up to your church vows to help other families?
What families can do:
- Model a loving and cooperative relationship that values weaknesses as much as strengths to your own family.
- Model the same skills to other Families - Treat every family like it is your own. Look at the little children in the congregation as a potential mate for your children. - Get to know the families in your church. Get to know the children.The pain that happens in childhood can continue for decades if not addressed. Even if that pain isn't present in a child they are still not immune from the effects sin has on relationships.
- Talk about and through rough times in your relationships with your children and other families.
- Tell children what love is not : submission does not mean letting someone walk all over you. Controlling behavior is not a sign you are special. Attacking criticism is not a way to encourage compliance with your demands, etc
- In time, get involved in the community and model the same healthy relationship skills to those struggling and hurting families / individuals you come in contact with.
If you believe someone is being abused, standup and make a fuss. If you're not listened to keep trying. Be a friend and advocate for that women or child.
Don't stand by if you suspect something is amiss in a family. Secrets lead to fear and shame and eventually doubts of love, God and community. Speak out about your concerns and if anyone dismisses them keep speaking out until you're heard. The suffering often are too weak to cry out, expending all their energy on just surviving. They need someone willing to do it for them. (To be their Aaron who holds up their arms in the fight so they can win)
What churches can do:
- Keep an eye out for families that are struggling, to help with spiritual, emotional and practical needs.
- Discuss unfair treatment of women in the bible - what it means, how to spot it, how it can be dealt with and so on. Make it known that the church doesn't tolerate hurting women and children. People will be listening and ready to help.
- Take care of the single parent families. It's more difficult then you can imagine. The most lonely road I've ever been on…and a seemingly never-ending one.
- Focus on teaching children more then just Bible stories. We are most certainly to teach children about the miracles in the Bible. Those great stories that open our eyes to the wonders of God's love…but let's not forget God is in all of life, not just miracles. Many children realize in time that miracles are rare these days. If all they know are miracles from the Bible then it loses relevance to them. The children come to a day when they can't find God in everyday life because no one showed them how to find him there and he seems powerless to help them. There is nothing as discouraging as wanting God to be a caring, powerful entity and feeling like He's not (and not even there!)
In my own life, i weep for the time i've lost already to teach my daughters the lessons they need to know about relationships. I feel almost as lost and inadequate to teach them as I do my son. How I wish they could lose the memories of shouting, spiteful words, hurling objects and destroyed belongings they witnessed from an early age. All my children currently verbalize or act out that the person with the most power who knows how to use it is the one who wins. While most moments they are wonderfully kind and considerate children who love to help others, when they aren't getting their way they quickly revert to trying to be the most powerful to win. It is painful to watch my children perpetuate these lessons.
How fervently I pray that in time they don't adapt those behaviors as normal ways of treating people they love. I do not want my daughter's to be victims nor my son to be a perpetrator of violence or abuse. Somewhere, somehow, it must stop! Adults need to know how to treat each other. Adults need to know how to treat their kids and other kids. Kids need to know how to treat other kids. (Many families stop there.) Children need to learn how to expand lessons of sharing toys and being nice we teach them as toddlers to more sophisticated circumstances. We need to stand up together as a community and work to a common goal of truly training our children in the way they should go.
If you're a mother who's gone through an abusive relationship, know that it's never too late to teach your children about healthier relationships. It can be scary and tricky to wade into the past with personal examples that could put your former spouse in a bad light. It must be carefully and delicately handled. That is why it's best to have the involvement of other families and churches to help you teach these lessons in a less stressful, controversial way. If you are / were in a church that didn't understand your struggle and didn't give you the support you needed don't give up finding some way to help your children. All too often women get out of abusive relationships thinking they've protected their children only to realize years down the road the kids had already internalized lessons of power and control being the way to get happiness and no one had systematically helped them unlearn those bad lessons. Never give up on helping your children. God will give you the strength, even if you walk the road alone. God is near to the brokenhearted. He knows all the tears you've cried. He will help your scars heal. I can speak to the times I wasn't even sure he was there with me anymore, or whether or not he ever was. There are times I was sure he was gone. Times I felt maybe he was never with me. Surely a perfect, loving God wouldn't want me to be in pain unless I wasn't worth anything to Him. Crushing loneliness with each step threatened to end me. I've barely hung on for many days. Yet, Jeremiah says you will find him when you seek him with all your heart. So continually search for him and day by day you will get through the challenges and fears and pain and loneliness. Someday the clouds will wander away and the sky will be brighter, your steps will be lighter and you may even find yourself laughing again. Though it may not happen in this situation in your lifetime, mercy and justice will kiss and all will be right in the end.
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Reviving my blog - I hope!
