I wrote this post about 9 months ago, but have been so isolated there wasn't really anyone to share it with. I'm posting it now. From the title you might assume it's about the Sandy Hook tragedy. In a roundabout way it may be, because what our children go through do affect their relationships and their future. This is specifically regarding the trials of single parenting and how you can help. I hope it inspires you to make a change in your life, your families life and the lives of others. Please comment and let me know what you think of it!
(I know this is long, please bear with me and let me know whether or not it impacts you. Thanks!)
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My
heart is heavy with hearing the pain single mothers endure in their
daily life. Ive experienced this pain firsthand in straining to rebuild
my life after surviving an abusive relationship although there are many
days I don't feel I've actually survived! The daily hardships of
greater responsibility, less emotional support and never ending
financial difficulties seem overwhelming at times. My heart is heavy
with fears concerning my children's (and my) uncertain future. Still, it
is not just my children's struggles that cause me to grieve. When asked
recently what I would most like to share about my experiences to a
audience willing to listen it was this: I am afraid if we don't
adequately address problems going on in our families and churches that
we will lose the hearts of our daughters and sons resulting in them
perpetuating wrong choices likely to end in more failed marriages and
broken dreams.
It is a painful place to see dreams crumble and feel helpless to
stop it. We all expect and realize disappointment will come in many
ways…but few of us ever consider on our wedding day that we will end up
dividing everything into two again. There is much confusion and many
unanswered questions when a marriage fails. Adults will ask - Was it
destined to fail from the start? What did I do wrong? What about the
kids? Children will ask - Who is to blame? No one or everyone? Was it
me? Imagine how much more the confusion is amplified for children who
witness abuse as they come face to face with the fact of their parent's
faults.
Children want to feel protected and need to make sense of the only
world they've ever known falling apart. Little girls find themselves
vulnerable when they want to feel safe. They just want to feel loved but
are uncertain about their worth. If they receive love as a direct
result of an action they will want to repeat it to continue feeling
loved. Little boys also redirect their desire to feel safe to other
relationships. They probably have learned strong, negative reactions
help them get ahead and succeed more. While they might not want to act
like a bully, they will want the results that come with it. We need to
do our part to teach our children how to face and stop these patterns as
early on as we can.
One way is to teach sons how to treat women. That is an important
piece that isn't to be denied. Unfortunately that is not an area I feel
as well equipped to discuss. While I know how women want to be treated, I
currently don't know how to adequately connect with the way male minds
work. I hope in time to learn more about how to communicate clearer to
boys and men the ways they can treat us that will help us flourish! On
the other side, someone has to teach daughters what actions from men are
acceptable and not. I will direct most of my comments towards male
members of churches and families since it is the norm for men to be in a
leadership role. I am not excluding any females at all from having a
part in these thoughts. I'm just directing my thoughts towards the
audience I felt didn't comprehend what my children and I really needed
in our ordeal. I strongly feel many women would have responded with
kindness and help if I'd been able to talk about my situation freely. I
will mostly be speaking about daughters, though general principles can
apply to raising sons as well. It is not always enough for a family to
raise children in a loving environment if not actively engaging them in
thoughtful conversations. While many children from abusive homes grow up
and find themselves in abusive relationships without trying to, many
children from loving, nurturing and thriving homes grow up and end up in
abusive relationships, naively trusting visible intentions as good
because their experience has taught them that people want the best for
them. Not realizing there are manipulative people out there leaves them
blind to reality and vulnerable to abusive people.
The lessons our sons and daughters must be taught about healthy
relationships have to be internalized by our children and even then may
still not prevent these heartaches. Regardless, children must not be
left alone to teach themselves what biblical friendships and marriages
should be like. At best, we hope for godly parents that are an example
of loving relationships demonstrating mutual respect and edification of
the other spouse. We hope for children to see constructive ways of
resolving conflict and understanding how each partners differences can
be assets (not weaknesses) that lend to celebrating a partner's
successes even when not directly involved in bringing them about.
At the least, the church must be better prepared to stand up and
fill the void when families are missing these qualities. The call is to
everyone to be involved. Leaders need to proactively seek out struggling
families to start them on a path toward growth and healing before
patterns are deeply entrenched. Our church leaders must NOT sit back and
wait for people to come ask them for help. While there are people who
reach out for help, there are many more families silently bearing great
secrets of terrible pain and emotional distress. For whatever reason
they don't always come searching for help, but that doesn't mean they
need it any less then those who do or that they wouldn't welcome help if
asked.
Leaders need to take opportunities in group settings to help parents
know appropriate and loving ways to raise children. They need to take
similar group opportunities to teach the young ones biblical truth and
application. Waiting until a child is old enough to hear it is too late.
