Busy, Busy...

I have a lot of posts tumbling in my head...but haven't had much time to start working on them. Things are full steam ahead with the new year at work and kid's school....plus my online class that just started last week...I'll be back soon with more posts. Stay tuned...

In the meantime, here is a song that sums up much of my life...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-METBrlP3xU&sns=em

Worn - lyrics by Tenth Avenue North
I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing

I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too week
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven so come and fluid my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn

Discouragement

I have lived a great portion of my life at different depths of discouragement. Currently I'm pretty low. Many events have happened to steal any hope I had gained back. I don't know how to continue dealing with loneliness effectively. I know God doesn't want us to be alone. Our need and responsibility to share our lives with others is displayed all over scripture.

Given the many trials I've had in life, I lowered my expectations of people so I'm less vulnerable and have less risk in terms of relationships. Yet, when I search for something from others (which is usually very minimal, since I ultimately don't think I'm worth other people's time and frienship) I'd say 99% of the time I'm dismissed. I end up in tears again, wondering why others have friendships and communities to rally around them in difficult times and I am not blessed with that. Each time I'm closer and closer to shutting myself off to all relationships around me...because I begin to see the only way to not have any risk at all is to not reach out to others. If I don't reach out then I'm alone, because it's extremely rare for anyone to reach out to me. I'm always having to intrude on a person's life to ask them for their time. More often then not I'm left feeling that I'm not worth their time. So I continue being alone everyday. And it grieves me.

If the Bible is accurate, then God is grieved I'm alone. I'm not just talking about a companion in marriage, although I would be happy one day to have a godly man love me. Many passages point to value of friendships. Based on those, I KNOW we were created for community (with God first, that then is supposed to be expressed in community with others.) I don't want to be alone and isolated, just watching life from the outside. Yet it feels that everything I experience is forcing me to that end. I don't understand why God has neglected me in the natural order of His world, why I'm forced to be alone day after day regardless of what I try to remedy the situation. I feel stuck. Unable to go backwards and unable to move forward. Having unresolved issues with a few people that don't seem interested in reconciliation is hard. Plus, after my last couple unsuccessful attempts to engage in fellowship with various people that I like, I currently don't feel capable of reaching out for friendship. Yet it doesn't feel right to be alone. That unsettled feeling is so difficult to sit with...and it's where I am on most days. I'd like to think things would change at some point, but I don't allow myself the luxury of dreaming things that most likely won't occur.

Maybe one day God will remember me and bless me with close friends. Meanwhile, I sit in the confusion of what step to take next. Do I stand still, going through life alone, or do I try yet again to reach out to people? I feel like a dog waiting for scraps that others discard. I feel unworthy of anything other then the leftovers that others no longer want. Ultimately, I guess I just want to be chosen by someone...to be of value to someone. I tell myself this is a selfish desire but deep down I don't think it is. God gives us the desire for companionship. I cry to God and ask for understanding and grace and mercy but I rarely find it. So I try to deal with the hurt at being denied his blessing. Sometimes I do ok in processing the events of my life. Yet some days are just hard.

It's a difficult and lonely place to be. I hope that those of you who read this aren't in the same place of loneliness and discouragement where I reside. If you do struggle the same way I hope you've found hope to help you through as you wait.

The Dilemma....

....What to write about!

I have many thoughts swirling in my head. I'm reading 3 great books right now that all could prompt multiple posts:

1- Relationships: A Mess Worth Making. This is co-authored by my former pastor (Tim Lane) and Paul Tripp. Obviously, this book is about relationships.  The premise is since human relationships are designed to reflect the community the Trinity has then relationships are worth being involved in and fighting for...
2 - Competent to Counsel by Jay Adams. This is the classic book on biblical counseling. From the beginning I can see the difference in nouthetic counseling, that focuses heavily on sin and biblical counseling of CCEF variety - that seeks to first find the good and suffering in the counselee before addressing sins. (Obviously there are caveats to that, but in general the goal is to first build the helping relationship by developing the sense of togetherness / "we" and acknowledge the hard things in their life before addressing apparent sins.) Still, Jays book has a good foundation for why God and the Bible should be more central in counseling practice.
3 - A Shelter in The Time of Storm - Meditations on God and Trouble by Paul Tripp. This is about suffering of course, expanding and illustrated by Psalm 27.

Then there are posts on life or things from class and other lessons I'm learning OR what I'm confused about. There are the frustrations with how sometimes it seems communities don't want to be faced with a person's suffering. The injustice or shame of being silenced when wanting to share struggles and seek solace or healing through biblical relationships can be hard to swallow...

