What Exactly is Abuse? Part 2

This post is a continuation of the previous post, which you can find by clicking here. Here are more of the lesser known or less often considered aspects of abuse we can gloss right by, not realizing the serious effect on the victim. Again, I reiterate that when you add all the little things in with what most people label abuse you discover the weight of the oppression the victim lives with every day. 

1 - Aspect of Power - This is the aspect behind all the actions and words of the abuser. The goal is to gain power over the other party, so that she is controlled by him and indebted to him for everything she needs. This aspect denies her basic rights to make her own choices. He will use his rules as laws to enforce the power he has to keep her in line. He will deprive her of a private life and control everything that he feels entitled to. If he senses her gaining some independence he will say or do things to take that independence away so he maintains control over her. 

A common example of this is in denying the person the basic necessity of sleep. An abusive person will often prevent her from sleeping when she's tired because he still wants to spend time with her. Arguments rarely end until he's ready for them to end, usually meaning they can last long into the night regardless of how tired she is. There are different degrees of how this grasp for power manifests. Some men dictate exactly when the duties he've assigned to her must be done. If she steps outside the lines of what he wants then he feel justified in punishing her in some way.

In a healthy marriage it is ok for partners to discuss roles and tasks that each spouse will do. Yet from observing healthy marriages I notice more of a give and take. The spouses are a team and when one person isn't able to do a task the other will often take up the slack without punishing the other for it. A cooperative spirit is demonstrated. This mutuality in the relationship recognizes each person has different strengths and weaknesses and works together to a common goal where both people are stronger together. Differences are acknowledged and even celebrated as opportunities. Neither person seeks to win at all costs. 

2 - Aspect of Using Children - This facet is particular hurtful to the woman who carried these children during pregnancy, sacrificing her own needs for her unborn children. She labored to bring them into the world and continues to love, nurture and sacrifice for them everyday since. This aspect happens during the relationship and sadly, it often happens after the relationship has ended. If an abusive partner is not happy with his partner he will seeks ways  to keep her in line. One way is using the children to shame her back into the place he wants to keep her. Another is public humiliation, which will be discussed next. He will criticize her in front of the children, which in impressionable children often interferes with her relationship with her children. They will see her as the cause of the tension in the home and will pressure her to do everything to keep dad happy. 

When the couple divorces this aspect often continues. The man will use child support as leverage to continue controlling the woman. He often will say negative things to the children that they will pass along to their mom. This results in continued abuse by indirect messages from the children. These young children rarely realize that they are being manipulated and controlled for the purpose of continuing to harm the other parent. The woman feels great pain at hearing her children repeat all the things daddy has said about her. This is one of the great injustices of trying to break free of abuse. When children are involved it is rarely possible to be completely free from abuse.

In a healthy marriage, spouses will not attempt to use the children to win the argument. They won't want to interfere with the children's relationship with the other parent. True families seek to build up each member and encourage them to overcome difficulties. It is a great disservice to the children to observe one parent trying to win and control at all costs. Our children are set up to be in unhealthy relationships when they are subjected repeatedly to this tactic from a young age. Most of them won't even realize the manipulation they are undergoing. Children long to believe their parents are caring, safe and wise individuals. They struggle to accept that a parent is being inappropriate. This can negatively impact their future and hurts future generations! 

3 - Aspect of Humiliation - I previously mentioned using children as one way he can humiliate his wife, especially if the children publicly humiliate their mom as a result of things he's said to them. He can appear to have done nothing wrong if the children say something and not him. There are many other ways this tactic can be used. Inappropriate touching in public sends a message to her and others that she is property and is not respected. It is embarrassing to be mistreated and demeaned in front of others. Also putting her down in front of others or making jokes about her in her presence is humiliating. This man can degrade everything from her appearance, financial, parenting  or housekeeping skills. Anything that he doesn't approve of can be used to hurt her and embarrass her.

Christians know God instructs us to love one another and within marriage man is called to cherish his wife. Clearly, publicly humiliating the woman doesn't show true love and certainly doesn't cherish her presence in his life. A man who is hurting his spouse is actually hurting himself. He may think he is winning, but he is actually losing! If he is going to change he will need to come to the point he realizes this and learn how to treat her differently. 

4 - Aspect of Silence - The main example here is giving the silent treatment when not approving of something the spouse has said or done. She will know that he is punishing her. Sometimes she will know why he's angry and other times she won't know what caused it. This is a very tense and stressful way to live. A woman's attempts to discover what caused the tension in order to resolve the issue will usually result in one of the other aspects flaring up - either emotional, verbal or physical abuse. Some people may think the absence of hurtful words is good. Yet knowing something isn't right but being ignored or neglected is damaging to the person's worth. The message conveyed is that if you upset me you deserve pain in return. 

This is counter to a healthy relationship where each person wants to demonstrate love and care. While there are times when discussing issues need to be postponed, the normal pattern is to kindly bring up issues to work through and have healthy dialog that doesn't attack the other person. Relationships thrive on interaction and withholding that from one of the parties is detrimental to the person and the relationship.

5 - Aspect of Intimidation - Here a man tries to maintain control through actions designed to intimidate her. He will look at her a certain way, make gestures, do certain actions, argue continuously and loudly or curse and rage. These actions scare her because she realizes how pervasive his desires to be more powerful are. Over time she will learn what things cause him to act this way and will often try to placate him beforehand so she isn't exposed to these unpleasant experiences. Her life becomes driven by fear and she is always thinking and analyzing situations to figure out how to avoid getting hurt.  

In a loving and mutually supportive relationship neither spouse will try to scare the other person to influence decisions, activities and other wants. It seems like a given that to truly love a spouse would mean to not want to cause them to be afraid of you. 

6 - Aspect of Isolation - This makes her dependent on him for her view of herself. 

Here the abusive person seeks to control her actions in many different ways. He will control who she talks to, convince her to drop outside interests, prevent her from seeing and talking to friends, listen to her calls, he wants to always know where she is and will sometimes move to separate her from a good support system. I met a woman at the shelter who was forced to sell her car and stay in the house all day while he was at work. They didn't have a house phone and he would take her cell phone with him when he left for work. One man wouldn't let her have the password to the internet so she could only be surfing the web when he was sitting right next to her watching! If they do leave some contact with the outside world with the woman (phone or email) they will often check in multiple times a day to keep tabs on her.

These things often happen so subtly that the victim doesn't realize that her ability to relate on equal footing is being stripped away. What woman would want to question why her husband wants her to not hang out or talk to family and friends? It can make her feel important and special that he wants to spend so much time with her. Things progress pretty far before she wakes up to the realization that the attention she's getting is NOT the kind that she has always wanted.

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In my next post I will break down the more talked about aspects of abusive relationships. Then I will begin to explain other aspects like why she doesn't leave, what red flags you can spot and helpful links and books to read.

What Exactly is Abuse? (formerly Aspects of Abuse Broken Down - Part 1)

If you read my previous post there may have been some facets of abuse that surprised you. Because of that possibility I want to start working through those aspects that many of us haven't realized can lead to occasions of abuse. Some of the categories may seem innocuous, even silly, to those without experience in the oppressiveness of being trapped in an abusive relationship. Yet when you add all the little things in with what most people consider abuse to be you discover the weight of the oppression the victim lives with every day. Here are some of the areas of control that a lot of us take for granted:

1 - Aspect of Male Privilege - When the abuser makes all the decisions it means the victim doesn't really have a voice. She is his servant that must carry out his demands, obey his rules and suffer consequences when she has failed to met his expectations. She begins to she deserves this treatment and loses her identity.