They see and perceive more lessons from their surroundings then we
realize. My daughter realized at a young age that the day after she had
heard my ex-husband slamming doors and raking me over the coals verbally
that I was a sad mom on edge, wanting to improve on the many faults
he'd listed, but feeling as if in an emotional strait-jacket, unable to
break through the fears and physically too spent to move faster then a
snail's pace. She would draw me pictures and bring me her favorite
stuffed animal or blanket…hoping it would fix the pain I felt. When it
neared time for him to return from work she would take it on herself
(even at the early age of 6) to try to help clean up. Frantically
shoving any messes out of sight in hopes he wouldn't see it while I
tried to make myself happy he was coming home. I've not asked her if she
remembers these things. I've let many conversations go that we should
have discussed for fear of stepping over a line. Yet she feels that
tension (without my involvement) of questioning her father's actions
while still feeling the desire to defend him for them.
If we miss these opportunities when things happen and wait too long
to start instructing them in serious matters they can feel condescended
to and be unwilling to listen even if they so desperately need to hear
it. Young children are inquisitive and willing to be guided. We should
capitalize on these qualities and fill them with truth and the tools to
discern navigating unpleasant circumstances as soon as possible. In
fairly healthy families the church can augment and add credence to the
lessons already learned through the family. Sometimes there becomes an
age when a child is resistant to guidance from their parents, but
listens to other adults or peers. If the church has already taken the
time to be involved in the child's life, it is more likely the leaders
can still make an impact comparable to the parents. If a child values
her peers in a church that is committed to training young children (and
so hearing the same wise counsel regarding how relationships fit into a
biblical model for life) this is yet another barrier in place to
potentially keep them from harm.
Time gets away from us without us realizing it. Like the watch pot
that never boils, the family that doesn't actively pursue wise use of
time will wake up one day to realize it has already slipped away. It is
easy to think of our children as little kids, when in reality they are
approaching adulthood, dreaming of their soulmate or planning for
college and their future careers. There is no day like today to start
interacting with your kids on a deeper level. Children respond well to
being treated like mature individuals. When they feel honored and valued
they truly begin to open up about the deep issues on their hearts.
Instead of trying to keep them the sweet little kids they used to be we
must embrace the deepening complexities of their hearts and respond to
them with wisdom that can only come from following after God with open
hands.
I know it's a tall order to accept responsibility for your own
family's future, much less anyone else…but let me share more that may
give you pause on how to view church families in crisis…While you may
have raised your son or daughter to be a cooperative and loving adult,
every parent must acknowledge that their children's spouse may come from
a different background. In sitting and talking with friends I have
noticed it is becoming rarer to find two partners both raised in a safe
and loving Christian environment. This is grievous to me. Many children
are ill equipped to deal with all the struggles of life from mundane and
minute details to severe traumas or crises that at one time affect
everyone. Sons grow up to lead homes. Is your son a godly leader who can
command respect without squashing those under his care? Daughters grow
up to be wives who desire to support and encourage their husbands
without having to give up their dreams. Always keep in your mind when
looking at your children that abuse can enter a family in many ways.
Don't be complacent in preparing your children for adulthood.
What if it is your daughter who grows up to be in a relationship
impacted by one of the many degrading forms of domestic abuse, or other
problems such as unlawful drug and excessive alcohol use? These precious
daughters not only grow up to be wives, regardless of your views /
implementation of principles regarding submission,) they will become
leaders as they grow up to be mothers. The nurturing spirit of the mom
should be cultivated in many ways in order to provide a family that is
effective against the temptations of the world and truly show Christ's
love.
The importance of a mother shouldn't be forgotten. This woman has
children who grow and have their own children. Many people acknowledge
that mothers are the heartbeat of the home. (If mama ain't happy, ain't
nobody happy…) The lessons they learn in childhood are carried with them
forever. We want children to desire and learn how to overcome bad
lessons and embrace good ones. We all know and agree children are born
dependent on us for everything and only in time do they gain
independence here and there. When allowed to grow under godly direction
these daughters have a better chance to be discerning when a man puts a
women down and acts like its a compliment or orders her to perform
certain wishes in a callous and selfish way.