There's a lot to be shared. I'll just have to wade into things as they come to me and make decisions (yuck!) about when it's time for the posts that have already been in my head for some time. Until I get some of these posts out I'll have to try and be patient...That's hard! Stay tuned for a variety of things that may not seem connected at first. My hope is to tie it all together and show that everything is connected in big ways...ways that matter!

Proverbs 25:11 Words...

The right word at the right time is like a custom-made piece of jewelry.


(I started this post a few years ago but for some reason I can't recall I didn't finish it. I decided to today...)

If there are any fashion conscious women reading I can almost hear you shouting an Amen here.
I have never really been fashion conscious until recently. I spent most of my life trying to hide and be invisible because I was uncomfortable with who I was. I thought everyone else was uncomfortable with me too. In time as my faith has grown I've realized that sometimes reality was hidden from me because of previous traumas. In the past few years it's gotten easier for me to see both the things I like about myself and the things I don't like and try to change them to reflect Christ more.

Back to the subject...
You can have a beautiful piece of jewelry hanging up in one of those fancy jewelry boxes, but if it doesn't match the style and occasion of the other pieces it's full beauty is lost. When an item is custom made it looks like it belongs - almost that you can't imagine it not being there because it matches all aspects of the personality and occasion.

Proverbs goal is to illustrate to us the differences between wise and foolish living. It reminds us of the importance of choices; Just because a word fits the occasion doesn't mean it's the best or wisest one to use. We want to live in a way that draws people to God. At times they may be behaving foolishly. Instead of rushing headfirst into confrontation I'm reminded of some of the things I read and learned in my class about creating a sense of togetherness in relationships. We don't want to speak as a superior talking down to another. We will seek for our words to show the truth in kind ways. We can speak truth with words that are ugly...or with words that are compassionate and understanding...these words are alluring and beautiful, like the well-planned jewelry to compliment an outfit.

To do this we must seek to thoughtfully and carefully pick out words, hoping to heal, love and motivate others, not harm and alienate them. This is something I'm seeking to work on. My recent stresses have lead to frustrations with my kids and I haven't responded as loving and graciously as I should, especially since they look to me as an example. Thankfully we're able to ask forgiveness and work towards more gracious, Christ-like words. It's never too late to acknowledge a struggle and seek to improve in the area.

My favorite blog...

My post for today is to point you to my favorite blog / organization on the planet! It's run by a former pastor of mine who I highly respect. He has helped me through my struggles the past few years. This blog post is written by my favorite author, Ed Welch. He writes a lot on fear and shame,  two subjects that have dominated my life. I just finished Ed's class on Helping Relationships. It was an amazing class!

Check them out. You won't be sorry! I was blessed to go to their yearly conference in October. I will periodically post things I learned from them. Here's the link....

http://www.ccef.org/blog/all-used

Regrettably I don't have time to write about all the thoughts this post  prompted....maybe sometime. You're welcome to share your thoughts with me! :)

The Importance of Protecting Children - (What I've learned regarding single parenting)

I wrote this post about 9 months ago, but have been so isolated there wasn't really anyone to share it with. I'm posting it now. From the title you might assume it's about the Sandy Hook tragedy. In a roundabout way it may be, because what our children go through do affect their relationships and their future. This is specifically regarding the trials of single parenting and how you can help. I hope it inspires you to make a change in your life, your families life and the lives of others. Please comment and let me know what you think of it!

(I know this is long, please bear with me and let me know whether or not it impacts you. Thanks!)

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My heart is heavy with hearing the pain single mothers endure in their daily life. Ive experienced this pain firsthand in straining to rebuild my life after surviving an abusive relationship although there are many days I don't feel I've actually survived!  The daily hardships of greater responsibility, less emotional support and never ending financial difficulties seem overwhelming at times. My heart is heavy with fears concerning my children's (and my) uncertain future. Still, it is not just my children's struggles that cause me to grieve. When asked recently what I would most like to share about my experiences to a audience willing to listen it was this: I am afraid if we don't adequately address problems going on in our families and churches that we will lose the hearts of our daughters and sons resulting in them perpetuating wrong choices likely to end in more failed marriages and broken dreams.

It is a painful place to see dreams crumble and feel helpless to stop it. We all expect and realize disappointment will come in many ways…but few of us ever consider on our wedding day that we will end up dividing everything into two again. There is much confusion and many unanswered questions when a marriage fails. Adults will ask - Was it destined to fail from the start? What did I do wrong? What about the kids?  Children will ask - Who is to blame? No one or everyone? Was it me? Imagine how much more the confusion is amplified for children who witness abuse as they come face to face with the fact of their parent's faults.

Children want to feel protected and need to make sense of the only world they've ever known falling apart. Little girls find themselves vulnerable when they want to feel safe. They just want to feel loved but are uncertain about their worth. If they receive love as a direct result of an action they will want to repeat it to continue feeling loved. Little boys also redirect their desire to feel safe to other relationships. They probably have learned strong, negative reactions help them get ahead and succeed more. While they might not want to act like a bully, they will want the results that come with it. We need to do our part to teach our children how to face and stop these patterns as early on as we can.