In a healthy marriage it is ok to disagree. Sure we all are tempted to act in ways to influence our preferences when disagreements persist. I've not been in relationships where there disagreements are handled peacefully, so I'm not sure I understand yet the best ways to handle these tricky situations. I can say I think one key is that the person who makes the decision should still show respect to the other party. Attacking a problem as a team means that when one person makes the decision it isn't threatening to the other person's value in the relationship. Abuse undermines the value of the one who is viewed as inferior. Relationships are meant to be mutual - with give and take of both parties. Sometimes one party will give more then the other for a set time. Treating a person like a servant keeps a power differential that destroys the unity in the relationship. Abusive people need to realize their grasping for power and control, which they think will bring them happiness, will actually result in unhappiness!

2 - Aspect of Knowledge Abuse - This is a common tactic used to control the victim so she doesn't seek freedom from the abuse. It often intensifies once she's started trying to gain back a part of her life. The abuser is threatened by the possibility he may lose control of her. Several of the things he may try are reading self-help books to gain information he can use against during their difficulties. This aspect often pops up in counseling, when the abuser often is able to twist things around to act like he's a victim and she's the perpetrator. Counseling itself, both individual and group counseling, can increases the chances of this aspect of abuse. 

If he convinces her, counselors, friends, church leaders of this fact then he's able to keep his victim in that inferior position. She will feel the problem lies with her and she must fix herself for things to get better. This absolves the abuser of responsibility and enables him to continue unchanged in the way he treats her. Researching medical conditions, reading self-help literature can be helpful in understanding the other person in your relationship. Yet a healthy relationship will use this knowledge to respond compassionately to their struggle, encourage them to find new skills to overcome them and support the changes they want to make. This demonstrates an awareness that if you have a problem, to best support you I may need to change the way I relate with you!

3 - Aspect of Responsibility Abuse - This is a different side of male privilege. There he is making you do all the work because he feels your job is to serve him. In therapy we view this one as the abuser setting her up to fail. An abuser feels they are stronger or better (smarter) then the victim, yet they give them the responsibility of paying bills, cooking, parenting…and then when you don't live up to their expect ions you are wrong, stupid and deserving of abuse. Some of the ladies I met actually had their abuser tell them if they ever left him he would kill himself. So he was trying to ensure that she would never leave him, by making her responsible for his future.

This differs from healthy relationships, where each person makes their own decisions based on the criteria that are important to them. They don't make someone else the scapegoat for their actions but take responsibility for what they've done and accept the consequences. Abusers always try to push the consequences off onto anyone but themselves - unless it can be used against the other person. This ties in to the knowledge abuse - when it feels advantageous the abuser can admit to a fault and then points out the victim isn't sharing her faults so she clearly must have something to hide and is more at fault then he is….

4 - Aspect of Medical Abuse - This is common in situations of child abuse and domestic violence. When the abuser causes an injury he will often prevent the victim from getting medical treatment. He knows there is a chance that doctors and other medical professionals would see through the stories invented to cover up the abuse. He doesn't want to take the risk that reports could be made, so he prevents her from the help she needs to heal physically. Even when suffering from a normal medical condition some abusers will keep her from getting help, instead berating her for the factors surrounding the injury. These actions don't just prevent or prolong physical healing. This aspect adds extra trauma to an already overwhelmed victim.  It feels like a death sentence to the abused woman. She feels powerless to protect herself from abuse and she feels incapable of healing from the wounds. This extends to a hopelessness regarding her ability to heal from her internal wounds, the deep emotional scars from being abused.

In a healthy relationship a person should be grieved to see the one they love hurting and needing medical treatment. They should show compassion and concern for their safety and well-being. They shouldn't discourage the loved one from getting the tests and treatment they need to get better!

5 - Aspect of Economic Abuse - This can happen in any relationship that has the imbalance of power, but from my time in group therapy I've seen it's more common in conservative Christian circles, where it's common for men to believe it's the woman's job to stay home with the kids, regardless of job opportunities that are suited to her knowledge and skills. This makes her dependent on him. He views himself as her savior and her as the needy, weak, and incompetent one. Some men even seek to control the victim who already has a job in this way. He will make her give him all the money. He will do what he wants with it and makes her ask to be able to spend any of their money, including what she has earned. This sends many messages to her: that she's inferior and must rely on him for everything she needs.

In a loving and mutually supportive relationship each person gives input on economic situations and tries to work together for a solution. If an agreement isn't reached the couple will not try to manipulate the other one into going with their option. No matter what decisions are made they will treat each other with respect. This is working together as a team. 

6 - Aspect of Financial Abuse - This makes her dependent on him as well. One woman I met in therapy didn't know her husband had taken out everything in her name. She discovered this after he had left her and collections notices started showing up in the mail. Typically, the abuser lets his victim know about the debt piling up in her name to keep her dependent on him. If she doesn't have a job, she will be hesitant to leave, knowing her credit is ruined and collections agencies will come after her and not him. 

You may start to realize these pieces fit together in a tangled web. Trying to get one area free often leads to a tightening of another section. The road to healing from abuse is very long and filled with confusion, loneliness and fear. You may start wondering why with all these aspects added on to the big ones of physical abuse and threats that a woman would stay. I will discuss this in detail later, but here is one factor that complicates things. While some of these facets are consistent in their level of control, often the abuser sends mixed messages. Some days he may surprise her with letting her have more money then usual to spend. In a life dominated by abuse, this small act feels like a neon sign pointing her to a new hope - a possibility that he may have recognized his unfair treatment of her and is willing to change.  Sometimes things will stay good for a time. Or it may be short lived. She may return home with some new clothes, books, music (or have gone out to eat with girlfriends) only to be belittled for her unwise choice. But things are continue this up and down cycle until something makes the move to break it.

In my next post I will break down a few more aspects of abusive relationships.

An Introduction to Abuse

Chances are most of you know someone who's been abused, or have experienced it yourself. Yet some of my readers may not have had any exposure to abuse. There are many different forms, and during this month I will discuss a range of types, from general abuse to more specifics such as domestic violence, sexual abuse, stalking, verbal abuse and spiritual abuse. I think that abuse has at times become one of those words that has been heard and used so much that it's lost the weightiness of how it impacts a person. I hope in these posts you will learn something, be moved to compassion for hurting people and find encouragement for struggles you or a loved one may have faced in the past. If you realize you are currently in an abusive situation, I will also post here some of the lessons I have learned, things I wish I had fought for and other thoughts on the matter. I am in the process of writing a book, because I have learned in the Christian faith that certain forms of abuse are still ignored, minimized or attempted to be suppressed.

Here are some statistics I found in Lundy Bancroft's book, Why Does He Do That? 

1. 2-4 million women are assaulted by their partner every year in the US. 
2. Attacks by males are the number 1 cause of injury in women age 15-44. 
3. The trauma from partner violence is a factor in 1/4 of female suicide attempts and is the leading cause of substance abuse in women.
4. 1 out of 3 women will experience violence from her husband or boyfriend. 
5. 5 million children per year witness an attack on their mothers.

These statistics should sadden us and lead us to seek out and help victims. To be able to seek them out you need to understand what separates normal behavior from abusive behavior. We all have conflict. We all have moments when we speak or respond harshly with another person or try to manipulate someone. Yet healthy relationships treat each other as equals and try to find solutions together. If you abuse something then you are using it differently then it's intended purpose. To be abused is to be misused and mistreated. The key factors to uncover are WHAT is going on and WHY is abusive behavior taking place.  

To answer what is going on, I have summarized a diagram by Paul Hegstrom, who outlines the many facets of abusive relationships. Paul was a pastor who severely abused his wife and was facing criminal charges. When he became convinced of the seriousness of his behavior he committed to change and worked hard on his attitudes and behaviors.  He then wrote a book called Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them. 

