Sunday Reflection - Day 31

Purification (from Valley of Vision)

Lord Jesus, I sin. Grant that I may never cease grieving because of it, never be content with myself, never think I can reach a point of perfection. Kill my envy, command my tongue, trample down self. Give me grace to be holy, kind, gentle, pure, peaceable, to live for Thee and not for self, to copy Thy words, acts, spirit, to be transformed into Thy likeness, to be consecrated wholly to Thee, to live entirely to Thy glory.

Deliver me from attachment to things unclean, from wrong associations, from the predominance of evil passions, from the sugar of sin as well as its gap; that with self-loathing, deep contrition, earnest heart searching I may come to Thee, cast myself on Thee, trust in Thee, cry to Thee, be delivered by Thee.

O God, the Eternal All, help me to know that all things are shadows, but Thou art substance, all things are quicksands, but Thou art mountain, all things are shifting, but Thou art anchor, all things are ignorance, but Thou art wisdom.

If my life is to be a crucible amid burning heat, so be it, but do Thou sit at the furnace mouth to watch the ore that nothing be lost. If I sin willfully, grievously, tormentedly, in grace take away my mourning and give me music; remove my sackcloth and clothe me with beauty; still my sighs and fill my mouth with song, then give me summer weather as a Christian.

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This one reminds me of my goal, stated more eloquently then I can - to sum it up: To be aware of who I am, aware of what I need and aware that God is the one in control. I pray that He is as careful with me as He needs to be. It is hard to be in the fire. I think am glad that I am aware of my struggles and not blind to them and therefore unwilling to work on overcoming them.

Running the Race - Day 23 part 2

Today one of my friends came and picked me up for an 8.5 mile race. This is the same friend who did a 10 mile race with me in October. We drove south of town to a pecan grove. It was SOO awesome. I took pictures. Maybe I'll try to figure out how to load pictures here into the blog at some point. I wasn't sure I'd be able to run the whole way without stopping. This is a good metaphor for my life. I never know anymore whether I'm going to make it. I lose hope and confidence fast. I was a great runner in jr high and high school. I was asked to joing the track team a year early because I was good...but even back then I doubted myself. I ran because I liked it. Back then I didn't have too much of a competitive spirit. I did some, and I strategically planned some of my races and did well...but I really ran to stay away from the home and the abuse that waited for me there. Maybe that was it...I ran because I needed to run away. I've always seemed to be running for something. I still feel like that at times. Maybe it is part of the avoidant personality I have. However, I am seeking to get to a healthier place...and I believe if I work at it I can get there. I wonder whether it is appropriate to be here. I can't remember who said it to me...but someone told me I wasn't running away from abuse...but I was running to something else. So I'm trying to choose that.

But I still feel like what I am doing is running away and hiding. I wish this was all in my head. I wish there wasn't this certainty that I haven't been safe...this nagging feeling that if I leave I will be thrown back into it. I have this fear that 4 months isn't going to be enough to protect me from all the danger I face from others and myself. But today I chose to wake up and go run. It was a fun race and I kept up with my friend for about 3 miles (last month she dropped me about 3 minutes into the race because I wasn't in shape having not trained.) I still actually haven't trained. I've only run about 1 day a week since coming to the shelter. It is too hard to fit it in...but on those days when it's worked I've gone long. I figure might as well capitalize on the opportunity. So today was a good day. I ran the whole 8.5 miles without walking. I did stop at 2 water stations to get water. That was a HUGE moment for me pyschologically....during races, whenever I stop to drink water or walk that is usually the end. From that point on I can't fight the doubts and I start walking more then running. This time I started back each time! And at about mile 6 I realized I'm not really having a hard time breathing and though my legs are tired I can do this. I ran those last 2.5 miles faster then any of the others. In running speak I made 7 "kills" - meaning I passed 7 people...I usually only pass 1 or 2. In the end I finished with a good pace. I finished 5 minutes behind my friend. A big improvement because last month I finished 25 minutes behind her!

(I celebrated later by taking the bus to one of my favorite places to eat - Chick-fil-A - to get food and a milkshake. I earned it burning off all those calories right? I mostly rested all day and tried to not get too stressed about church.

One thing I hope will happen to me in my real life is that I can finish well. For some strange reason - despite how much I struggle during races - I have energy at the end. I get near the finish and I just automatically go faster. I kicked it hard at the end and was getting lots of cheers from the surrounding people demonstrating how impressed they were that I was sprinting at the end of 8.5 miles. Maybe, despite (or in spite of?) all the pain I seem to constantly face, when I get to the end of my life - maybe I'll be able to kick it and go out strong. I hope God will give me the grace to persevere. Hope.

I want to write a bit more - but we must schedule computer time at the shelter and I've run out :(

A Saturday Reflection - (Day 23)

Jenna's favorite Christian Artist is Indie singer JJ Heller..This new song of hers really hits me.

“He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He’s the kid with the story no one would believe
He prays every night, “Dear God won’t you please
Could you send someone here who will love me?”

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She’s the woman whose husband has run away
She’ll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would’ve stayed

And she says…

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
‘Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means

He’s waiting to die as he sits all alone
He’s a man in a cell who regrets what he’s done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
“Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home”

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said
“I know you’ve murdered and I know you’ve lied
I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’ll listen, I’ll tell you that I…”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew”

Sigh. That is my life...waiting for someone to love me. I know God does. I often feel He is the only one. That this world He created where we are supposed to have small glimpses of heaven (some of that through realtionships) NEVER comes for me. 