If you were sitting here with me right now and I asked, "Do you want
your daughters to be mistreated and abused by their husbands?" I
suspect you'd all say no. So let that motivate you to do what you can to
prevent it, because we all have a part to play. No one can sit back and
act like its someone else's job. Some churches pledge during a child's
baptism to assist the parent in raising the children in the nurture and
admonition of the Lord. Have you even thought of what those vows really
mean? Nurture is the loving, wise counsel of godly truths and ways. A
parent or church leader isn't the only one allowed to do that in a
child's life. (Men, do you know how to carefully nurture something? Ask
for guidance if not.) Admonition is the careful redirecting of one who
is straying from the direction of godliness. I stress the word carefully
in both areas of guidance and correction, because I know from
experience that loving guidance can be quickly undone by harsh
correction. Here again, a parent and church leader, while generally
having more time with the child, are NOT the only ones with the
authority to direct a child when it comes to their spiritual life. Why
do we focus our lives on going from activity to activity that our kids
want to do, or get involved in many church functions, to the exclusion
of sharing our lives with other families and children? Why do so many go
to church, sit through the service, chat with those around them and
leave for home after the prayer, not to see a single church family until
next Sunday at church. Granted, we need to work to support our families
and we need to not neglect the needs of our family. Those are good
priorities that demonstrate obedience and love. Still, I sense it is at
times used as reason to not have to break our of your comfort zone.
While not suggesting you stop working and ignore your family I intend to
challenge you to involve more people in your inner circle. Just as
you've heard before that Christian life isn't one individual against all
that's wrong with the world…it is not one family against the world.
From the beginning the church has consisted of individuals striving to
become a united community so that together more good can be
accomplished, more strength is to be displayed and ultimately God gets
the credit for bringing a bunch of diverse people together in such a
way. Limiting your life to your work, family and activities within your
family limits God's ability to use you for his purposes, and this is not
just within the church. This only begins to address the issue of going
out into the world and finding more families that are struggling and
hurting and mentoring / encouraging them to fight against sin and
injustice! Think of the families outside the church with no hope, no
peace, no real skills or understanding of what's at stake. We have power
to make a difference within the church and without.
I weep often when I go to my domestic violence support group and
hear almost every lady there talk about the lack of support she received
from her church when trying to protect herself and her children. If she
begins to think she isn't worth protecting, then how can she bring
herself to teach her children they shouldn't be abused? It isn't just
disheartening to hear other Christians share similar experiences with
their churches but it is frustrating to realize that hurting and
confused non-Christians are sitting in the room listening, getting a
wrong impression about God based on how churches treat their members in
need! We need to wake up and realize our actions aren't limited to those
in direct contact with us, but the ripples extend in many directions.
The tears I've shed of loneliness and pain and questioning and doubt
can not be swept under the rug forever. My children need to understand
what went wrong in my marriage in hopes they won't duplicate it. If the
message I get from the church is that it's not a big deal then I
question whether I really need to deal with it. For an exhausted single
mom living well below the poverty level, things get cut out that aren't a
high priority. If she's been treated like her problems aren't a
priority she'll give up fighting and just try to get through each day.
For children who've already witnessed terrible acts, this apathy is
dangerous. Someone needs to encourage her to fight the pain, diligently
attack the ingrained bad relationship skills already learned and focus
on helping her children grow and heal. Someone needs to be there with
answers to her questions or just a willingness to attempt and listen to
the unanswerable ones. Empathy has often been an effective tool for the
church leader to display when families are in crisis. Loving someone
truly means getting down in the muck with them and acting like it's your
muck. Acting like it's your responsibility. Believing you are supposed
to demonstrate God to this person, even if it hurts you in the process.
If you suspect something is not right - if you pick up on the hint of
struggle…Don't cover your eyes and ears to ignore their pain and silence
their cries. The groaning of a suffering person can be the path to
freedom, but the path is long and dark and fraught with terrible peril
that can unravel the core of their being at the snap of a twig,
especially when traveling the path alone. Reach out to them and be
amazed at the strength God gives them through your simple gestures.
I believe if churches realized the ramifications of mishandling
these difficult situations of abuse things would change. Maybe you don't
yet see a need for diligence in protecting women and children in the
church. Again, remember no family is guaranteed freedom from abuse. Your
children may not be spared. Your daughter may marry a man who thinks a
good church man keeps his wife in line with physical violence because he
watched his father hurt his mom and no one ever did anything about it.
All of a sudden abuse will have shattered your cocoon and invaded your
family from the outside. As a parent I can say that I haven't yet
experienced a greater pain like the one of watching my children be abused without
being able to adequately protect them. Have you woken up to the
seriousness of this issue? There is enough lack of value attributed to
women in the world. I have seen men look at women as being created only
for their pleasure, and doing so can neglect to cherish the women for
her unique God-given differences and skills. It's time for the men and
the churches to value women and daughters appropriately and teach their
sons how to do so as well. Are you willing to step up your efforts at
guiding your children and live up to your church vows to help other
families?
What families can do:
- Model a loving and cooperative relationship that values weaknesses as much as strengths to your own family.