Aspects of an abusive relationship (pg 24-25): 

• Physical Abuse - beating, biting, choking, grabbing, kicking, punching, restraining, shaking, shoving, using weapons and more
• Male Privilege - makes all decisions, treats person like a servant
• Knowledge Abuse - gets therapy and uses it against her
• Sexual Abuse -attacks her, demand unwanted acts, interrupts sleep for sex, extreme jealousy
• Humiliation - hostile humor, public criticism, degrades appearance / parenting skills / housekeeping...
• Responsibility Abuse - makes victim responsible for everything - bills, parenting, cleaning, etc
• Medical Abuse - keeps her from medical treatment from injuries and / or normal check-ups. 
• Religious Abuse - uses scripture to abuse and other spiritual language
• Using Children - passes messages through children, uses visitation to harass, uses money as leverage
• Power - denies basic rights, uses law to enforce his power, deprives her of private life, controls everything
• Stalking - spies on her, follows her, shows extreme distrust
• Emotional Abuse - puts her down, calls her names, plays mind games, withholds affection
• Threats - to end relationship, to hurt her, to take the children, report her, 
• Economic Abuse - restricts her employment, takes money she earns, makes her ask for money, etc
• Financial Abuse - ruins her credit, puts everything in his name to make her dependent on him
• Intimidation - uses looks, actions and voice to cause fear, argues continuously
• Property Violence - punches walls, abuses pets, breaks doors, etc
• Isolation - controls her actions, who she talks to, listens to calls, restricts outside interests, deprives her of friends
• Silence - uses silence as a weapon, doesn't communicate or express emotion to punish her
• Verbal Abuse - curses, accuses, name-calling, uses past to control and manipulate 

The WHY of abusive behavior becomes clear from these examples. An abusive person systematically seeks to gain power over the other person and controls aspects of their life. Overtime this demeaning behavior strips the person of their worth and dignity. The victim lives in fear and dread of the next attack. Some abusers are consistent in their tactics. Some will shift styles to find new ways to control the victim if they feel they're losing the power they had. David Powlison from CCEF says that abuse is damaging because it involves a betrayal of trust. I can wholeheartedly agree with him. Abuse can happen between anyone. Some examples - between siblings, friends, or dating people - will be devastating - yet there is an ingredient missing that would take it to the next level of destruction. The most damaging types of abusive relationships are ones that involve a person in authority who betrays the trust you've placed in them. 

Examples of these are:

1. Parent / child
2. Teacher / student
3. Counselor / counselee
4. Priest / parishioner or pastor / member or church leaders / member
5. Husband / wife (in conservative circles)
6. Boss / employee

These people have authority because of their position. They are supposed to protect you, care for you, provide for you. There is a hierarchy set into the relationship from the beginning which automatically gives them power over you. Their responsibility is to look out for YOUR welfare. But when they seek to use you to get something they want it can turn into abuse. All relationships are built on give and take. When someone has power over you it is harder to not feel obligated to give when they ask, even if what they ask for is wrong. From my personal experience, the hardest form of abuse to recover from is spiritual abuse. A parent, husband and pastor can do this by using scripture to elicit unquestioning obedience to their demands. These situations are very difficult to get free of. A student, counselee and employee can leave the situation easier then a child, spouse or church member. 

Out of all the types of abuse, I believe the most destructive is between a pastor (or group of church leaders) and a member of the church. My faith is important to me. I believe God created us. I have been taught (and affirm) WCF question 1 -  that my main purpose is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. I want my life to honor him. I want to share my faith with others and help them find purpose in their life and hope for their future. Yet it feels many of my experiences are undermining those beliefs and desires. ANY abuse is devastating to a person's identity. You can't help but question: Why it happened? What does it mean for me and about me? Will I ever be cherished? Am I unlovable? And on and on the questions, doubts and fears attack the victim. The Bible calls leaders to shepherd and protect the flock of members. When those leaders abuse their power and authority it begins stripping down the faith of the community. When a vulnerable person goes to their pastor for counseling and ends up being abused is it any wonder that their faith is severely hindered? The person in the middle of the situation may be incapable of believing that God is grieved over their mistreatment. They have believed that the pastor and leaders were called to serve the members and teach them truths about God. They will begin to feel that maybe the truth is that God doesn't love them or maybe God isn't really a good God. This is clearly something we don't want to happen and we must find better ways to help these victims!

This post is just an introduction to the different aspects of abuse. I hope it has started you thinking about the experiences of others and the drastic implications it has for their lives. I will attempt to write 2-3 posts each week on aspects of abuse. Some of my writings will be based on previous experiences of mine and some will be based from the experiences of women I've met in group therapy. I will share books and other resources that have helped me. I am in the process of writing a survey for abuse survivors on their experiences, where they sought help and what worked and didn't work, including how their churches responded, because I believe there is a problem in our churches that need to be addressed in hopes of a solution. I hope to incorporate the survey results into my book, though it will likely be a long time before I'm finished with that goal! In the meantime, I hope my posts will help bring more awareness to these issues so we all can do a better job of helping those in crisis!

I welcome your thoughts - please leave comments and if there any topics you want me to address then let me know!

Homelessness

Yesterday I met a man who has been on my mind a lot ever since. The day started with me trying to save gas and delay spending money I don't really have so I planned to take the bus to work. But the bus passed by with a Not In Service sign on it. Not knowing when the next one was going to come I wasn't sure if I'd make it to work in time. So I ran the 5+ miles to work. Even though it was a cool morning, this wasn't actually a great idea given the health issues I've been having. The year is almost over and I've only ran a handful of times. My stamina isn't what it used to be. So after a couple miles, about halfway through, I stopped at a red light. I felt more fatigue then usual and was also sweaty and nauseous. Yet I needed to get to work on time so I had to keep running. I made it to work and refilled my water bottle a few times to stay hydrated. When I finished my short shift I went to catch the bus. It passed by as I was walking to the stop. On the weekends most bus routes don't run as frequently. By this time it was already 90 degrees. The bus stop didn't have shade so the bench was too hot to sit on. The full sun was beating down and me. This is something my doctor told me to avoid before my health insurance ended, so I decided to walk and catch the bus stop. I walked a mile to the next big intersection. When I turned the corner I was too tired to keep walking and decided to sit. This one was covered and in the shade. At times there was a slight breeze. I don't mind exercising…I don't mind sitting and waiting for things…but I don't like heat. I detest it really. I like cold climates! I was wishing I had more money to make my life easier, reflecting on injustice and the isolation I feel. It turned out that an hour and a half passed before the bus arrived to take me home. A few times I considered getting up to walk home, but I still felt sick and each time decided to wait. 

I got there and was thinking back over my life. I struggle a lot. Every day I have times I feel alone. I often feel judged by people and continue being mistreated by others at times. Sometimes it's hard to find things to be thankful for. There is a lot of stress trying to provide for my kids when I don't have enough money and my attempts to ask for help are brushed aside. Many people assume that the government helps people like me. Yet 46.5 million people live below the poverty level. The agencies that are supposed to don't help everyone. It is tiring and frustrating to have to fight them and prove that I'm one of those who needs help. When I finally do win it is often not enough. The unending injustice and suffering is so oppressive the weight seems to crush the person.

I'd only been at the bus stop a few minutes when I saw an elderly man with a baseball cap pushing a grocery cart through the intersection. (There was nothing in the grocery cart.) He walked to the bus stop, sat down and asked me the time. I immediately sensed he was homeless. He had long hair and a long beard, clothes caked with many days of stains and torn sandals. His hands and feet were cracked and caked with dirt. On his left arm he had frayed bandages wrapped from his wrist to elbow. He smelled of urine and alcohol. I thought of the biblical custom of hosts washing their visitors feet, specifically the woman washing Jesus's feet with her hair and her tears. Those around them chastised her, but she was still precious to God. Many people judge homeless people. Or don't like the uncomfortable feeling they have when meeting one. During the time I sat there I talked with the homeless man. We didn't talk about anything substantial. In the lapses of silence I thought of the stereotypes of homeless people. Addicts, gamblers, veterans, etc. I had my own idea of homeless people, not considering I was one until the last few weeks the children and I were in the domestic violence shelter. We were asked to fill out a survey on homelessness and our experience. It was then I realized that choosing to flee the home to a safer environment meant that I was homeless. Bouncing around to other people's homes until getting the apartment was a stressful and humbling experience. You are at the mercy of others and their tolerance for your struggles can end at any moment. While I experienced living in a shelter with people facing similar experiences, I learned that we are still all different. Everyone has a story. We are all unique. 