One way is to teach sons how to treat women. That is an important piece that isn't to be denied. Unfortunately that is not an area I feel as well equipped to discuss. While I know how women want to be treated, I currently don't know how to adequately connect with the way male minds work. I hope in time to learn more about how to communicate clearer to boys and men the ways they can treat us that will help us flourish! On the other side, someone has to teach daughters what actions from men are acceptable and not. I will direct most of my comments towards male members of churches and families since it is the norm for men to be in a leadership role. I am not excluding any females at all from having a part in these thoughts. I'm just directing my thoughts towards the audience I felt didn't comprehend what my children and I really needed in our ordeal. I strongly feel many women would have responded with kindness and help if I'd been able to talk about my situation freely. I will mostly be speaking about daughters, though general principles can apply to raising sons as well.  It is not always enough for a family to raise children in a loving environment if not actively engaging them in thoughtful conversations. While many children from abusive homes grow up and find themselves in abusive relationships without trying to, many children from loving, nurturing and thriving homes grow up and end up in abusive relationships, naively trusting visible intentions as good because their experience has taught them that people want the best for them. Not realizing there are manipulative people out there leaves them blind to reality and vulnerable to abusive people.

The lessons our sons and daughters must be taught about healthy relationships have to be internalized by our children and even then may still not prevent these heartaches. Regardless, children must not be left alone to teach themselves what biblical friendships and marriages should be like. At best, we hope for godly parents that are an example of loving relationships demonstrating mutual respect and edification of the other spouse. We hope for children to see constructive ways of resolving conflict and understanding how each partners differences can be assets (not weaknesses) that lend to celebrating a partner's successes even when not directly involved in bringing them about.

At the least, the church must be better prepared to stand up and fill the void when families are missing these qualities. The call is to everyone to be involved. Leaders need to proactively seek out struggling families to start them on a path toward growth and healing before patterns are deeply entrenched. Our church leaders must NOT sit back and wait for people to come ask them for help. While there are people who reach out for help, there are many more families silently bearing great secrets of terrible pain and emotional distress. For whatever reason they don't always come searching for help, but that doesn't mean they need it any less then those who do or that they wouldn't welcome help if asked.

Leaders need to take opportunities in group settings to help parents know appropriate and loving ways to raise children. They need to take similar group opportunities to teach the young ones biblical truth and application. Waiting until a child is old enough to hear it is too late. They see and perceive more lessons from their surroundings then we realize. My daughter realized at a young age that the day after she had heard my ex-husband slamming doors and raking me over the coals verbally that I was a sad mom on edge, wanting to improve on the many faults he'd listed, but feeling as if in an emotional strait-jacket, unable to break through the fears and physically too spent to move faster then a snail's pace. She would draw me pictures and bring me her favorite stuffed animal or blanket…hoping it would fix the pain I felt. When it neared time for him to return from work she would take it on herself (even at the  early age of 6) to try to help clean up. Frantically shoving any messes out of sight in hopes he wouldn't see it while I tried to make myself happy he was coming home. I've not asked her if she remembers these things. I've let many conversations go that we should have discussed for fear of stepping over a line. Yet she feels that tension (without my involvement) of questioning her father's actions while still feeling the desire to defend him for them.

If we miss these opportunities when things happen and wait too long to start instructing them in serious matters they can feel condescended to and be unwilling to listen even if they so desperately need to hear it. Young children are inquisitive and willing to be guided. We should capitalize on these qualities and fill them with truth and the tools to discern navigating unpleasant circumstances as soon as possible. In fairly healthy families the church can augment and add credence to the lessons already learned through the family. Sometimes there becomes an age when a child is resistant to guidance from their parents, but listens to other adults or peers. If the church has already taken the time to be involved in the child's life, it is more likely the leaders can still make an impact comparable to the parents. If a child values her peers in a church that is committed to training young children (and so hearing the same wise counsel regarding how relationships fit into a biblical model for life) this is yet another barrier in place to potentially keep them from harm.

Time gets away from us without us realizing it. Like the watch pot that never boils, the family that doesn't actively pursue wise use of time will wake up one day to realize it has already slipped away. It is easy to think of our children as little kids, when in reality they are approaching adulthood, dreaming of their soulmate or planning for college and their future careers. There is no day like today to start interacting with your kids on a deeper level. Children respond well to being treated like mature individuals. When they feel honored and valued they truly begin to open up about the deep issues on their hearts. Instead of trying to keep them the sweet little kids they used to be we must embrace the deepening complexities of their hearts and respond to them with wisdom that can only come from following after God with open hands.

