Running the Race - Day 23 part 2

Today one of my friends came and picked me up for an 8.5 mile race. This is the same friend who did a 10 mile race with me in October. We drove south of town to a pecan grove. It was SOO awesome. I took pictures. Maybe I'll try to figure out how to load pictures here into the blog at some point. I wasn't sure I'd be able to run the whole way without stopping. This is a good metaphor for my life. I never know anymore whether I'm going to make it. I lose hope and confidence fast. I was a great runner in jr high and high school. I was asked to joing the track team a year early because I was good...but even back then I doubted myself. I ran because I liked it. Back then I didn't have too much of a competitive spirit. I did some, and I strategically planned some of my races and did well...but I really ran to stay away from the home and the abuse that waited for me there. Maybe that was it...I ran because I needed to run away. I've always seemed to be running for something. I still feel like that at times. Maybe it is part of the avoidant personality I have. However, I am seeking to get to a healthier place...and I believe if I work at it I can get there. I wonder whether it is appropriate to be here. I can't remember who said it to me...but someone told me I wasn't running away from abuse...but I was running to something else. So I'm trying to choose that.

But I still feel like what I am doing is running away and hiding. I wish this was all in my head. I wish there wasn't this certainty that I haven't been safe...this nagging feeling that if I leave I will be thrown back into it. I have this fear that 4 months isn't going to be enough to protect me from all the danger I face from others and myself. But today I chose to wake up and go run. It was a fun race and I kept up with my friend for about 3 miles (last month she dropped me about 3 minutes into the race because I wasn't in shape having not trained.) I still actually haven't trained. I've only run about 1 day a week since coming to the shelter. It is too hard to fit it in...but on those days when it's worked I've gone long. I figure might as well capitalize on the opportunity. So today was a good day. I ran the whole 8.5 miles without walking. I did stop at 2 water stations to get water. That was a HUGE moment for me pyschologically....during races, whenever I stop to drink water or walk that is usually the end. From that point on I can't fight the doubts and I start walking more then running. This time I started back each time! And at about mile 6 I realized I'm not really having a hard time breathing and though my legs are tired I can do this. I ran those last 2.5 miles faster then any of the others. In running speak I made 7 "kills" - meaning I passed 7 people...I usually only pass 1 or 2. In the end I finished with a good pace. I finished 5 minutes behind my friend. A big improvement because last month I finished 25 minutes behind her!

(I celebrated later by taking the bus to one of my favorite places to eat - Chick-fil-A - to get food and a milkshake. I earned it burning off all those calories right? I mostly rested all day and tried to not get too stressed about church.

One thing I hope will happen to me in my real life is that I can finish well. For some strange reason - despite how much I struggle during races - I have energy at the end. I get near the finish and I just automatically go faster. I kicked it hard at the end and was getting lots of cheers from the surrounding people demonstrating how impressed they were that I was sprinting at the end of 8.5 miles. Maybe, despite (or in spite of?) all the pain I seem to constantly face, when I get to the end of my life - maybe I'll be able to kick it and go out strong. I hope God will give me the grace to persevere. Hope.

I want to write a bit more - but we must schedule computer time at the shelter and I've run out :(