I wondered what this man's story was. I heard a few pieces while we sat there. It is possible he has made unwise decisions, but haven't we all? Every one of us has moments we're not proud of. Moments we wish we could take back. Many of us have opportunities to change the direction of our lives without too much upheaval. Even when we have to experience the turmoil, we still have luxuries the homeless man doesn't have. What stresses, fears and temptations press in on him? It is entirely possible that he hadn't been drinking. I know that certain medical conditions can make a person smell like they've been drinking. He often kept repeating the same questions to me. I didn't feel comfortable asking him what was causing him to forget our conversation. Maybe he has alzheimers or a brain injury or other medical condition causing confusion and memory loss. Maybe it does stem from drinking a lot. Or his confusion could stem from plan old dehydration. I got water for him from taco bell. Yet a few minutes later he seems surprised and confused as to where it came from. My heart went out to him. He appeared alone. just wandering to find shady spots during the day to stay out of the direct sun. 

After an hour and 15 minutes of sitting there I boarded the bus and said bye to him. Yet the whole day he was in my thoughts. In my short time of running to work, walking to the bus stop and sitting there I developed symptoms of heat exhaustion. I spent the rest of the day trying to rehydrate - drinking water, laying on the couch with an ice pack on my forehead, neck, armpits and knee joints. How can homeless people survive day after day in the desert heat? I wished I had money to help get some food for him. I considered taking something to him in my car after I got home. I have many stresses every day as I fight to provide for the kids on my minimal income. Yet I have been thankful for my house every day since we moved in. I know that I can find some ways to help others, despite my limited blessings. We often are so focused on our own lives that we don't care for others when we have the means and opportunity to do so. Our families are definitely an important priority. Yet I seem to observe others (and myself at times) acting like our family is the ONLY priority. From what I know of God, he wants us to help others, so this single-minded focus must grieve him. After all, is not the Christian mindset one of believing we are all homeless? This isn't our final destination. We are here for a little while. While here God wants us to honor him with our thoughts and actions. Part of this is in the way we relate to others. This means seeking to see others the way God sees them - with eyes filled with compassion, hearts filled with love and hands ready to get to work helping share their suffering.

I hope that this homeless man is able to receive the help he needs, either from individuals, groups or churches. I drive by that bus stop a lot. If I happen to see him there I plan to stop and chat with him again. I intend to keep my eye out for people that are needing some help, encouragement or maybe just a friend.

ETA - While the custom of foot washing isn't a common practice here, we can mimic the intent behind it when we compassionately listen and speak with people that may appear unlovable. I suspect there are many times this man has felt judgemental stares or harsh criticism from others. Probably people have moved due to feeling uncomfortable by him. I hope that he felt something different from me.  I still think about this man often, though I haven't seen him again. 

Reflections on Life's Lessons and Future Possibilities

My only son turns 10 today. It's a big deal to graduate to double digits! It doesn't seem like that much time has gone by. Many things have happened in that time frame some of which are moving from one continent to another, received home health care, lived in a shelter, been homeless, become a single parent, stopped homeschooling to go back in the work force, started taking online classes, sought ways to help others, changed churches, bought my first house and am learning how to survive on less then I made as a new college graduate. My days are constantly challenging and exhausting. 

My children are a bright spot in my life. Yet sadly sometimes that bright spot doesn't shine enough to lessen the darkness of events that occur. Today I felt prompted to go back to a location that pulls at me in dark times. A little less then 3 years ago I hiked up the mountain and almost didn't make it home. In 2003 there had been a terrible fire on the mountain top that burned down the homes, businesses and much of the forest. Sitting on the edge of a cliff I saw death everywhere. Charred trees still standing and some toppled despite strong trunks and roots. Brown grass and rock hard soil surrounded me. There were no signs of life. I could look across the chasm and see the trees unscathed on the other side. The distance between the lively forest and the dead forest mirrored the chasm between life and death, safety and terror, happiness and pain in my own life. I felt at home there, because I felt dead inside. There seemed no way that God could possibly revive me. There on the mountain I called a person I trusted and they talked me through the emotions, fears and doubts pulling at me until I felt ready to face life and the suffering that waited at the bottom of the mountain.

I have gone through so much in the past 3 years. Many of it has been one traumatic event after another. Most of it I've faced alone, despite reaching out and asking for help from individuals and communities. The pain of asking for help and being turned away compounds the struggles a person is in. When I'm confident that God is present and cares about my suffering, I know he's grieved at those people who have let me down in my greatest time of need. When I think of how the injustices I've suffered impact my children I feel discouraged and sometimes angry. Sometimes I think God is angry too and that he will fight for me. Sometimes the darkness pulls me away from God and I doubt his love and care. After all, how can he care about me when he allows others to fail me time and again?

I always have this hope that God will see I've suffered enough and give me a break. It would be great to have a timespan where I don't struggle so much and can spend my energy helping others instead of fighting against injustice every day. One time I'd love to find someone to share my life with who will build me up and not tear me down. I don't know if this will happen. When I'm feeling lost and sad being in high places make me feel closer to God. I think it's because I feel so small and insignificant that I worry he can't see me down here. So I climb to high places where I feel more exposed and hope he can't help but notice me and come near. The desert can be beautiful despite the heat and loneliness it reminds me off. After being hurt recently by a trusted confidant I felt an urge to go back to the mountain. (Probably not the best thing to do since I'd had an anaphylactic allergic response the Saturday before to some food I ate!) Still, I was drawn there irresistibly. Today was pleasant in the city and I knew the cool mountain air would give me a reprieve from the heat I feel wears me down at times. While I drove I couldn't help reflecting on the many times I'd driven the route and the past suffering I've faced. I've considered the future I want and wondered at the possibility of it ever happening. 

As soon as I stepped on the trail the surroundings began to invigorate me. The sunny day, the blue sky, the sounds of wildlife, the cool breeze. I enjoyed the trail and stopped to take pictures of scenery - the sunlight filtering through the trees, moss growing in downed trees, tiny flowers poking up from the ground. This part of the trail wasn't touched by the fire. I reached the top of the hike and walked along the service road, noticing the charred trees lined up against the ridge as I approached my special thinking spot. When I left the road and climbed over the boulders hiding it from sight there was an unexpected sight awaiting me. I had been back to the site a few times in the past three years. Always when there were things I needed to reflect on and process. Each time it was dreary and dead. Today there was life everywhere. The ground was covered with green grass. Moss grew on the boulders. Patches of flowers in varying colors were so abundant I was afraid to walk for fear I might trample them! A new tree was growing, already at about 2 feet tall. I sat on the boulder and took in the beauty that was there. I heard the chirping bird that sounded right next to me, because it actually was. For a few minutes the bird sat next to me on the boulder, almost as if say God had sent it to tell me that I'm not alone. Butterflies flitted around me and rested on the flowers. The breeze seemed to whisper to me a lesson I don't often feel…It sang of a possibility that I don't dare to voice for myself.