I know it's a tall order to accept responsibility for your own family's future, much less anyone else…but let me share more that may give you pause on how to view church families in crisis…While you may have raised your son or daughter to be a cooperative and loving adult, every parent must acknowledge that their children's spouse may come from a different background. In sitting and talking with friends I have noticed it is becoming rarer to find two partners both raised in a safe and loving Christian environment. This is grievous to me. Many children are ill equipped to deal with all the struggles of life from mundane and minute details to severe traumas or crises that at one time affect everyone. Sons grow up to lead homes. Is your son a godly leader who can command respect without squashing those under his care? Daughters grow up to be wives who desire to support and encourage their husbands without having to give up their dreams. Always keep in your mind when looking at your children that abuse can enter a family in many ways. Don't be complacent in preparing your children for adulthood.

What if it is your daughter who grows up to be in a relationship impacted by one of the many degrading forms of domestic abuse, or other problems such as unlawful drug and excessive alcohol use? These precious daughters not only grow up to be wives, regardless of your views / implementation of principles regarding submission,) they will become leaders as they grow up to be mothers. The nurturing spirit of the mom should be cultivated in many ways in order to provide a family that is effective against the temptations of the world and truly show Christ's love.

The importance of a mother shouldn't be forgotten. This woman has children who grow and have their own children. Many people acknowledge that mothers are the heartbeat of the home. (If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy…) The lessons they learn in childhood are carried with them forever. We want children to desire and learn how to overcome bad lessons and embrace good ones. We all know and agree children are born dependent on us for everything and only in time do they gain independence here and there. When allowed to grow under godly direction these daughters have a better chance to be discerning when a man puts a women down and acts like its a compliment or orders her to perform certain wishes in a callous and selfish way.

If you were sitting here with me right now and I asked, "Do you want your daughters to be mistreated and abused by their husbands?" I suspect you'd all say no. So let that motivate you to do what you can to prevent it, because we all have a part to play. No one can sit back and act like its someone else's job. Some churches pledge during a child's baptism to assist the parent in raising the children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. Have you even thought of what those vows really mean? Nurture is the loving, wise counsel of godly truths and ways. A parent or church leader isn't the only one allowed to do that in a child's life. (Men, do you know how to carefully nurture something? Ask for guidance if not.) Admonition is the careful redirecting of one who is straying from the direction of godliness. I stress the word carefully in both areas of guidance and correction, because I know from experience that loving guidance can be quickly undone by harsh correction. Here again, a parent and church leader, while generally having more time with the child, are NOT the only ones with the authority to direct a child when it comes to their spiritual life. Why do we focus our lives on going from activity to activity that our kids want to do, or get involved in many church functions, to the exclusion of sharing our lives with other families and children? Why do so many go to church, sit through the service, chat with those around them and leave for home after the prayer, not to see a single church family until next Sunday at church. Granted, we need to work to support our families and we need to not neglect the needs of our family. Those are good priorities that demonstrate obedience and love. Still, I sense it is at times used as reason to not have to break our of your comfort zone. While not suggesting you stop working and ignore your family I intend to challenge you to involve more people in your inner circle. Just as you've heard before that Christian life isn't one individual against all that's wrong with the world…it is not one family against the world. From the beginning the church has consisted of individuals striving to become a united community so that together more good can be accomplished, more strength is to be displayed and ultimately God gets the credit for bringing a bunch of diverse people together in such a way. Limiting your life to your work, family and activities within your family limits God's ability to use you for his purposes, and this is not just within the church. This only begins to address the issue of going out into the world and finding more families that are struggling and hurting and mentoring / encouraging them to fight against sin and injustice! Think of the families outside the church with no hope, no peace, no real skills or understanding of what's at stake. We have power to make a difference within the church and without.

I weep often when I go to my domestic violence support group and hear almost every lady there talk about the lack of support she received from her church when trying to protect herself and her children. If she begins to think she isn't worth protecting, then how can she bring herself to teach her children they shouldn't be abused? It isn't just disheartening to hear other Christians share similar experiences with their churches but it is frustrating to realize that hurting and confused non-Christians are sitting in the room listening, getting a wrong impression about God based on how churches treat their members in need! We need to wake up and realize our actions aren't limited to those in direct contact with us, but the ripples extend in many directions.

