Saturday, March 22, 2014

Finding Time (or Not as the case is!)

I have 5 unfinished blog posts that were pressing on me when I started writing them. Other things squeezed out the time I would have devoted to them and I'm not sure if I will return to some of them, despite the importance of the topic! I find that life seems to move along with many responsibilities, many distractions and many goals that are more pressing then sitting down to write. This is sad, as it's always been a passion of mine.

In order to make time for it I am considering trying to schedule it into my day, which means something else will have to go! Hopefully once I'm back in the habit of writing regularly I will not need to schedule time for it, as I find that sitting to write at a specific time instead of when things are tumbling in my head usually means that the passion doesn't come through as well. Or the quality of my thoughts feel forced instead of natural trajectory of thoughts that was spurred on by an event.

If I had the time to write I would maybe blog about the loneliness and lack of connection I have with my family - who chose to not tell me for a whole month (!) that my sister had a massive heart attack, coded 5 times and is walking around with a defibrillator vest. Not only that they didn't tell me, but that they told my brother to NOT post about it on Facebook so I won't find out. Talk about feeling like an unvalued part of the family!

I haven't seen my family in around 6 years. I'd have to think back to exactly how long it's been because I've been through so much. They don't visit me, rarely contact me and yet I get lectured at how much time goes by since I'd last contacted them. Yet I get clear messages that I'm not an important factor in their life. I'm an afterthought. I wonder if that's the punishment I get for moving far away! I would visit if I could afford it, but it would remind me about how I'm not really a part of the family. I always feel like a guest....and that I don't belong.

My mom recently said she's going to stop sending me money each month. What she gave me was the part that made the difference in making all my bills. Now I'm going to be stuck not being able to cover all my expenses. She recently told me about an elective surgery she had and how happy she is at the results. Knowing these types of surgeries are not medically necessary AND expensive made me feel that my children and I are low on her priority list. From now on, things are going to be more difficult then they have been! So it will be even longer before I'm able to go home.

Yep, that's probably what I would write about. Trying to define who I am, and it seems being a part of a family doesn't appear to be it. But I've taken too much time already when I'm trying to finish 2 weeks of schoolwork in 2 days. I must sign off and get back to work.

Soon I will come here more often and get back to sharing my heart with people who want to listen. I wonder if I'm alone in feeling unconnected, pressed for time and busy with the normal things of life. I suspect many people feel similar sadness when thinking about their family. And I'm confident most of us feel we bounce around from one thing to the next while some of our dreams and desires are left undone. I hope to change that and make more time for more of what I enjoy!

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Overcoming Pain

The past 6 weeks have been a challenging time for me. If you know me you will think this isn't anything new. And in some ways it's not. Yet the recent challenges have been in different ways then usual. I was hiking about 5 weeks ago and sprained my ankle really bad. My ankle was swollen to three times the normal size. In the beginning I was constantly in pain. It was hard to move around for a week. I followed typical instructions for a sprain - pretty hard since I work at a gym and am a very active person. I missed my workouts, and wasn't able to teach classes for a couple weeks. I slowly adding back in workouts, starting with strength training and then attempting to run. It still hurt some, but the doctor said it was ok to add back in activities. I am mostly back to normal, able to do the activities I love and be on my feet a lot. Yet sometimes by the end of the day everything adds up. Today is one of those days - I was moving furniture around, had done workouts 2 days in a row and was on my feet a lot.

As soon as I got in the car after work tonight I couldn't keep the tears from streaming down my face any longer. When I get home at night I continue icing my ankle and rest it. Yet tonight I must finish a school assignment and it's hard to focus when my foot is throbbing so bad. Coupled with the fact that last week I had multiple viral infections and a very bad cough. I just finished my antibiotics, at night I start coughing hard - at times so hard that I can barely breathe. By morning it's gone, but it's more challenging to rest.

Why do I say all this? I've had to think a lot about my desires and needs. I've had to face pain when it comes...and face the fact that while I feel great at a given moment, that participating in a workout might cause pain later. I'd really like to avoid pain. I'm sure I'm not alone in that fact. Yet I know that pain is caused by many things. It can be a signal that good things are happening, or a signal that something needs to stop. I have learned that I'm willing to endure pain for things I love. Yet there are some activities that are pleasing to God that I don't like to do, want to do and sometimes try to avoid, because it's likely it will cause me some type of pain. I have seen that I'd rather do a workout and feel great, knowing the pain will come later then to skip the workout and not have any pain. God often wants us to lay aside our plans and (sometimes) selfish desires to do something for him. One thing I've noticed about being single is that I've become more self-centered. I control my life and I'm often able to do what I want when I want it. I believe God is calling me to expand my activities to include others, to give to others and to serve others. A part of me cringes at this. I have an agenda of trying to make my life as a single parent be as easy and painless as possible. Yet I also feel an isolation and laziness that can be overcome by reaching out to others.

I will spend more time contemplating what I feel he's leading me too. For now I need to try and focus on pushing through the pain and finishing my paper for class!

Does anyone else have these struggles or thoughts to share?