My most frequent life lessons have been that I can't trust people, things won't turn out the way I dream and attempts to better my life will backfire and end in pain…But sometimes I have rare occasions where something good does happen - like our new house that seems perfectly suited to us. I don't know how long it will be before another one of those events will occur. It's hard to wait for it when each day is so challenging, but this day I felt God was giving me a message. The forest that had been destroyed has come back to life. It will never be exactly the same as it was before the fire. But it is growing. It can still be beautiful. It can be strong again. Is that possible for me? As the breeze surrounded me it reminded me the bond I have with that place. Hidden off the path is this place special place to me because I have identified with it's struggle with darkness and fire. I have felt burnt and trapped in places where death seemed imminent and there was no hope of survival. Yet somewhere along the way the grass poked through and flowers have bloomed. Can I grow too? Can I become strong and even be beautiful one day? I returned home a few hours later to celebrate my son's birthday. My life certainly hasn't turned out the way I'd hoped. My children have to struggle with injustice along with me. My momma heart doesn't want my kids to suffer. Yet maybe their suffering can produce something beautiful and lively in them as well….

My heart is still heavy. I still want to close myself off and protect myself from being hurt by others. Yet the mountain whispers to me that I should keep my eyes open to a future that may be brighter then what I feel. I am still sad. I am still lonely and tired and afraid. I still doubt that I will come to a point where life will be easier, more rewarding and happy. Yet my heart is telling me to not discount the possibility that I can live a full life. My desire has been to help others. I often feel that my struggles prevent me from helping others because I'm so busy doing damage control in the daily battles that continue long past what I have felt is necessary. Sometimes I barely can recognize any semblance of faith remaining. While I don't enjoy the pain from the traumas I've experienced and the hurts trusted people have caused me, I hope I never forget what the journey has been like. I may one day be able to help others. Knowing what it is like to be mistreated, abused, misunderstood and neglected is something that Jesus knows even more so then me. I seem to be in good company. I hope I can continue going through these difficulties in a way that doesn't dishonor him and at some point be able to help others along the journey as well. 

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update - 8-28 - I do cherish my day on the mountain and the seed I have that change and growth can happen no matter how much time goes by. Yet an encouraging experience doesn't solve or end pain from suffering. I wanted to make that clear. I am still sad over events that have happened in the past week. It will take a long time before I'm not sad…So I don't want to give the impression that an event can or should solve all problems and pain. My deepest hurts have come out of relationships, especially those with trust at the core. These hurts are not easily fixed or brushed aside. Maybe my deepest joys will also come out of future relationships. If I was writer and director of my life I would not have chosen to experience all the trauma I've endured. I don't understand why I must go through so much to arrive at the end result that he desires for me. Sometimes I'm not even convinced that he's a good and loving God. What I now possess from my trip up the mountain is a tension between feeling God has given me a promise that one day things will be better and yet knowing I have to wait a while to get there, which means going through the pain and sadness between now and then!

Humility - An Essential Quality for Ministry

As I've thought back over some hurtful experiences, I've been thinking lately about important qualities that make ministry more successful. One of those I think it central to a fruitful and edifying ministry is genuine humility.

I suspect most people go into forms of ministry to help people. They believe they have something to offer others and want to give back to people. Yet I think along the way these same people become so confident in their training or experiences that they lose sight of a couple important facts.

1- There is a need to balance truth and grace. A person may need to hear a very hard truth. It doesn't mean you need to speak harshly to get it across. In fact, speaking harshly will often alienate the person so that they don't hear what comes next. The counselors, pastors or other church leaders, sunday school teachers and so on need to be trained in firm but gracious delivery when they are trying to help someone flee from temptation or face difficult circumstances.

2 - Think from the standpoint of a person struggling with a circumstance who is in front of a ministry person....They will automatically have a sense of being inferior to the ministry person. Do they need you to come alongside and tell them how confident you are in all of your actions concerning them? Maybe what they need is the sympathy that either you understand because you've been there or that you can't fathom going through the painful circumstance that they are now or did face in the past.

(I'm trying to speak for a respect of the intensity of the situation and the depth of pain the person is facing.) I've seen two things here that can BOTH end in a lack of humility.

1 - You have faced something similar. This can be a good thing when viewed with humility and a biblical understanding that God often brings a person who's come through a trial to help someone else. However you must be careful in this situation...Please don't assume this person is exactly like you. This is where a ministry person can lose humility. (Thinking - I've been there...I've got this person figured out....) There may have been similar events, similar consequences, similar reactions, similar pains, similar sins / responses to all those things....YET everyone's journey is different. They don't necessarily need the exact same practical help or exhortations and encouragements that you needed. You MUST carefully ask them questions to understand THEM. Making assumptions based on your experiences likely won't help you understand the best ways to help them. It can be encouraging to have a group of people who have gone through the same thing gather together and share. Yet the result and the path of each one will not be exactly the same because there are many facets to a problem that may or may not be in play in a given person's life.

If you are in this situation and have tried to help someone but things have gone south in the relationship I would encourage you to think back over assumptions you may have made out of your past and not from things they shared. I would encourage you to understand that though you may have come through a rough experience that there are still lingering scars. Being aware of those can help keep you from reacting too strongly when a wounded person has messed up yet again. A humble person knows that while God has delivered them from a situation that they are still working out the effects of the situation. They will acknowledge their pain and scars. They will admit they still have struggles and will not look down on the person in a manner of "I USED to be where you are, BUT I'm better now and it's MY job to make you better so you can be like ME." This betrays an attitude of superiority and it knocks the wounded person down in shock that someone who should compassionately understand their pain has judged them to be damaged and unworthy unless they change into a better person. A biblical attitude reflects Jesus, who approaches the suffering person and says, "I've come not just to help you, but to suffer with you. I will never leave you, no matter what." That's the person I hope to be, who can hang out with people who've struggled like I have and not try to make them turn into another version of me who can go do good in the world.

2 - You haven't faced something similar. This can also be a good thing when you humbly recognize a person is trusting you with their painful experiences. God is giving you the opportunity to learn something from this other person. This is often where a ministry person loses humility. A ministry person has in the back of their mind the training they have received. What I have noticed is that often the person who feels inadequate to help in a given situation handles the person better and more carefully then the one who thinks he knows the answers! This person feels confident and ready to tackle any problem. And they often don't believe they've made any missteps along the way. If a hurting person tells them they felt dismissed or judged or unfairly responded too, this type of person will often not respond favorably. They will often bring up their training and how they've dealt with people like you before. You can be labeled oversensitive or non-compliant if you try to ask to be treated differently.  If you ask this ministry person if he or she thinks she's perfect they will often say no. Yet if you ask them about their counsel, help or behaviors in a certain situation often the ministry person has lost sight of their imperfection and will respond that they couldn't have done any better in this situation. Can you imagine how hurtful it is for a struggling person to be getting the message that they have nothing good to  offer the other person?! It keeps the struggling person down low while elevating the ministry person even higher, since they clearly have no need of anything from the sufferer. This is damaging to both people!

Could this by why there are so many people in churches (and who've stopped going to churches) who've been hurt by leaders? Some people would say that a leader or counselor or teacher who admits to being less then perfect will be viewed as weak. There may be some people who would think that. But to the struggling, depressed and weary people, a leader like this will be a light in the dark. Hope that getting through a difficult time is possible. Hope that God can still use the "weak" people and difficult circumstances in our lives. Many people worry that their past or current struggles could disqualify them from ministry. But what better ministers could there be then people who know the depth of their struggles - and that without God's graciousness they could slip back into it at any moment? Sure over time of turning to God certain struggles may lessen and not have as big a hold on us as they used to. Yet we will all still struggle until the end. So why do we feel the need to pretend we have arrived and have it all figured out?

Humility needs to be seen as an important trait to develop, but who really wants to do this? Jesus said the one who wants to be greater needs to strive to be lesser. A life of service doesn't mean we should advertise the wonderful things we do for others and look down on those who are struggling too much to be able to serve others. We should strive to minister to others while admitting we're not perfect and that each day we need God to grant us life!

Is there anything we can we do about leaders who seem to lack humility?