The tears I've shed of loneliness and pain and questioning and doubt can not be swept under the rug forever. My children need to understand what went wrong in my marriage in hopes they won't duplicate it. If the message I get from the church is that it's not a big deal then I question whether I really need to deal with it. For an exhausted single mom living well below the poverty level, things get cut out that aren't a high priority. If she's been treated like her problems aren't a priority she'll give up fighting and just try to get through each day. For children who've already witnessed terrible acts, this apathy is dangerous. Someone needs to encourage her to fight the pain, diligently attack the ingrained bad relationship skills already learned and focus on helping her children grow and heal. Someone needs to be there with answers to her questions or just a willingness to attempt and listen to the unanswerable ones. Empathy has often been an effective tool for the church leader to display when families are in crisis. Loving someone truly means getting down in the muck with them and acting like it's your muck. Acting like it's your responsibility. Believing you are supposed to demonstrate God to this person, even if it hurts you in the process. If you suspect something is not right - if you pick up on the hint of struggle…Don't cover your eyes and ears to ignore their pain and silence their cries. The groaning of a suffering person can be the path to freedom, but the path is long and dark and fraught with terrible peril that can unravel the core of their being at the snap of a twig, especially when traveling the path alone. Reach out to them and be amazed at the strength God gives them through your simple gestures.

I believe if churches realized the ramifications of mishandling these difficult situations of abuse things would change. Maybe you don't yet see a need for diligence in protecting women and children in the church. Again, remember no family is guaranteed freedom from abuse. Your children may not be spared. Your daughter may marry a man who thinks a good church man keeps his wife in line with physical violence because he watched his father hurt his mom and no one ever did anything about it.  All of a sudden abuse will have shattered your cocoon and invaded your family from the outside. As a parent I can say that I haven't yet experienced a greater pain like the one of watching my children be abused without being able to adequately protect them. Have you woken up to the seriousness of this issue? There is enough lack of value attributed to women in the world. I have seen men look at women as being created only for their pleasure, and doing so can neglect to cherish the women for her unique God-given differences and skills. It's time for the men and the churches to value women and daughters appropriately and teach their sons how to do so as well.  Are you willing to step up your efforts at guiding your children and live up to your church vows to help other families?

What families can do:
- Model a loving and cooperative relationship that values weaknesses as much as strengths to your own family.
- Model the same skills to other Families - Treat every family like it is your own. Look at the little children in the congregation as a potential mate for your children. - Get to know the families in your church. Get to know the children.The pain that happens in childhood can continue for decades if not addressed. Even if that pain isn't present in a child they are still not immune from the effects sin has on relationships.
- Talk about and through rough times in your relationships with your children and other families.
- Tell children what love is not : submission does not mean letting someone walk all over you. Controlling behavior is not a sign you are special. Attacking criticism is not a way to encourage compliance with your demands, etc
- In time, get involved in the community and model the same healthy relationship skills to those struggling and hurting families / individuals you come in contact with.

If you believe someone is being abused, standup and make a fuss. If you're not listened to keep trying. Be a friend and advocate for that women or child.
Don't stand by if you suspect something is amiss in a family. Secrets lead to fear and shame and eventually doubts of love, God and community. Speak out about your concerns and if anyone dismisses them keep speaking out until you're heard. The suffering often are too weak to cry out, expending all their energy on just surviving. They need someone willing to do it for them. (To be their Aaron who holds up their arms in the fight so they can win)

What churches can do:
- Keep an eye out for families that are struggling, to help with spiritual, emotional and practical needs.
- Discuss unfair treatment of women in the bible - what it means, how to spot it, how it can be dealt with and so on. Make it known that the church doesn't tolerate hurting women and children. People will be listening and ready to help.
- Take care of the single parent families. It's more difficult then you can imagine. The most lonely road I've ever been on…and a seemingly never-ending one.
- Focus on teaching children more then just Bible stories. We are most certainly to teach children about the miracles in the Bible. Those great stories that open our eyes to the wonders of God's love…but let's not forget God is in all of life, not just miracles. Many children realize in time that miracles are rare these days. If all they know are miracles from the Bible then it loses relevance to them. The children come to a day when they can't find God in everyday life because no one showed them how to find him there and he seems powerless to help them. There is nothing as discouraging as wanting God to be a caring, powerful entity and feeling like He's not (and not even there!)

In my own life, i weep for the time i've lost already to teach my daughters the lessons they need to know about relationships. I feel almost as lost and inadequate to teach them as I do my son. How I wish they could lose the memories of shouting, spiteful words, hurling objects and destroyed belongings they witnessed from an early age. All my children currently verbalize or act out that the person with the most power who knows how to use it is the one who wins. While most moments they are wonderfully kind and considerate children who love to help others, when they aren't getting their way they quickly revert to trying to be the most powerful to win. It is painful to watch my children perpetuate these lessons.

How fervently I pray that in time they don't adapt those behaviors as normal ways of treating people they love. I do not want my daughter's to be victims nor my son to be a perpetrator of violence or abuse. Somewhere, somehow, it must stop! Adults need to know how to treat each other. Adults need to know how to treat their kids and other kids. Kids need to know how to treat other kids. (Many families stop there.) Children need to learn how to expand lessons of sharing toys and being nice we teach them as toddlers to more sophisticated circumstances. We need to stand up together as a community and work to a common goal of truly training our children in the way they should go.