It feels like too much to hope for, so I am gearing up for a life of being alone. I think it will be ok. Maybe.

Valley of Vision Meditation (Day 22)

From the Valley of Vision - 

This is the one I read and prayed over last Sunday morning before heading to church and having to face a confrontation with someone.


TRUE RELIGION

Lord God Almighty,
I ask not to be enrolled amongst the earthly great and rich,
but to be numbered with the spiritually blessed.
Make it my present, supreme, persevering concern,
to obtain those blessings which are
spiritual in their nature,
eternal in their continuance,
satisfying in their possession.
Preserve me from a false estimate of the whole or a part of my character;
May I pay regard to my principles as well as my conduct,
my motives as wells as my actions.
Help me never to mistake the excite- ment of my passions,
for the renewing of the Holy Spirit,
never to judge my religion by occasional impressions and im- pulses, but by my constant and prevailing disposition.
May my heart be right with thee, and my life as becometh the gospel.
May I maintain a supreme regard to another and better world,
and feel and confess myself a stranger and a pilgrim here.
Afford me all the direction, defence, support, and consolation
my journey hence requires,
and grant me a mind stayed upon thee.
Give me a large abundance of the supply of the Spirit of Jesus,
that I may be prepared for every duty,
love thee in all my mercies,
submit to thee in every trial,
trust thee when waiting in darkness,
have peace in thee amidst life's changes.
Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief and uncertainties.

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This is my prayer, that I focus on eternal things, not be deceived, be given exactly what I need from God to get through each day and that I have a mind stayed on Him...that is probably my biggest struggle - to not be wrapped up in sadness and pain and think He isn't there, or be discouraged that I don't find him in it.

Day 7 at the Shelter - Expanding the Mission

A few nights ago I brought out the book The Valley of Vision (a book of Puritan prayers that have always resonated with me) and I started reading at the begining...

The Valley of Vision

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly, Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights; hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine; let me find Thy light in my darkness, Thy life in my death, Thy joy in my sorrow, Thy grace in my sin, Thy riches in my poverty, Thy glory in my valley.

I couldn't have put it any better myself! This prayer shows the contrast between our deepest needs and His greatest power; how the wisdom of the world contrasts with God's true wisdom and that things aren't always as they seem when looked at through His eyes. It was a very encouraging prayer and as I often feel in the deepest valley, separated from Him in such a vast way that I wonder if He can even see me, if I will ever be able to hear Him again and how long it will be before I am closer to Him again. I have to try to remind myself that while what I feel is painful and real, that there is One who has power over everything I suffer through and one day it will end. On those days when it is almost too much, instead of looking far off into the future and being discouraged about all the pain between now and then, I turn to God to help me through the next moment. It is hard. It is tiring, but it is in some way as the prayer states... light in darkness, life in death, joy in sorrow, grace in sin, riches in poverty and glory in the valley. God will be glorified no matter what. That thought is the hope and peace that breaks through pain.

Day 6 at the Shelter - My Mission

After the house meeting ends (on Tues nights) we pick chores. The system I’ve tried to use goes through the house in one month by breaking it up into zones for detailed cleaning and a little bit of maintenance cleaning of the whole home during each week. So I decided to try and pick chores based on that so I’d have gotten a good habit going when I get a new place, though it will have been on a smaller scale it would still be good enough that hopefully I could build on the momentum. So I picked cleaning up the front yard as that is the first zone tackled in a month. Then as i was thinking I realized how important it was in my mind an maybe for the other women as well to work on the front yard.

The yard is the first thing they see when they arrive at the shelter. While I was relieved to be at the shelter and hopeful that it would help, I still noticed when I first arrived that it was messy. Now, after seeing the issues the ladies were struggling with and the selfish attitudes that were popping up - I thought, here is part of my mission. Overall, I want  to be able to show them the hope and difference trusting in God can make instead of just themselves. At first I wasn’t sure one way to accomplish this, but now I realize the significance of the chore I picked. I can do my part to help these ladies like coming “home”. Because people have come to the shelter to feel safe, they don’t spend time in the front yard, though it is big and beautifully designed. The focus is getting in the house after being out in the scary world, and once locked inside the gate, then going about their day. The yard has been neglected because it’s just a waypoint to the safe environment we’ve all hoped for. That state of it reflects that it isn’t important and not worth caring about. Yet coming home to the shelter, when the first thing you see is disorganization translates to more discomfort even after entering the home.

My task was to sweep the walkways from the parking lot and pick up trash on the ground. I did that the first day - there was so much dirt and rocks on the pathway that it took a long time to sweep. I then beat the welcome mats out so they weren’t caked with dust and lastly, stopped to curl up the hose that someone had used and left stretched out for at least this whole first week I’d been there. I walked around the yard to see what other things I could do the following day that would make the yard look better.

It’s already working. I heard a lady tell her friend that she actually smiled when she came back that day. I see these chores (and being there as well) as my greater purpose. I am not just here for me. I’m not just here for the kids. I’m here for God - this shelter is a real reminder that though so many people get settled and comfortable in their lives, this isn’t really our home. We are made for something bigger and greater. We are passing through this life. We need to seek to discover what we can do while we are here for Him and for others. The staff at the shelter are helping us face our pain and work through them. I intend to spend as much time as I can giving back and pointing to God as the Ultimate One who is helping me. Maybe He can use me to bring a deeper hope to some of these women that the staff can’t bring no matter how hard we try. That is my purpose I believe God has for me in the shelter!