Many seminaries spend a lot of time dealing with teaching their students theology, management / leadership styles but neglect getting into the essential qualities ministry people need to learn to develop in their lives. I personally believe that every person who enrolls at a seminary needs at least one course focusing in developing traits of humility, forgiveness, patience, forbearance, and so on. I hope that one day that will happen.

The only thing I can say is that we can certainly thank leaders for being humble when we see it and we can try to demonstrate it in our own lives. We can tell our leaders this is what we want from them and hope and pray that they will listen when we have felt let down. We all need to be people of compassion who view others as precious people that God loves. We should treat people with dignity, strive to work through differences, admit our mistakes and seek to learn and grow from them. I think we are afraid to be humble people, but it is actually freeing to realize that you can only start moving past relationship struggles when you seek to develop and practice humility.

I, for one, hope that when I'm helping and counseling others that I will remain humble and compassionate with the people God puts in my path.

Depression and How You Can Help

2 blog posts in 1 day! (Don't expect it to become a habit - I have so much going on these days. I only need to write this while the lessons and thoughts are in my mind.)

Those who know me realize I'm no stranger to depression. It's followed me a big portion of my life in various ways and I suspect it will always pull at me. 

For those who don't know what depression is like here's a summary: It's a dark cloud hovering over you. It's hard to be motivated to do things that normally bring joy. It's hard to just get out of bed. And often pushing through it to do what's needed results in extreme fatigue. It's sadness that can come and go or stick around for days and days (and even longer). It's crying those gut-wrenching unquenchable sobs. It's the urge to sleep life away because moving feels like fighting against molasses. It's seeing rain when the sun is shining and feeling pain regardless of kindness. I could go on, but you get the picture.

Depression wants to pull inward and isolate. Yet what the depressed person really needs is people. The type of people they need are specific. They need godly Christians committed to demonstrating God's love even when it hurts. Since each situation is different it will look different in some ways, yet parts of it will be the same and general principles apply. 

This post is prompted by several incidents over the years that have made clear to me two things. There are people who don't know what depressed people need and there are counselors who don't know how to help either! As someone who has been a depressed person, helped depressed people, been counseled poorly in the past, been counseled very well (currently, thank God!) and is studying about counseling I have a lot of thoughts and tips I'd like to share for you to consider the next time you come across a depressed person or feel depressed yourself and need a counselor.

Right now life is hard. If I get through these crazy struggles of problems at work, studying a lot and illnesses and do succeed in becoming a counselor there are things I want to remember about what not to say to people who come to me for help. There are things I will want to say to people who want to help those who are struggling. Counselors have a responsibility to carefully tread into the relationships of other people. If they don't take time to understand the situation they can end up causing more damage. I hope that if I'm able to fulfill my dream that I don't forget and lose sight of how to relate to depressed people or those who know depressed people.

I've been reminded of some things I've learned in my counseling class in a painful way. I hope what I share will help some of you make different choices. This post will summarize the lessons I want to remember…

Important things for counselors to keep in mind - or what to look for in them

1- When a counselor is being introduced to a new person or situation the most important thing to remember is To ask more questions. 

This is crucial to understanding the situation and ensuring you can give godly counsel. A lot of counselees come in over relationships that are strained. The person who has come in wants help. A good counselor will not only need to listen to  their perception of the persons problem but will need to ask many more questions about both the one who's come and the other one. An important question to ask regarding relationships is if they've shared their concerns with the person. If they say no the next question is obvious - why or why not? To not share your concerns with the other person is saying something that needs to be understood. Encouragement must be given that keeping concerns to yourself usually will prevent the relationship from moving forward and becoming stronger. Not sharing concerns or feelings can lead to huge problems. Also a person's past experiences can factor into jumping to conclusions about the other person (who isn't present) that may not be accurate. If the counselor is not discerning and careful in asking questions the statements presented to counselor can lead him to inaccurate conclusions and this can be dangerous for all the parties involved.

2 - The flip side of asking more questions results in taking time and going slower. I'm reminded of the caution against jumping too quickly toward giving advice. If you haven't taken the time to really understand the situation how can you give godly counsel? If a counselor were to tell a friend to distance themselves from a depressed person without knowing that person is their only friend then their quick advice could actually push the depressed person farther down the dark path and they might not be able to get back into the light. If counselors ask enough questions when they do give advice is will likely be more on target then jumping in from the beginning. I'm reminded of Yalom in his book The Art of Therapy talking about having learned this lesson, that often as he found out more information about the person and the relationship he realized he had given bad advice. That thought sticks with me when I find myself tempted to give advice to people.

3 - The counselors job, whether formal or informal (through friendships) is to walk with the person through their struggles, not as a superior person, but as a fellow traveller who also has struggles! The demonstrate a commitment to the person: to understanding them, their struggles and their relationships in a way that positively impacts the people around them. They will encourage the people they walk with to do the same for others as they stick with the counselee in hard times and demonstrate that God's desire is always to remain in relationship with us and he doesn't give up on us!

4 - The use of Bible verses isn't as simple as finding a passage that addresses the issue. Without the relationship having been built and the depth from asking a lot of questions - often verses will miss the mark. The longer a counselor takes to understand the problems, situations and struggles you're facing, the more likely the verse they pick for you will be helpful, edifying and effective.

As a depressed person, there are things I know I have needed at one time or another…so now I switch to sharing my tips for the person who is friends with the depressed person:

1 - Realize the great honor you have in having been trusted with the darkest parts of a person's life. The hardest part in life is to be real and honest with a person that doesn't owe you anything (and isn't related to you.) God created us to be in relationships. Because being trusted with a person's pain is a great responsibility, tread carefully.

2 - Demonstrate long-suffering. Don't give up on them unless it's a last resort. Depressed people say and do unhealthy and even scary things. God still loves them and he needs YOU to show it to them. God calls us to be his hands and feet. We are called to bear one another's burdens. We are called to shows God to the suffering person. Part of that is offering ourselves even when it's difficult or hurts. If you see someone's suffering God is likely calling you to help. If you brush that call aside you are dishonoring God.

3 - Share your concerns. Don't expect a depressed person to recognize or know you have them. They are covered in darkness and they try to conserve their energy for things they have to do. Those two things take away their ability to know what you're thinking. Depressed people are naturally fearful and their panic and vulnerability over having reached out and shared the shameful parts of themselves. They want the relationship to be good because they intuitively know having a strong relationship during their depression increases the chances they will come through it. You give respect and dignity to the person by sharing the concerns with them because you are involving them in a struggle and showing them you care by your willingness to work through issues. They are afraid of being hurt. Sharing your concerns shows them that you care and are interested in working WITH them. While it can be hard for them to hear it builds the relationship if you give them a chance.

4 - DON'T run away. Now, we know it's not as simple as that. There are situations where an abused wife needs to get away from their spouse and children need to be protected from abusive parents and so on. But here is the principle I feel with every fiber of my being and I've learned from my counseling classes…Godly Christian relationships model God's love for us. God pursues the lost and sufferers and sinners in the Bible. He's there when they don't want him to be there. He demonstrates compassion and faithfulness and sacrifice. These are the types of relationships that we should have. We move towards the suffering person and show them God's mercy and compassion. Things will be rough. You will be tired and frustrated. Yet Godly Christian relationships work towards reconciliation until it's obvious that it isn't safe or wise to continue doing so. To turn and run without making every attempt at preserving the relationship and working through difficulties adds shame to a person who already feels the shame and stigma of their situation and the depression that haunts them. It also dishonors God and hurts his reputation as the world watches the way we treat each other. If you're feeling the urge to run - talk to them. Agree on parameters, rules, boundaries (whatever you want to call it) for the relationship. But RESIST the urge to run. Your leaving after they've been  so vulnerable with you could send them into a tailspin they might not recover from. I can't stress this point enough! It grieves God to desert a person you've commited to helping through a dark time.