If you're a mother who's gone through an abusive relationship, know that it's never too late to teach your children about healthier relationships. It can be scary and tricky to wade into the past with personal examples that could put your former spouse in a bad light. It must be carefully and delicately handled. That is why it's best to have the involvement of other families and churches to help you teach these lessons in a less stressful, controversial way. If you are / were in a church that didn't understand your struggle and didn't give you the support you needed don't give up finding some way to help your children. All too often women get out of abusive relationships thinking they've protected their children only to realize years down the road the kids had already internalized lessons of power and control being the way to get happiness and no one had systematically helped them unlearn those bad lessons. Never give up on helping your children. God will give you the strength, even if you walk the road alone. God is near to the brokenhearted. He knows all the tears you've cried. He will help your scars heal. I can speak to the times I wasn't even sure he was there with me anymore, or whether or not he ever was. There are times I was sure he was gone. Times I felt maybe he was never with me. Surely a perfect, loving God wouldn't want me to be in pain unless I wasn't worth anything to Him. Crushing loneliness with each step threatened to end me. I've barely hung on for many days. Yet, Jeremiah says you will find him when you seek him with all your heart. So continually search for him and day by day you will get through the challenges and fears and pain and loneliness. Someday the clouds will wander away and the sky will be brighter, your steps will be lighter and you may even find yourself laughing again. Though it may not happen in this situation in your lifetime, mercy and justice will kiss and all will be right in the end.

Reviving my blog - I hope!

I'm hoping to get back into blogging a couple times a week. I stopped blogging to focus on my children and a couple challenging relationships. In October of 2010 I went through a dark time where I felt I was lost in the wilderness. Yet I found a shelter figuratively and literally the 4 months the children and I were in a domestic violence shelter. It was the most edifying place and organization I've ever been involved with! The previous 8 posts I just uploaded came from my journal during that time frame...I would love it if you had time to go back and check some of my previous posts. If you're pressed for time ones to definitely check out now are these:

The original purpose of this blog
A celtic traditional on storms
If you like poems, here's one to read
On entering the shelter
From the Valley of Vision, Thoughts on a classic prayer

(I hope you come back to read the others later! There are only 29 posts total!!!)

My goals for getting back into blogging are to chronicle my thoughts on relationships from many different angles and situations: whether friendships, informal counseling, professional counseling and even including thoughts on spiritual responsibilities laypeople and church leaders have to other Christians and non Christians! I would love to hear everyone's thoughts, experiences, questions and so on. I may be able to incorporate some of them in my writing! I hope this can be a place for support, discussion and learning for all of us as we journey through life. Thanks for stopping by!

Last Day at the Shelter - Day 124

I've not kept up with my journal and posting. The events I've been through have been challenging and draining. Most of the time passed in a blur and the end snuck up on me because today my life changes again as I start a new journey!

Today I woke up and made 50 servings of my famous French Toast for my favorite lady friends! I am sad that today I say bye to some of the best friends I've ever made - some I will never see again - it is truly losing a family. The support and encouragement I've received at the domestic violence shelter has been a blessing from God. I'll be homeless for a bit, bouncing around staying at homes of friends willing to take the kids and I in. I'm nervous about what's in store. While I continue going to church my faith is barely noticeable, due to interactions with people and organizations that I sought help from who turned away from my cries. I'm leaving my home today and I'm very sad. I am puzzled as to how God can redeem this situation.  I will try to believe that He will somehow...

Sunday Reflection - Day 31

Purification (from Valley of Vision)

Lord Jesus, I sin. Grant that I may never cease grieving because of it, never be content with myself, never think I can reach a point of perfection. Kill my envy, command my tongue, trample down self. Give me grace to be holy, kind, gentle, pure, peaceable, to live for Thee and not for self, to copy Thy words, acts, spirit, to be transformed into Thy likeness, to be consecrated wholly to Thee, to live entirely to Thy glory.

Deliver me from attachment to things unclean, from wrong associations, from the predominance of evil passions, from the sugar of sin as well as its gap; that with self-loathing, deep contrition, earnest heart searching I may come to Thee, cast myself on Thee, trust in Thee, cry to Thee, be delivered by Thee.

O God, the Eternal All, help me to know that all things are shadows, but Thou art substance, all things are quicksands, but Thou art mountain, all things are shifting, but Thou art anchor, all things are ignorance, but Thou art wisdom.