I'm hoping to get back into blogging a couple times a week. I stopped blogging to focus on my children and a couple challenging relationships. In October of 2010 I went through a dark time where I felt I was lost in the wilderness. Yet I found a shelter figuratively and literally the 4 months the children and I were in a domestic violence shelter. It was the most edifying place and organization I've ever been involved with! The previous 8 posts I just uploaded came from my journal during that time frame...I would love it if you had time to go back and check some of my previous posts. If you're pressed for time ones to definitely check out now are these:
The original purpose of this blog
A celtic traditional on storms
If you like poems, here's one to read
On entering the shelter
From the Valley of Vision, Thoughts on a classic prayer
(I hope you come back to read the others later! There are only 29 posts total!!!)
My goals for getting back into blogging are to chronicle my thoughts on relationships from many different angles and situations: whether friendships, informal counseling, professional counseling and even including thoughts on spiritual responsibilities laypeople and church leaders have to other Christians and non Christians! I would love to hear everyone's thoughts, experiences, questions and so on. I may be able to incorporate some of them in my writing! I hope this can be a place for support, discussion and learning for all of us as we journey through life. Thanks for stopping by!
The original purpose of this blog
A celtic traditional on storms
If you like poems, here's one to read
On entering the shelter
From the Valley of Vision, Thoughts on a classic prayer
(I hope you come back to read the others later! There are only 29 posts total!!!)
My goals for getting back into blogging are to chronicle my thoughts on relationships from many different angles and situations: whether friendships, informal counseling, professional counseling and even including thoughts on spiritual responsibilities laypeople and church leaders have to other Christians and non Christians! I would love to hear everyone's thoughts, experiences, questions and so on. I may be able to incorporate some of them in my writing! I hope this can be a place for support, discussion and learning for all of us as we journey through life. Thanks for stopping by!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Last Day at the Shelter - Day 124
I've not kept up with my journal and posting. The events I've been through have been challenging and draining. Most of the time passed in a blur and the end snuck up on me because today my life changes again as I start a new journey!
Today I woke up and made 50 servings of my famous French Toast for my favorite lady friends! I am sad that today I say bye to some of the best friends I've ever made - some I will never see again - it is truly losing a family. The support and encouragement I've received at the domestic violence shelter has been a blessing from God. I'll be homeless for a bit, bouncing around staying at homes of friends willing to take the kids and I in. I'm nervous about what's in store. While I continue going to church my faith is barely noticeable, due to interactions with people and organizations that I sought help from who turned away from my cries. I'm leaving my home today and I'm very sad. I am puzzled as to how God can redeem this situation. I will try to believe that He will somehow...
Today I woke up and made 50 servings of my famous French Toast for my favorite lady friends! I am sad that today I say bye to some of the best friends I've ever made - some I will never see again - it is truly losing a family. The support and encouragement I've received at the domestic violence shelter has been a blessing from God. I'll be homeless for a bit, bouncing around staying at homes of friends willing to take the kids and I in. I'm nervous about what's in store. While I continue going to church my faith is barely noticeable, due to interactions with people and organizations that I sought help from who turned away from my cries. I'm leaving my home today and I'm very sad. I am puzzled as to how God can redeem this situation. I will try to believe that He will somehow...
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Sunday Reflection - Day 31
Purification (from Valley of Vision)
Lord Jesus, I sin. Grant that I may never cease grieving because of it, never be content with myself, never think I can reach a point of perfection. Kill my envy, command my tongue, trample down self. Give me grace to be holy, kind, gentle, pure, peaceable, to live for Thee and not for self, to copy Thy words, acts, spirit, to be transformed into Thy likeness, to be consecrated wholly to Thee, to live entirely to Thy glory.
Deliver me from attachment to things unclean, from wrong associations, from the predominance of evil passions, from the sugar of sin as well as its gap; that with self-loathing, deep contrition, earnest heart searching I may come to Thee, cast myself on Thee, trust in Thee, cry to Thee, be delivered by Thee.
O God, the Eternal All, help me to know that all things are shadows, but Thou art substance, all things are quicksands, but Thou art mountain, all things are shifting, but Thou art anchor, all things are ignorance, but Thou art wisdom.
If my life is to be a crucible amid burning heat, so be it, but do Thou sit at the furnace mouth to watch the ore that nothing be lost. If I sin willfully, grievously, tormentedly, in grace take away my mourning and give me music; remove my sackcloth and clothe me with beauty; still my sighs and fill my mouth with song, then give me summer weather as a Christian.