I would like to say I have tips for the depressed person, but I don't really have any at this time. It's a lonely and dark road. And I don't want to recommend you seek out friends to trust and have them hurt you. I don't want to make any missteps and lead you deeper into the darkness. Since I don't know your situation that led you there all I can say is I understand and I hope you find a way out. I hope God sends people to you who won't forsake you. I hope you feel God's love. I hope you find the strength to get up each day and continue over and over until things get easier.

Those are just some of the things that have come to mind today. I know there is more I could say, but I don't have the time now. I hope this post has opened your eyes to how you can help a person who's groping in the dark. I will come back another time and bring it up again. I'm behind on my schoolwork and don't feel well so I need to go focus on other things. If I'm able to continue in the counseling field I plan to revisit this post often and remind myself of how to help bring the depressed people through their trials. 

If you'd like some resources to read go to CCEF.org and search for their articles on Depression. Also they have several books that are helpful. I highly recommend their resources. Their counseling resources aren't behaviorally driven but relationally driven with the foundation of all relationships modeling the relationship between God and his people!

Children's Choices and Parent's Responses

Like most people, I watched a lot of the coverage of the bombings in Boston when I wasn't at work.  I had friends running in the marathon and thankfully they were ok. I felt the same sadness others felt over the ones who died and were injured. I was encouraged by the outpouring of support by people there who helped displaced runners and all the events and things going on around the country that I have even been able to partake in. Shortly after the shock of what happened wore off I got to thinking about our view of ourselves, other and our children, as what was reflected in the media coverage brought to mind many instances of denial to draw from. I'm mostly referring to the comment from the suspect's parents and friends.

Why is it that we're often shocked that someone we know can do such terrible things?

Sure, there are times when people sense something doesn't feel right about a certain person, but there are so many times when family and friends refuse to believe the suspect could do such a thing. I can only speculate as to reasons why based on what I think I might feel in a similar situation. We don't like to feel deceived. To think that people can fool us hurts our pride. We would rather believe in a person's goodness then face the fact that seemingly good people can do bad things. Conservative Christians believe that we all have sin in us and are capable of hurting ourselves and others because the Bible says that we are prone to sin. Yet there are times when even we choose to believe the best about people instead of seeing reality. As a parent, I can see this belief being stronger when viewing my kids. We certainly know children are not saints. Yet we tend to view them as "not too bad." This view is actually dangerous, because it prevents us from seeing the potential for serious problems that certain current behaviors or words can lead to.

I watched interviews with some of the suspect's family and friends where they expressed denial that their family and friends could do such a harmful thing. There are many examples I've seen and heard of parents not believing their children could engage in criminal acts. This saddens me, because our job as parents is to help our kids grow up and be functioning members of society. Our job as Christians goes farther - we are to help our children recognize their struggle with sin and learn to turn to God for help. If we turn a blind eye and pretend our children don't have any serious struggles then we could be headed for a rude awakening in the future.

My hope as a parent is that I will see my children's faults and struggles far enough in advance to be able to work with them to overcome these struggles. I know that looking for these struggles doesn't guarantee their freedom from them as I recognize areas where I still struggle. Helping children learn the  importance of developing methods and skills to combat struggles is one of the best things parents can do for their children. At the same time we must keep in mind that in the future our time of regular instruction in their lives will be over and we will be on the outside watching our children live their lives. We can only hope the lessons we taught them will prepared them with tools to prevent them from hurting others or partaking in criminal acts. In the end we know must entrust them to God to lead them down the right path. I already feel nervousness at not being able to keep my children from pain caused by others or that they bring on themselves!  Yet I realize that even the best parents have children that make mistakes. We need to keep in mind that our children's actions don't necessarily reflect bad on our parenting of them. I think that plays some into people's denials of their children's capability to steal or kill and so on. It can be tempting to think that a child's actions are the parents fault. Yet James says each person sins when enticed by their own lusts and desires. We can't make other people do bad things and we certainly can't always prevent them from doing bad things either. All we can do is try to help them understand the what and why of what's going on, what should change and how they can find the help they need.

It's my hope that my children don't turn away from God and don't participate in serious crimes. Yet I hope my eyes are always open to signs that can alert me to the need of having a conversation with my kids about a particular issue. I don't want to be a parent in denial and potentially allow my children to continue farther down a path of poor choices that can make it harder for them to turn away from those choices later! My hope is to be proactive and talk with my children at the first sign of something concerning so they have more of a chance of fleeing from bad choices.


Soon I hope to come back and write again. We've had a lot of change going on that has prevented me from being able to write more frequently.

Reality vs Distortion in Understanding Who I Really Am.

I started writing this post 2 weeks ago and haven't had much time to finish it! So I decided to quickly edit and post it tonight! Please respond with your thoughts! I know we can learn a lot from each other and I don't want my blog to be monologue but an entry point into discussions with others. THANKS!
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There are many thoughts swirling around in my head about things I'd previously believed and whether or not they were true or I was deceived. Stick with me as I seek to work through some of them here. These thoughts are stemming from my current counseling class and the fact that I'm doing well in the class and my mind is boggled by this. To explain this, I have to backtrack...

This is the third class I've taken. The first one was an introduction to counseling, ministry and contemplating what Biblical change is. I liked the material and felt I had a good grasp on assignments. I was pleased that in my first course after many years of being out of school that I did good. Due to financial issues I didn't take another class for a year. Last fall I took my second class. The title was Helping Relationships and I felt that it was going to be very hard for me. I've been put down by friends, family and church members, and even some church leaders in the past. So I have felt like I was a perfect example of a screw-up, someone who had NO idea of how relationships should go. On my first assignment I got an A. I thought it was a fluke. Yet I kept doing well on assignments, and getting feedback on my involvement in community group that surprised me. People VALUED my input, saying I showed compassion and wisdom that they envied me for. I was astounded.

Me? There might actually be things I'm good at? There could be things that others could learn from me? I'd hoped many times that it would be the case. That sufferings I've gone through could be used in some way...Yet I often felt that I was beyond redemption on earth. Sure, I believe God loved me and called me to be His. I felt I belonged to Him, but I also felt that there would not be any redemption for me in this life. I felt I was too far gone. It was becoming clear to me in that class that I had believed things others had told me that weren't true. Why was that the case? I can't say for sure, but I can speculate that it was to continue keeping me trapped in a helpless state so I could continue being abused. Or to keep me as an inferior so the other person could puff themself up. My counselor had told me several times (and more since) that he wasn't surprised. He said/says that he sees an intuitive sensitivity in the way I view people that most people take a long time to develop. He said I pick up on things others miss and am a natural "temperature taker" of relationships. It took many times of him saying this before I could begin to believe it. The sad thing is, I still bump into people who look down on me or judge me. I've recently had a heartbreaking interchange with a lady who is in ministry and studying to be a counselor. Sadly, what I felt from her was superiority and a lack of understanding instead of compassion. When these things happen it increases my frustration that so many people don't understand HOW deeply their actions affect others. I know it grieves God when people see a victim as unable to contribute value or meaning to the conversation. It grieves God when a leader doesn't humbly admit there are times they could have made better decisions or might need to work to change something. I ended that class with an A. I was proud of my work, yet still shocked that I actually do understand how to relate to some people. So I guess I need to rethink all those times when people told me all the problems in the relationship was my fault and there wasn't anything they were doing wrong...