If my life is to be a crucible amid burning heat, so be it, but do Thou sit at the furnace mouth to watch the ore that nothing be lost. If I sin willfully, grievously, tormentedly, in grace take away my mourning and give me music; remove my sackcloth and clothe me with beauty; still my sighs and fill my mouth with song, then give me summer weather as a Christian.

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This one reminds me of my goal, stated more eloquently then I can - to sum it up: To be aware of who I am, aware of what I need and aware that God is the one in control. I pray that He is as careful with me as He needs to be. It is hard to be in the fire. I think am glad that I am aware of my struggles and not blind to them and therefore unwilling to work on overcoming them.

Running the Race - Day 23 part 2

Today one of my friends came and picked me up for an 8.5 mile race. This is the same friend who did a 10 mile race with me in October. We drove south of town to a pecan grove. It was SOO awesome. I took pictures. Maybe I'll try to figure out how to load pictures here into the blog at some point. I wasn't sure I'd be able to run the whole way without stopping. This is a good metaphor for my life. I never know anymore whether I'm going to make it. I lose hope and confidence fast. I was a great runner in jr high and high school. I was asked to joing the track team a year early because I was good...but even back then I doubted myself. I ran because I liked it. Back then I didn't have too much of a competitive spirit. I did some, and I strategically planned some of my races and did well...but I really ran to stay away from the home and the abuse that waited for me there. Maybe that was it...I ran because I needed to run away. I've always seemed to be running for something. I still feel like that at times. Maybe it is part of the avoidant personality I have. However, I am seeking to get to a healthier place...and I believe if I work at it I can get there. I wonder whether it is appropriate to be here. I can't remember who said it to me...but someone told me I wasn't running away from abuse...but I was running to something else. So I'm trying to choose that.

But I still feel like what I am doing is running away and hiding. I wish this was all in my head. I wish there wasn't this certainty that I haven't been safe...this nagging feeling that if I leave I will be thrown back into it. I have this fear that 4 months isn't going to be enough to protect me from all the danger I face from others and myself. But today I chose to wake up and go run. It was a fun race and I kept up with my friend for about 3 miles (last month she dropped me about 3 minutes into the race because I wasn't in shape having not trained.) I still actually haven't trained. I've only run about 1 day a week since coming to the shelter. It is too hard to fit it in...but on those days when it's worked I've gone long. I figure might as well capitalize on the opportunity. So today was a good day. I ran the whole 8.5 miles without walking. I did stop at 2 water stations to get water. That was a HUGE moment for me pyschologically....during races, whenever I stop to drink water or walk that is usually the end. From that point on I can't fight the doubts and I start walking more then running. This time I started back each time! And at about mile 6 I realized I'm not really having a hard time breathing and though my legs are tired I can do this. I ran those last 2.5 miles faster then any of the others. In running speak I made 7 "kills" - meaning I passed 7 people...I usually only pass 1 or 2. In the end I finished with a good pace. I finished 5 minutes behind my friend. A big improvement because last month I finished 25 minutes behind her!

(I celebrated later by taking the bus to one of my favorite places to eat - Chick-fil-A - to get food and a milkshake. I earned it burning off all those calories right? I mostly rested all day and tried to not get too stressed about church.

One thing I hope will happen to me in my real life is that I can finish well. For some strange reason - despite how much I struggle during races - I have energy at the end. I get near the finish and I just automatically go faster. I kicked it hard at the end and was getting lots of cheers from the surrounding people demonstrating how impressed they were that I was sprinting at the end of 8.5 miles. Maybe, despite (or in spite of?) all the pain I seem to constantly face, when I get to the end of my life - maybe I'll be able to kick it and go out strong. I hope God will give me the grace to persevere. Hope.

I want to write a bit more - but we must schedule computer time at the shelter and I've run out :(

A Saturday Reflection - (Day 23)

Jenna's favorite Christian Artist is Indie singer JJ Heller..This new song of hers really hits me.

“He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed

And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I…”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew”

Sigh. That is my life...waiting for someone to love me. I know God does. I often feel He is the only one. That this world He created where we are supposed to have small glimpses of heaven (some of that through realtionships) NEVER comes for me. 

It feels like too much to hope for, so I am gearing up for a life of being alone. I think it will be ok. Maybe.

Valley of Vision Meditation (Day 22)

From the Valley of Vision - 

This is the one I read and prayed over last Sunday morning before heading to church and having to face a confrontation with someone.