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This one reminds me of my goal, stated more eloquently then I can - to sum it up: To be aware of who I am, aware of what I need and aware that God is the one in control. I pray that He is as careful with me as He needs to be. It is hard to be in the fire. I think am glad that I am aware of my struggles and not blind to them and therefore unwilling to work on overcoming them.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Running the Race - Day 23 part 2
Today one of my friends came and picked me up for an 8.5 mile race. This is the same friend who did a 10 mile race with me in October. We drove south of town to a pecan grove. It was SOO awesome. I took pictures. Maybe I'll try to figure out how to load pictures here into the blog at some point. I wasn't sure I'd be able to run the whole way without stopping. This is a good metaphor for my life. I never know anymore whether I'm going to make it. I lose hope and confidence fast. I was a great runner in jr high and high school. I was asked to joing the track team a year early because I was good...but even back then I doubted myself. I ran because I liked it. Back then I didn't have too much of a competitive spirit. I did some, and I strategically planned some of my races and did well...but I really ran to stay away from the home and the abuse that waited for me there. Maybe that was it...I ran because I needed to run away. I've always seemed to be running for something. I still feel like that at times. Maybe it is part of the avoidant personality I have. However, I am seeking to get to a healthier place...and I believe if I work at it I can get there. I wonder whether it is appropriate to be here. I can't remember who said it to me...but someone told me I wasn't running away from abuse...but I was running to something else. So I'm trying to choose that.
But I still feel like what I am doing is running away and hiding. I wish this was all in my head. I wish there wasn't this certainty that I haven't been safe...this nagging feeling that if I leave I will be thrown back into it. I have this fear that 4 months isn't going to be enough to protect me from all the danger I face from others and myself. But today I chose to wake up and go run. It was a fun race and I kept up with my friend for about 3 miles (last month she dropped me about 3 minutes into the race because I wasn't in shape having not trained.) I still actually haven't trained. I've only run about 1 day a week since coming to the shelter. It is too hard to fit it in...but on those days when it's worked I've gone long. I figure might as well capitalize on the opportunity. So today was a good day. I ran the whole 8.5 miles without walking. I did stop at 2 water stations to get water. That was a HUGE moment for me pyschologically....during races, whenever I stop to drink water or walk that is usually the end. From that point on I can't fight the doubts and I start walking more then running. This time I started back each time! And at about mile 6 I realized I'm not really having a hard time breathing and though my legs are tired I can do this. I ran those last 2.5 miles faster then any of the others. In running speak I made 7 "kills" - meaning I passed 7 people...I usually only pass 1 or 2. In the end I finished with a good pace. I finished 5 minutes behind my friend. A big improvement because last month I finished 25 minutes behind her!
(I celebrated later by taking the bus to one of my favorite places to eat - Chick-fil-A - to get food and a milkshake. I earned it burning off all those calories right? I mostly rested all day and tried to not get too stressed about church.
One thing I hope will happen to me in my real life is that I can finish well. For some strange reason - despite how much I struggle during races - I have energy at the end. I get near the finish and I just automatically go faster. I kicked it hard at the end and was getting lots of cheers from the surrounding people demonstrating how impressed they were that I was sprinting at the end of 8.5 miles. Maybe, despite (or in spite of?) all the pain I seem to constantly face, when I get to the end of my life - maybe I'll be able to kick it and go out strong. I hope God will give me the grace to persevere. Hope.
I want to write a bit more - but we must schedule computer time at the shelter and I've run out :(
A Saturday Reflection - (Day 23)
Jenna's favorite Christian Artist is Indie singer JJ Heller..This new song of hers really hits me.
“He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed
And she says…
Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means
He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”
Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I…”
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I…”
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew”
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew”
Sigh.
That is my life...waiting for someone to love me. I know God does. I
often feel He is the only one. That this world He created where we are
supposed to have small glimpses of heaven (some of that through
realtionships) NEVER comes for me.
It feels like too much to hope for, so I am gearing up for a life of being alone. I think it will be ok. Maybe.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Valley of Vision Meditation (Day 22)
From the Valley of Vision -
This is the one I read and prayed over last Sunday morning before heading to church and having to face a confrontation with someone.
TRUE RELIGION
Lord God Almighty,
I ask not to be enrolled amongst the earthly great and rich,
but to be numbered with the spiritually blessed.
Make it my present, supreme, persevering concern,
to obtain those blessings which are
spiritual in their nature,
eternal in their continuance,
satisfying in their possession.
Preserve me from a false estimate of the whole or a part of my character;
May I pay regard to my principles as well as my conduct,
my motives as wells as my actions.
Help me never to mistake the excite- ment of my passions,
for the renewing of the Holy Spirit,
never to judge my religion by occasional impressions and im- pulses, but by my constant and prevailing disposition.
May my heart be right with thee, and my life as becometh the gospel.
May I maintain a supreme regard to another and better world,
and feel and confess myself a stranger and a pilgrim here.
Afford me all the direction, defence, support, and consolation
my journey hence requires,
and grant me a mind stayed upon thee.
Give me a large abundance of the supply of the Spirit of Jesus,
that I may be prepared for every duty,
love thee in all my mercies,
submit to thee in every trial,
trust thee when waiting in darkness,
have peace in thee amidst life's changes.
Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief and uncertainties.
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This is my prayer, that I focus on eternal things, not be deceived, be given exactly what I need from God to get through each day and that I have a mind stayed on Him...that is probably my biggest struggle - to not be wrapped up in sadness and pain and think He isn't there, or be discouraged that I don't find him in it.
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