I had a few weeks off and started on the next class....Biblical Interpretation. I was very nervous about this one. I had been told by other men and church leaders that I don't know how to interpret the Bible. I've been told I was a weak woman and misread what I wanted to see in the scripture about how I should be treated by others. I was told by a pastor that my faith was too weak and I needed to pray for God to give me what I was missing or my relationships would never get better! I believed all these people (because I did think all the fault was mine in every relationship and the way to get better was to try and study and figure out what I needed to change.) So the class started and I as overwhelmed, the reading was confusing, the assignments were hard and I almost quit. I worked on the course about 30 or more hours a week because if I do decide to do ministry I want to be the best equipped I can be and if I'm confused that means I need to push through until I'm not confused. And here I am again on the night before my final in the class - on the borderline between an A and a B! Is this God's way of giving me his blessing to pursue ministry? It is shocking to me to be doing well at work, and in school while being a single parent...AND for the last 40 days preparing to move into a new home. As I've studied and submitted my papers and received my grades I've had to rethink again. Either I've known biblical truth for a long time and was convinced I didn't by others, or through these classes I've grown a lot and changed.

I can say, that through these classes I'm re-evaluating more closely what people say to me. What I'm working on, is trying to make sure when people tell me something - that I can see whether or not it's what God thinks about me. I won't blindly accept criticism or quickly dismiss praise like I used to. I'm working on trying to figure out how I can encourage others who struggle...and encourage those who teach and minister how they can relate better to others. I don't want to act superior to them, but I lovingly want to share how I've felt, and what I've learned in my interactions with people in hopes that my words may help make their ministry better!

And then, if I do get into ministry someday, may I never forget that people go into ministry to help and serve others. To do this you MUST seek to listen and understand who they are, respond with compassion and not act like you're better then the one who needs your help. An arrogant leader who feels they make great decisions and doen't need to change is not a leader I want to be...and certainly not one I want to follow.

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ps to Tami, I responded to your comment and hope you've seen it. :)

Economy, Politics, Religion and What's really wrong with the world!

There is a lot of talk about many issues going on right now. There is fear and sadness over the economy. There is frustration with the government making decisions that take away freedoms. There is always a religious undertone to issues even when people don't realize it. I don't intend to get into specifics of all these things. I mainly want to share some things I've learned in my classes that can be then applied to these issues at another time. I can say this: Talk is good. God created communication for many reasons. Words are designed to draw us closer to each other. They are designed to reflect the glory and beauty of God. Yet more often then not words tear people down and judge others as silly, unworthy or stupid.

I've had thoughts rolling around in my head for quite some time on a Christian's role / purpose / focus for relationships and life. They center around the counseling class I just finished and the counseling one I'm currently taking. 2 themes I've learned in the classes are what I want to share and briefly elaborate on in this post.

Here they are:

1- Relationships - Our interactions with people should be one of moving toward others. This can be hard sometimes. There are often people who don't seem to be a "good fit" for us based on personality, circumstances and so on. Yet all people struggle to varying degrees. As a Christian we shouldn't be choosy in how to respond to them. A suffering person needs compassion. Even a harsh, abrasive person needs compassion. Even those that appear or admit to being stuck in some on-going sin need compassion. Everyone needs acknowledgement that they have worth and dignity. (Elaborating there would have to be another post that compares cultural version of self-esteem with the claim that a holy and just God created us...in HIS image.) We all will have people in our lives that we feel are difficult. How WE respond to them demonstrates how well God's character has impacted us. Over and over again in the Bible Jesus was shown as moving toward the ones that society rejected. HE wasn't afraid to get involved with broken, suffering people. He had a great balance of demonstrating compassion for the situation. Yet at the same time, when it was appropriate, he challenged people to overcome sin and difficulty. When we wish to be like him, we need to realize our interaction with others should first show compassion and a desire to know and understand the other person. Only when that link has been made can we effectively speak truth in their lives and motivate / help them to change in areas that need it. Take some time to think about passages in the Bible when humans sinned, they often ran from God and hid. Yet GOD pursued them and sought to make the relationship right. Over and over he forgave each sinner. He demonstrates great love for all His creation in this way!

2- The overarching theme of life displayed in the Bible...Christians know the Bible is a story of redemption. More specifically between God (the creator) and his people he created...So at the heart of the Bible is a STORY of relationship! Over and over throughout the Bible we have stories of God calling people to be in relationship with HIM! Adam and Eve, Noah and his family, Moses and the Israelites, the Kings and Judges, and on and on....You don't have to read very far to see that people will never be able to live as God wants them too. All over the page of Scripture, the people sin. The pattern goes like this: the people sin, receive judgement by God - resulting in unfavorable consequences for the people, the people return to their devotion to God, the people are restored to peace / fellowship with God and may even be blessed. The cycle repeats over and over. God, in His love for his creation sends His son, Jesus, to come and repair the rift and make it possible for the relationship to be restored. One thing I've known for a long time, but continues to grow in greater understanding, is that while Jesus does save individuals from their sin to be in restored relationship with him...the real heart of the gospel is a COMMUNITY of people in relationship with God. It is the biggest testament to love, grace, patience, holiness, etc when many people with different personalities and likes / dislikes can work together for common good and bring honor and glory to God, our creator.

I know that there are people out there whose experiences are different then mine. I am thankful that there are people who have wonderful examples of relationships and communities that follow God well and are a light in dark places to struggling people. My story has not followed that path, even from the time I was a little girl. Most of my life has been fighting against sin and injustice and abuse alone, a VERY disheartening and draining place to be. The story of many of my friends from abuse support groups have not followed that either. After 3 years (and probably meeting 500+ women in similar situations to me) what I see of the current state of the church isn't one of glowing examples of the way God wants things to be. I know there are good churches out there. I would love to acknowledge and celebrate the ones who are diligently support and protect families who are hurting. When you think about how patient God is with us when we stray from Him and combine that with the idea of moving toward others, it's easy to see how we all fall short in our relationships with others. We may at times wonder why the churches don't impact the world as much as we used to. Maybe it feels that way because the world is bigger then when I was younger. Or maybe it truly is because of compromises churches have made on the way that undercut the message of salvation, love and mercy. It feels to me that the culture continues to go farther away from godly principles. God IS patient and loving, yet there was always a point in the Bible when the Israelites had forsaken his commands that they were carried off into slavery or fell into bondage to idols for many years. When I see countless women asking / begging for protection and help from their churches and not receiving it, I begin to wonder how much longer God will show our nation favor.

I long for change, for us to be the witnesses we need to be - the ones we've been called to be - to countless people who are hurting, confused and lost. If just one person reads my words and evaluates the way they relate to hurting people, then any criticism I may receive is worth it. If one person changes the way they respond to those around them because of this, then God will be honored. If one person gets involved in their church to be more supportive of struggling people then my time in writing this was certainly well spent. (Granted I hope for many people to read this and to have their eyes opened to the difference we can make, and work to implement change in a positive direction, but I'll settle for one!)

I believe we should be careful but truthful about hurts we've experience or witnessed. Staying silent doesn't result in change and only perpetuates problems. We were created to be relational people. We were created to share our burdens, not just with God, but with a community of people. If individuals don't take a stand for what is right, then often no change will occur and people will continue to be wounded in the process. God wants us to be about building his family. We should learn how to love and live like a family that is willing to sacrifice for those who are hurting and seek to demonstrate that love to those around us. Helping others "learn" of God's love and sacrifice can happen in many ways. One of those ways is through the lives of Christians that pursue others in order to initiate relationships of caring and support both individually and in a community setting. I know if I am grieved over the hurts people are receiving from churches, that God is even more grieved. I want to do what I can to bring about change!

(To quickly get back to the title of my post...) I don't know all the best answers for the many issues facing our country (and other countries). What I do know is if Christians want to affect change in the world, we need to LIVE in a way that makes the world not just take notice of our commitment to stances on certain issues, but the values behind them, the love for others, the concern for other's needs and overall well-being,...then maybe our opinions, strategies and solutions will begin to make a genuine difference in the world. (To be clear, I'm not saying that there aren't people already doing this, I'm just hoping each person will evaluate whether or not they can say they truly are!)

I'd love for you to share your thoughts on this issue.