TRUE RELIGION

Lord God Almighty,
I ask not to be enrolled amongst the earthly great and rich,
but to be numbered with the spiritually blessed.
Make it my present, supreme, persevering concern,
to obtain those blessings which are
spiritual in their nature,
eternal in their continuance,
satisfying in their possession.
Preserve me from a false estimate of the whole or a part of my character;
May I pay regard to my principles as well as my conduct,
my motives as wells as my actions.
Help me never to mistake the excite- ment of my passions,
for the renewing of the Holy Spirit,
never to judge my religion by occasional impressions and im- pulses, but by my constant and prevailing disposition.
May my heart be right with thee, and my life as becometh the gospel.
May I maintain a supreme regard to another and better world,
and feel and confess myself a stranger and a pilgrim here.
Afford me all the direction, defence, support, and consolation
my journey hence requires,
and grant me a mind stayed upon thee.
Give me a large abundance of the supply of the Spirit of Jesus,
that I may be prepared for every duty,
love thee in all my mercies,
submit to thee in every trial,
trust thee when waiting in darkness,
have peace in thee amidst life's changes.
Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief and uncertainties.

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This is my prayer, that I focus on eternal things, not be deceived, be given exactly what I need from God to get through each day and that I have a mind stayed on Him...that is probably my biggest struggle - to not be wrapped up in sadness and pain and think He isn't there, or be discouraged that I don't find him in it.

Day 7 at the Shelter - Expanding the Mission

A few nights ago I brought out the book The Valley of Vision (a book of Puritan prayers that have always resonated with me) and I started reading at the begining...

The Valley of Vision

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly, Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights; hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine; let me find Thy light in my darkness, Thy life in my death, Thy joy in my sorrow, Thy grace in my sin, Thy riches in my poverty, Thy glory in my valley.

I couldn't have put it any better myself! This prayer shows the contrast between our deepest needs and His greatest power; how the wisdom of the world contrasts with God's true wisdom and that things aren't always as they seem when looked at through His eyes. It was a very encouraging prayer and as I often feel in the deepest valley, separated from Him in such a vast way that I wonder if He can even see me, if I will ever be able to hear Him again and how long it will be before I am closer to Him again. I have to try to remind myself that while what I feel is painful and real, that there is One who has power over everything I suffer through and one day it will end. On those days when it is almost too much, instead of looking far off into the future and being discouraged about all the pain between now and then, I turn to God to help me through the next moment. It is hard. It is tiring, but it is in some way as the prayer states... light in darkness, life in death, joy in sorrow, grace in sin, riches in poverty and glory in the valley. God will be glorified no matter what. That thought is the hope and peace that breaks through pain.

Day 6 at the Shelter - My Mission

After the house meeting ends (on Tues nights) we pick chores. The system I’ve tried to use goes through the house in one month by breaking it up into zones for detailed cleaning and a little bit of maintenance cleaning of the whole home during each week. So I decided to try and pick chores based on that so I’d have gotten a good habit going when I get a new place, though it will have been on a smaller scale it would still be good enough that hopefully I could build on the momentum. So I picked cleaning up the front yard as that is the first zone tackled in a month. Then as i was thinking I realized how important it was in my mind an maybe for the other women as well to work on the front yard.

The yard is the first thing they see when they arrive at the shelter. While I was relieved to be at the shelter and hopeful that it would help, I still noticed when I first arrived that it was messy. Now, after seeing the issues the ladies were struggling with and the selfish attitudes that were popping up - I thought, here is part of my mission. Overall, I want  to be able to show them the hope and difference trusting in God can make instead of just themselves. At first I wasn’t sure one way to accomplish this, but now I realize the significance of the chore I picked. I can do my part to help these ladies like coming “home”. Because people have come to the shelter to feel safe, they don’t spend time in the front yard, though it is big and beautifully designed. The focus is getting in the house after being out in the scary world, and once locked inside the gate, then going about their day. The yard has been neglected because it’s just a waypoint to the safe environment we’ve all hoped for. That state of it reflects that it isn’t important and not worth caring about. Yet coming home to the shelter, when the first thing you see is disorganization translates to more discomfort even after entering the home.

My task was to sweep the walkways from the parking lot and pick up trash on the ground. I did that the first day - there was so much dirt and rocks on the pathway that it took a long time to sweep. I then beat the welcome mats out so they weren’t caked with dust and lastly, stopped to curl up the hose that someone had used and left stretched out for at least this whole first week I’d been there. I walked around the yard to see what other things I could do the following day that would make the yard look better.

It’s already working. I heard a lady tell her friend that she actually smiled when she came back that day. I see these chores (and being there as well) as my greater purpose. I am not just here for me. I’m not just here for the kids. I’m here for God - this shelter is a real reminder that though so many people get settled and comfortable in their lives, this isn’t really our home. We are made for something bigger and greater. We are passing through this life. We need to seek to discover what we can do while we are here for Him and for others. The staff at the shelter are helping us face our pain and work through them. I intend to spend as much time as I can giving back and pointing to God as the Ultimate One who is helping me. Maybe He can use me to bring a deeper hope to some of these women that the staff can’t bring no matter how hard we try. That is my purpose I believe God has for me in the shelter!