-
Model the same skills to other Families - Treat every family like it is
your own. Look at the little children in the congregation as a
potential mate for your children. - Get to know the families in your
church. Get to know the children.The pain that happens in childhood can
continue for decades if not addressed. Even if that pain isn't present
in a child they are still not immune from the effects sin has on
relationships.
- Talk about and through rough times in your relationships with your children and other families.
-
Tell children what love is not : submission does not mean letting
someone walk all over you. Controlling behavior is not a sign you are
special. Attacking criticism is not a way to encourage compliance with
your demands, etc
- In time, get involved in the community and model the same healthy
relationship skills to those struggling and hurting families /
individuals you come in contact with.
If you believe someone is
being abused, standup and make a fuss. If you're not listened to keep
trying. Be a friend and advocate for that women or child.
Don't stand by if you suspect something is amiss in a family. Secrets
lead to fear and shame and eventually doubts of love, God and community.
Speak out about your concerns and if anyone dismisses them keep
speaking out until you're heard. The suffering often are too weak to cry
out, expending all their energy on just surviving. They need someone
willing to do it for them. (To be their Aaron who holds up their arms in
the fight so they can win)
What churches can do:
- Keep an eye out for families that are struggling, to help with spiritual, emotional and practical needs.
-
Discuss unfair treatment of women in the bible - what it means, how to
spot it, how it can be dealt with and so on. Make it known that the
church doesn't tolerate hurting women and children. People will be
listening and ready to help.
- Take care of the single parent families. It's more difficult then you
can imagine. The most lonely road I've ever been on…and a seemingly
never-ending one.
- Focus on teaching children more then just Bible
stories. We are most certainly to teach children about the miracles in
the Bible. Those great stories that open our eyes to the wonders of
God's love…but let's not forget God is in all of life, not just
miracles. Many children realize in time that miracles are rare these
days. If all they know are miracles from the Bible then it loses
relevance to them. The children come to a day when they can't find God
in everyday life because no one showed them how to find him there and he
seems powerless to help them. There is nothing as discouraging as
wanting God to be a caring, powerful entity and feeling like He's not
(and not even there!)
In my own life, i weep for the time i've lost already to teach my
daughters the lessons they need to know about relationships. I feel
almost as lost and inadequate to teach them as I do my son. How I wish
they could lose the memories of shouting, spiteful words, hurling
objects and destroyed belongings they witnessed from an early age. All
my children currently verbalize or act out that the person with the most
power who knows how to use it is the one who wins. While most moments
they are wonderfully kind and considerate children who love to help
others, when they aren't getting their way they quickly revert to trying
to be the most powerful to win. It is painful to watch my children
perpetuate these lessons.
How fervently I pray that in time they don't adapt those behaviors
as normal ways of treating people they love. I do not want my daughter's
to be victims nor my son to be a perpetrator of violence or abuse.
Somewhere, somehow, it must stop! Adults need to know how to treat each
other. Adults need to know how to treat their kids and other kids. Kids
need to know how to treat other kids. (Many families stop there.)
Children need to learn how to expand lessons of sharing toys and being
nice we teach them as toddlers to more sophisticated circumstances. We
need to stand up together as a community and work to a common goal of
truly training our children in the way they should go.
If you're a mother who's gone through an abusive relationship, know
that it's never too late to teach your children about healthier
relationships. It can be scary and tricky to wade into the past with
personal examples that could put your former spouse in a bad light. It
must be carefully and delicately handled. That is why it's best to have
the involvement of other families and churches to help you teach these
lessons in a less stressful, controversial way. If you are / were in a
church that didn't understand your struggle and didn't give you the
support you needed don't give up finding some way to help your children.
All too often women get out of abusive relationships thinking they've
protected their children only to realize years down the road the kids
had already internalized lessons of power and control being the way to
get happiness and no one had systematically helped them unlearn those
bad lessons. Never give up on helping your children. God will give you
the strength, even if you walk the road alone. God is near to the
brokenhearted. He knows all the tears you've cried. He will help your
scars heal. I can speak to the times I wasn't even sure he was there
with me anymore, or whether or not he ever was. There are times I was
sure he was gone. Times I felt maybe he was never with me. Surely a
perfect, loving God wouldn't want me to be in pain unless I wasn't worth
anything to Him. Crushing loneliness with each step threatened to end
me. I've barely hung on for many days. Yet, Jeremiah says you will find
him when you seek him with all your heart. So continually search for him
and day by day you will get through the challenges and fears and pain
and loneliness. Someday the clouds will wander away and the sky will be
brighter, your steps will be lighter and you may even find yourself
laughing again. Though it may not happen in this situation in your
lifetime, mercy and justice will kiss and all will be right in the end.
